Standing strong 

I encounter at least 5 arseholes a day. On a busy day.. double it. 

Maybe I am to blame for allowing them to be an arsehole to me. It varies from pushing in front of me in a queue to barging me in a busy street. However it is always me 

I know I’m the small, quiet one that is basically invisible,but that gives no right to others to actually treat me that way. 

I wish I was stronger, louder more aggressive but it’s not in my nature. Unfourtnetly I allow people to walk all over me until it’s too late, it is then I try to be the stronger one but it’s too late,the damage is already been done and I still excuse people for their wrong doings. 

This is a trait of myself that I hate, if you knew me, really knew me, not just know of me or an accomplice, a colleague but really knew me like I knew me, then you would understand,You would all understand that the girl you see everyday not caring about others opinions, not caring about being pushed around, thrown around, the sly jokes people make, all the hate and anger I’ve had towards me and here I stand acting like I’m this big strong independent lady.. But the sad truth is, I am not. I am weak, insecure,lonely, I feel pain,daily. I cry, I hurt, I wish things were differnet but i cant let you know that, cos if you know that then I really am weak.

I can’t make you love me

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
Inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me closely
Don’t patronize
Don’t patronize me

Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel
Somethin’ that it won’t
And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I will feel the power but you won’t
No you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me
When you don’t
When you don’t
Yeah-hh

I’ll close my eyes
‘Cause then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel
When you’re home with me
Morning will come
And I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then
To give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel
Somethin’ that it won’t
And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
I will feel the power but you won’t
No you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me
When you don’t
When you don’t

Angry

I am so angry.

I am a very understanding person. I trust easily, I give so many chances and yet I feel that people just continue to take advantage.

So , the story begins.

Lets go back about a month ago, a new girl started working with my boyfriend and he befriended her. They would go for walks, or the beach, after work to chill out. Somewhere along the way someone obviously saw them together, put two and two together and made three.

The girl got fired and is now working in the same hotel as I am. One other colleague asked him about this girl and how she is, she made a reference about them being more than just friends! Now my boyfriend was telling me this over the phone. I was so mad with him, I was mad with him because he made people believe that he would do such a thing to me, he made people believe that I am a fool. I understand the world is full of gossip, however I will not accept being made a fool of, by anyone, no matter how big or small.

I started to wonder if he done anything to make people actually say this thing. How dare they, how dare he. When I tried to explain to him why I was mad, he dismissed me, to say that these people are insignificant, and yes, they are, but it makes no difference to how i feel about the situation.

I shouldn’t be mad at him I know this, but I can’t help but believe it is his fault.

What do you guys think? Am I over-reacting?

 

Panic ! At the disco 

This is gospel for the fallen ones

Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories

Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

The gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds
But they haven’t seen the best of us yet

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart

Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

This is gospel for the vagabonds,
Ne’er-do-wells, insufferable bastards
Confessing their apostasies
Led away by imperfect impostors

Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world
Bury me alive
‘Cause I won’t give up without a fight

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart

Oh, the fear of falling apart
Oh, the fear, the fear of falling apart

One year

So a few weeks ago was out first anniversy. Our first year together..  what a year it has been. We have had our ups and downs, fights and make ups. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bad cos then it wouldn’t have made out year. 

I’m not quite sure how we have managed to put up with one another for even this long. This is my longest relationship to date. And I hope we will continue to break that record.

Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Scream 

Can I just take a moment to just scream. 

I want to stand on top of a mountain, alone, with the sun setting, birds singing, watching the city below and just scream. 

Scream at the top of my lungs. Scream until I have nothing left. I want to scream out all my pain, all my memories. 

I want to scream till my throat hurts till I have no energy left and I crumble to the floor. I want to hear the silence after the storm, to feel free and empty, to watch the world grow darker and the sky shine brighter. To watch the moon, and see the magic in the stars and wish for nothing simplier.