At it again

I checked his phone.

I know that it was wrong but I had this feeling that said I needed to do it.

The feeling was right.

Facebook. What’s app. Viber. Instagram. Tinder. Every single social media app he had chats with women.

Women. So so many women. Flirting. Sexting. I was speechless.

I expected more from him. I expected more respect. I thought that maybe just maybe he wasnt what I thought.

When I tried speaking with him. He switched off. No words come out his mouth. He froze. Then he tried to make excuses for his behaviour. That if he had something to hide he would delete his messages. So he doesn’t have anything to hide. It’s a lie. He just never expected me to check his phone. I’m not that type of person.

Yet here we are.

I gave him an ultimatum, stop with the bullshit. Stop with the girls and then we can talk. So I wait. I wait to see if he really wants me. I know I am crazy now. I should just turn around and walk away but I can’t. I believe in him more than that. Maybe I’m just stupid. Only time will tell.

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Rollercoaster time

I fucked up.

I made a total mess and I feel awful.

I’ve started seeing this guy, it’s been 2 months now. I know him, I know he is a fuck boy and I used to trust him, but as the days passed I started losing my trust.

He still uses his tinder, he is still encouraging and speaking with other girls so I trapped him. I set up a fake account and trapped him.

One thing led to another and he found out it was me. I’m sorry that I done it not that I got caught, I know myself and I know I would have probably told him the truth.

He was flirting with ‘her’ and I could feel my heart sink. I feel like I’m not what he really wants and that there is something more out there for him. He told me that he knew it was me and that’s they reason he was flirting so much and wanting to meet, but I don’t believe it. I think that was just a get out cause.

But here I am blaming myself for screwing things up, I’ve agreed to move on and try to pick things up again but he is the one acting more hurt than me. I understand it, but it also feels like he don’t take any responsibility.

I just hope things can go back to how they were. I am hoping that I haven’t ruined this completely. I hope we can fix it.

Love

I spent wo much time trying to figure out why he left.

But I already knew why. I just couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t stay for me.

I always imagined love was easy. Boy meets girl. Fall in love. Happy ever after.

Rather it’s boy meets girl. Fall in love. Life gets in the way and they live their separate ways. Well for me that’s how it is. Maybe for others they are lucky to find there happy ever after.

Now I am sitting on a rock, by the beach, crying. Crying my little heart out, feeling the band’s tighten around my chest, the tears falling down my cheeks trying to hide my pain from the world, so no one can see me.

I listen to the waves wondering if they can take me away with them. Anywhere from here. Close my eyes and be drifted out, as far as possible.

We just had an argument and I walked out, I became good at just walking away from confrontation, I am not good at it, if I stay I would scream and shout till my lungs burst and I don’t want that, so I walk away. like the fool I am I want to ring him to apologise. However I wasn’t wrong, but we have a week left and all I wanted to do was spend it with him but instead I am here…

alone.

Once again.

Long time no … blog

..

I’m back.

I know it’s been a while, I guess I haven’t had the need to express myself these days.

I guess I have been .. happy.

So, I met a guy.. well no. We have known each other now for just over a year.

It’s beginning to really blossom. I’m excited and happy, I feel them butterflies that I haven’t felt in a long time. I have that huge smile on my face that my cheeks are staring to hurt.

I am scared to death that I am going to lose him. On the other hand I’m excited, is he the one I am going to spend my life with ?

I am starting to think he is.

Advice I would give to myself

Don’t worry about boys. 

They come and go, and maybe the excitement of a boy liking you is fun but trust me, it isn’t worth it,

Don’t be so bitter. 

There are many beautiful people in this world, you just have to go out there and find them, give people chances and when they destroy it, walk away.

Don’t hold grudges. 

Everyone is struggling in their own way, don’t hold it against them, forgive, forgive, forgive.

Don’t be so shy. 

You will miss so many opportunities, you are smart, beautiful, amazing, you can do everything and anything you put your mind too, don’t look at the others and compare, you are incomparable.

Be kind. 

Always be kind. No matter what and who, always be kind to others. You never know how much your words and actions can hurt a person for more than just a day.

Ask for help. 

Don’t suffer alone, ask for help, even if you don’t really need it, let people see that you are not scared to seek help, you don’t need to do everything alone.

Be calm 

Life is too short to scream and shout and be stressed over silly things. Keep peace within yourself.

Ignore 

Don’t listen to negativity, don’t associate yourself with bad people, bad vibes. Just because one person has a bad thing to say about you, don’t mean it is true, don’t dwell. Ignore.

Smile. 

Never forget to smile. Always smile. You don’t smile enough, laugh. Smile. Be happy. Fell good. Look good

Be used

It is okay to be used, not in a dirty way. In a good way, you will have many people coming and going in your life, using you for their own selfish needs, intentionally or unintentionally. If they gain something from you, allow them. Let them grow from your branches, just don’t let them take your roots.

Learn.

Learn from your mistakes, learn from others mistakes. Keep learning, don’t let your brain ever sleep.

Never regret 

I know we all do stupid things, make stupid choices but don’t regret any of them. Learn from them, look at what those people taught you, at the positive side of it, they helped you become who you are today.

Appreciate 

Appreciate everyone and everything. Nothing in life is easy, we are all facing our own difficulties, appreciate what people do for us. Even the small things.

Most importantly .. LOVE 

Love everyone, give love to whoever you want and you can, don’t suffocate them, just be there, to care, to hold, to spread love.

Alone again …

Happy bir…..

Oh wait does that mean I have to just smile as if everything is okay.

There was 5 of us.. I didn’t want to go, I knew it was a bad idea. And yet I still went despite my guts. It was his birthday , the fuck boys birthday, let’s say we are friends.. He is more friends with my friend so I guess that’s why I was invited along.

They all spoke in the one language I don’t know. All. Night. Long. I felt so left out and alone, I wasn’t part of their group, I wanted to so badly to dissappear and never be seen again. Generally I am shy, I keep myself to myself, the serious type until you get to really know me. Then I am a little crazy. When I’m in an uncomfortable situation I completely close up. I wanted to cry. I felt completely invisible.

I was mad with my 2 friends, the others I didn’t know so well, so I didn’t care. They knew me and still they didn’t include me, after telling them more than once they just brushed me off like whatever.

Yesterday he came to me and asked me if I enjoyed my evening I had to explain again I felt unwanted and uncomfortable and instead to apologise he had the audacity to tell me to just not come.

As if I am nothing.

It’s easier to not invite the stupid English girl along than to speak a language everyone knows.

I haven’t felt this alone for a long time and here I am again wondering why, why am I alone.

Special

You have something special inside you, never change it. 

Thank you …

If that is true then why am I alone.

Why am I fighting for one guy to stay and another one to actually want more with me.

Why do you see the special in me but they don’t, maybe they do but they don’t want to nourish it, they don’t want to be part of it.

Why can’t you be someone else telling me this. I have so many questions why, but also on the other hand, I just don’t care.

I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, I don’t want to feel or think.  I want to pass my days with no extra thoughts than I need, I feel myself being like that, not caring about anyone, including myself.

I am okay with being used and using others. I know.. It’s going to catch up on me and I will find myself in a ball, crying my eyes out wondering why I feel so much pain in my heart and why no one is here to hold me just to tell me everything is going to be okay. To hold my hand and tell me that I am going to be okay.

I am smiling everyday, but I know inside I am dying, I am broken.