Emotions

I don’t want to feel things.

Not for You, not for anyone.

I’m tired of feeling and not recieving the feelings back.

I know I’m a good person . I know I would give you my world. So why won’t you let me.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t like who I’ve become. Having sex just for fun.

I want more. I want hugs and kisses, I want to be held as I fall asleep In your arms. I want to talk about the moon and the stars. I want to be able to call you whenever I need you and know you’ll be there for me.

I want a prince. He don’t need to be perfect. He just needs to be the other half of me.

I’m deleting people from my life like I am throwing away trash, but it’s too late when I’m searching that trash can at 3 in the morning wanting your attention.

But it’s too late. You would have moved on because I am nothing to you but just a piece of arse.

That’s what hurts the most. The way I care for you, will never be the same returned.

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What I want

I know what I want.

I guess I always knew what I wanted I just didn’t admit to it yet.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to go on dates with, to share all my problems, someone to hold me and make me feel complete.

I don’t have that. I had it. Not anymore.

All I have now is a fuck buddy. I am just a booty call. Whatever the hell we call it. It’s my first time doing this and a part of me hates it, another part enjoys it, but I only enjoy my time when I’m with him. The moment I get home I feel.. dirty? Actually no, I feel incomplete. I am missing everything else that comes with sex.

I’m stuck between passing my time with a guy to just have sex. Or dropping him and just be alone. He is a good guy and I know I will miss him, but is that enough. No. I need to find a guy that wants me for me. A guy that don’t want to change anything about me. The problem is I can’t find one.

Close your eyes

Stop,

Stop what you are doing and just close your eyes.

Do you hear that?

That’s your breath, feeling your chest rise and fall. Air entering your lungs. Slowly feeling your body relax.

We are alive.

All of us.

We are one. We all breathe, we all think, we all feel. We are all the same.

not looks wise, or personality wise. We don’t even have the same opinions or thoughts, but we are the same. We are all one mind, one body, one soul.

So?

Why don’t we help one another, be kind to one another, love one another. Pick each other up, see the pain others feel, Sympathise.

We pass thousands of people everyday and we don’t even look. We don’t want to, we are all too consumed with ourselves that we don’t want to see the suffering of others, only ourselves.

But ! Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could help each other out, hold each others hands and live in harmony. Picking not only ourselves up but others also.

How wonderful our world would be if we truly were one.

Help

I need help.

I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.

I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.

I give up. I give up.

Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.

My safe place.

Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.

I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.

Open Book

I fear rejection

I fear being alone

I fear the dark

I fear being taken advantage off

I have trust issues

I care too much even if I say or show I don’t

I have social anxiety

I have a very bad temper

I have nightmares

I have not always been loyal

I have lied a lot

I am very bitter

I stress too much

I was in a very bad place for a long time

I feel trapped

I hate expressing myself

I hate being let down

I hate being lied to

I’ve used people

I never swear in front of my family

I wonder what it feels to drive off a cliff

I like my own company

I hate feeling suffocated

I get bored of people easily

I have a attitude

I hated myself for a long time

I blame myself for everything

I nearly got married

I’ve been pregnant

I’m in denial

I can play the violin

I love to read and draw and sing and dance

I never believe in myself

I lost myself a long time ago

I had a large group of friends which I lost

I run away from my problems

I used to be more fun loud crazy happy

I used to enjoy walking

When I’m angry/stressed I clean walk or drive

I judge people too quickly

I give people too many chances

I cry myself to sleep

I see sharing as being weak and vulnerable

I never have favourites

I never make decisions

I believe everything happens for a reason

I don’t fully enjoy my job

People usually think I’m a bitch on first meetings

I have been a bitch a huge horrible bitch

I’ve learnt a lot from my mistakes

I don’t like to hurt people

I like to be in charge

I hate doing things first time

I have felt worthless for a long time

I’ve always been shy

I want to see the beauty of the world

I like to be independent

I hate carrying people

I feel very alone

I hate feeling needy

I’m not a jealous person

I try to be a better person daily

I don’t regret, I try to find a lesson in it

I wish I was more confident

Since moving country I feel invisible

I hate attention

I’m angry at myself for letting people get to me

I am good at pretending I am happy

 

Lost Control

I really thought I had everything until control.

The truth is.

I don’t.

I am a mess and I keep going to the wrong guys, I am looking for comfort and answers within them. I am the answer. Not them.

Last night I met with Mr.Fireman. I had fun with him and he is a really nice guy but I have feelings for another guy, my ‘fuck buddy’ a guy that I can’t have, a guy that isn’t right for me. While all this is going on I am missing my ex like crazy. I am so tired of starting new with all these guys and going nowhere. Something is missing from them all. Maybe something is missing from me. I am not ready but I need someone. I want someone.

I have the perfect image in my head and everyday it seems to get further and further away from ever coming true. I keep settling for ok. I keep giving chances when I should just walk away. I keep repeating the same pattern and expecting something different to be the outcome. Stupid. Totally stupid.

I want to run away. I want to switch my phone off. Go to the top of the mountain and watch the view. Alone. I want to be totally alone. Where no one can reach me. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to even pretend anymore. I don’t want to explain why.

I just want peace inside my head. While I am here I am not finding any. While I continue to do what I am doing, I never will find any.