So a few weeks ago was out first anniversy. Our first year together.. what a year it has been. We have had our ups and downs, fights and make ups. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bad cos then it wouldn’t have made out year.
I’m not quiet sure how we have managed to put up with one another for even this long. This is my longest relationship to date. And I hope we will continue to break that record.
I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball.
My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is.
I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this.
Can I just take a moment to just scream.
I want to stand on top of a mountain, alone, with the sun setting, birds singing, watching the city below and just scream.
Scream at the top of my lungs. Scream until I have nothing left. I want to scream out all my pain, all my memories.
I want to scream till my throat hurts till I have no energy left and I crumble to the floor. I want to hear the silence after the storm, to feel free and empty, to watch the world grow darker and the sky shine brighter. To watch the moon, and see the magic in the stars and wish for nothing simplier.
It is weird how I am allowing strangers basically to be inside my head. For me this is like a diary, where I let go of everything in my head. To just give myself some sanity. Here I am allowing whoever wants to read it. I can’t even talk to my mum about how I feel. I can’t even tell my boyfriend that I’m in love with him. Yet here I am sharing all the tiny details with strangers.
I envy those people that can express themselves so simply. How I wish I was able to do so, how many things would be so much easier. Yet I seem to complicate everything.
It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.
Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time. Still..
My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself.
I need it to stop.
I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone. I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse.