Close your eyes


Stop what you are doing and just close your eyes.

Do you hear that?

That’s your breath, feeling your chest rise and fall. Air entering your lungs. Slowly feeling your body relax.

We are alive.

All of us.

We are one. We all breathe, we all think, we all feel. We are all the same.

not looks wise, or personality wise. We don’t even have the same opinions or thoughts, but we are the same. We are all one mind, one body, one soul.


Why don’t we help one another, be kind to one another, love one another. Pick each other up, see the pain others feel, Sympathise.

We pass thousands of people everyday and we don’t even look. We don’t want to, we are all too consumed with ourselves that we don’t want to see the suffering of others, only ourselves.

But ! Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could help each other out, hold each others hands and live in harmony. Picking not only ourselves up but others also.

How wonderful our world would be if we truly were one.



I need help.

I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.

I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.

I give up. I give up.

Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.

My safe place.

Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.

I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.

Open Book

I fear rejection

I fear being alone

I fear the dark

I fear being taken advantage off

I have trust issues

I care too much even if I say or show I don’t

I have social anxiety

I have a very bad temper

I have nightmares

I have not always been loyal

I have lied a lot

I am very bitter

I stress too much

I was in a very bad place for a long time

I feel trapped

I hate expressing myself

I hate being let down

I hate being lied to

I’ve used people

I never swear in front of my family

I wonder what it feels to drive off a cliff

I like my own company

I hate feeling suffocated

I get bored of people easily

I have a attitude

I hated myself for a long time

I blame myself for everything

I nearly got married

I’ve been pregnant

I’m in denial

I can play the violin

I love to read and draw and sing and dance

I never believe in myself

I lost myself a long time ago

I had a large group of friends which I lost

I run away from my problems

I used to be more fun loud crazy happy

I used to enjoy walking

When I’m angry/stressed I clean walk or drive

I judge people too quickly

I give people too many chances

I cry myself to sleep

I see sharing as being weak and vulnerable

I never have favourites

I never make decisions

I believe everything happens for a reason

I don’t fully enjoy my job

People usually think I’m a bitch on first meetings

I have been a bitch a huge horrible bitch

I’ve learnt a lot from my mistakes

I don’t like to hurt people

I like to be in charge

I hate doing things first time

I have felt worthless for a long time

I’ve always been shy

I want to see the beauty of the world

I like to be independent

I hate carrying people

I feel very alone

I hate feeling needy

I’m not a jealous person

I try to be a better person daily

I don’t regret, I try to find a lesson in it

I wish I was more confident

Since moving country I feel invisible

I hate attention

I’m angry at myself for letting people get to me

I am good at pretending I am happy


Lost Control

I really thought I had everything until control.

The truth is.

I don’t.

I am a mess and I keep going to the wrong guys, I am looking for comfort and answers within them. I am the answer. Not them.

Last night I met with Mr.Fireman. I had fun with him and he is a really nice guy but I have feelings for another guy, my ‘fuck buddy’ a guy that I can’t have, a guy that isn’t right for me. While all this is going on I am missing my ex like crazy. I am so tired of starting new with all these guys and going nowhere. Something is missing from them all. Maybe something is missing from me. I am not ready but I need someone. I want someone.

I have the perfect image in my head and everyday it seems to get further and further away from ever coming true. I keep settling for ok. I keep giving chances when I should just walk away. I keep repeating the same pattern and expecting something different to be the outcome. Stupid. Totally stupid.

I want to run away. I want to switch my phone off. Go to the top of the mountain and watch the view. Alone. I want to be totally alone. Where no one can reach me. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to even pretend anymore. I don’t want to explain why.

I just want peace inside my head. While I am here I am not finding any. While I continue to do what I am doing, I never will find any.

Fuck boy

What is wrong with me !?

I want what I can not have. I have been meeting this guy for 2 months, just for sex but I like him ! I really like him ! When I decide to stop meeting him, I see his bloody beautiful eyes and he melts me. Last night we met for the last time. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I wanted to talk. To explain why I couldn’t continue meeting him. I want more and he can not give me more. He has been very honest from the start. He just wants sex.

I have been a fool. No, he has been too nice. We had the best sex ever last night. He put so much effort into it. It was perfect. He showed me what I would be ‘missing’ he showed me he didn’t want to ‘lose’ me. He fucked with my head.

We went for a drive and half way he stopped the car, and pulled off a flower from the street and gave it to me. Now what the fuck !? I’ve told this guy I like him, I have told him I can not meet anymore because I want to find someone who wants a relationship with me and he is acting like this ! Making me want and like him more ! Last night he destroyed me.

When we said goodnight he hoped to see me again. He told me to think that he is not a nice guy so that I do not like him. Imagine .. After being so fucking sweet and giving me a flower he tells me to think of him as a bad guy. Okay. Great. Perfect.

If I don’t see him I can control it. But when I see his face I melt and he has all control.

Why am I being played with ? Well for a start I’m allowing him. I need to stop finding these types of guys.

Let’s get it on ..

We kissed ! Finally Mr fireman kissed me.

We went for a walk, we were flirting, laughing and then .. BAM we kissed.

I am very excited about him. He seems different. He seems like a nice guy. But.. yes there is a but, I am not sure. I am always not sure, with every guy I date I am not sure, I just give them a chance. You can’t know someone after 3 dates.

My other problem .. my fuck buddy. I have told him I want more than sex and he has been okay with it, however.. last night he messaged me , telling me he missed me, that he don’t want to loose me and how he wants to see my one last time. What does he want from me!? He wants everything but nothing. I am attracted to him so much but we want different things and I can’t continue like this.

I want to make it work with Mr. Fireman.. I want to see if it will work. I’m excited about him, about us.

Date 2

Update on Mr. Fireman !

So, we went on another date. I have so much fun with him, I don’t think I have ever laughed so much on a date. He is so much fun, and damn he is cute. I can see myself really falling for him, that scares me a little bit but not in a crazy way, which is good.

He is doing and saying all the right things. He showed me the stars and offered to cook me dinner. I’ve never really had a guy that has wanted to know my soul so deeply.

So date one he hardly touched me. Date two, he was touching me more, my hand, leg, pushing my hair away from my face.

At the end of the night, we hugged, he grabbed my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. Yes. My forehead. I was a little disappointed, well unexpected. Any ‘date’ I’ve ever been on, they always kiss on the first or at least second date.

I think that maybe he wants to take things slow, I have no problem with that. I just want to kiss him already !

I’m just hoping that he does like me, he is showing me he does but you never know. Maybe he is being a gentleman, I have no idea. If date 3 and still no kiss then I need answers.