Gimmie More

I’m really scared of you. Honestly. You seem like such a nice guy and that’s what worries me. I’m scared to open up to you and I dont want to brand you together with the others but I can’t help it. I’ve been with guys that I knew who they were and they still betrayed me, even after all the ‘I love yous’. So now you’re stranger. I don’t know you. I know nothing about you. And that makes me even more scared.

The problem is we have an argrement right? Only sex. No relationship. The problem is I am starting to like you more than I should. I don’t even know how to tell you. I’m so scared that I will ruin what we have. At the moment I am okay with what we have but I know over time I will want more from you. Maybe it is best to stop this now, before it gets too complaicated.

Why does everything have to be so so complicated. What happened to boy meets girl. Happy ever after. Can we just go back to the days there was happy ever after. Please?

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Rain

My favourite thing ever is listening to the rain hit of my window. It’s so therapeutic. I find peace, tranquillity and joy from the rain. 

Right this moment as I write this, I am sitting inside my car, listening to the only and only Queen as the rain hits of every part of my car, dancing to the best. 

In this moment. I’m in love with the world. I’m even in love with my own company.

Screw up 

Oh shit. 

Yes. 2 days into the new year and already I am fucking up. Can you believe it. I guess I’m not surprised myself. 

I went back to my ex. No no, not the one that left me stranded all alone and broke my heart. The other one, the one that argued with me every single moment we were together. The one that loved me and hated me all at the same time. The one I broke. 

I believe I have done some growing and that I am very mature for my age. When it comes to guys. I’m fucked. I’m a sucker for love, hell I’m a sucker for someone to just love me. 

You know you hear a lot that girls are desperate for attention and love because they didn’t receive it as a child. For my case and I know for many others that’s not true. I had a good childhood. My parents gave me love and attention and still do. I’m not craving something I was deprived of. 

I just hate being alone. I dont have any girlfriends to hang out with. So I look for comfort in a guy, right now any guy will do. However I want more, I want love and care. To be someones priority. It’s not looking good so far. Not even close to it. Instead I’m creating another messy track. 

Relationships 

As I look around I see so many beautiful people, good people and they are single. And not only are they single but they are in there 30s and I wonder are they happy this way.

I always thought I would find ‘the one’ at a young age and we would stay together. I didn’t think I had to worry about time running out. Nowadays we are all too scared to commit. We want to live the single lifestyle. It comes to a point where that expires. 

For me I want children. I want a husband, a home. I want to be sure I’m with the right person, okay I guess you can never be 100% sure, but still. I want to know the guy for a while. In a few weeks I’m 23. I’m single. I have no potential partners anywhere. The guys I do meet don’t want relationships, they just want fun. Even the older ones. 

I know I’m young but that don’t stop me wanting more. I’ve always wanted relationships. Not just flings. I’m a committed to you kind of girl. So what I’m doing now with this ‘fuck buddy’  it isn’t me. It don’t suit me. I’ve got so lonely that I’m just going with it now, it’s going to take some time but eventually I think I will snap, I will get fed up of feeling used and it’s not his fault. It’s mine. I agreed to this, he isn’t forcing me. 

I just wish the time would slow down. 

Your way

I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break even more. 

You proved me otherwise tonight. I made a decision yesterday that enough was enough, I told him that I can no longer be his friend, that I am struggling. Today I apologised and wished him well. Truth is I can’t let you go, it’s not the simple. 

We FaceTimed and spoke, he isn’t good also, he is stressed, he is destroying himself slowly. I felt awful, I felt awful cos I gave him such a hard time and he don’t need that. He don’t need me to be giving him extra stress. So now I made a decision. I will leave him alone. I will not shout or argue. I will allow him to have his way. I will, as always,sacrifice myself, for him. I will move on while I still hold onto his hand. Maybe what I am saying is crazy but I know I can’t do anything else. We will never be together, I understood that tonight after he told me he will never come back. He made it clear. 

So.. if you want to be friends. Fine. Let’s be friends. Believe me I can be the bestest friend you ever had. 

This is how I feel 

I am so bitter towards you and I can’t help it. I really really want to be okay but im not. I want to laugh and smile with you but I can’t. I am mad, so mad and alone because of you. It’s not about the reasons anymore. It all comes down to one factor. I was never going to be a part of your life. Deep down you knew it and maybe I did to. You left me behind and I’m not saying it was easy for you but you still walked away. For that I can never forgot, or even forgive. Yes you can made me cry many times, made me feel I wasn’t good enough. However this, this was the worst of it all. 

I’m sitting here alone every day and night wondering what will happen when you come back. In 4 months you will he here, you will stay here for 6 months and I wonder will we meet ? Will we be friends ? Will we be more ? But how can we be more, how can we when in just a few short months you will go ahead and leave me again.

 I don’t think I can ever go back to him. All I can think about is who he is with now. If he has another girl, or who he is having sex with and it burns my brain. I know its not my business, we are not together but i feel like he is still mine. I don’t ever want to get attached to anyone ever again in my life. I don’t want to feel this way ever again in my life.