Break up

Some days I am perfect, I feel good, I feel happy let’s say.

Then other days I collapse. I feel like the whole world is ending my chest aches, I can’t breathe and I can’t make my brain stop.

How do things get better, I know they do. I have been through it before, but the difference from last time was that I distracted myself with another man. I don’t want to do that this time. I don’t feel it, I have him in my head and I can’t even imagine another man touching me, I feel a sickness inside me.

I think I haven’t fully accepted that we are over. I want to text him, to call him, to get him back but I know it is wrong, so wrong.

I am so lost and alone and I am looking for him in my dreams, hoping and wishing that he will come back to me, sooner than later. But I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I need to let him go because he is gone. He isn’t mine anymore, maybe he never really was mine.

Cats got your tongue..

What’s wrong with me.

I want to be able to express myself, to say what’s on my mind, but when I have someone in front of me and I go to open my mouth, I freeze. I feel a lump in my throat and nothing comes out. I have the words running through my head but no words come out.

I dont know how to fix it, only when I am angry, the words fly out, and usually bad ones, usually the sentences come out all wrong and I make things worse.

Is there a solution? I am not even sure why I am so scared to speak, why can’t I just say what’s on my mind and not think about all the consequences.

I can’t have this forever because I know that I will effect my relationships, I just have to find a way, somehow to fix it.

Question time

I am not ready to be in a relationship

Can someone, anyone please explain to me what this really means to them. How would you understand it ? After nearly 1 year to say that you are not ready. Please explain because I am confused. I believed if you wanted someone you would make it work somehow, not just run away. He ran and I am not really sure why.

Void

I am falling into a black hole and I am not sure how to get out.

I am tired, disappointed, I can’t understand where I am going wrong. Or maybe that’s my problem, I am looking too much at myself, blaming myself as always.

I accept the way life is, really I do, but some days I feel like I can’t breathe and I feel my heart in my throat and I just want to scream and cry and break everything in site.

Every now and again I glance at my phone, hoping he has changed his mind. Hoping, wishing he misses me just as much as I miss him. Slim chance. I am fighting with myself to not text him, to not check any messages or social media, but its tearing me down.

I think the mornings are the worse, or maybe the nights. Either way I go to sleep and wake up with tears in my eyes. I am not only pretending to others I am also playing pretend with myself. What is this life?

I am trying to think back to when was the last time i have really been single, and the problem is, I can’t. I have always had someone, I wouldn’t say I have always needed someone, but maybe I just wanted someone to love me. Is it too much to ask ?

So now its enough. So now it is really going to be all about me. Alone in this world, fighting with only myself, trusting only myself. And it’s okay. I dont need anyone to be okay. I just need to be happy within myself.

Another one bites the dust

I don’t know how I managed to loose him.

No it’s not my fault.

I am stuck between myself and myself.

I am going back and forth, to the good and the bad. All the positive all the negative.

In the nights its worse. I feel him next to me, but he isn’t. It’s all in my mind. When I close my eyes I see his face and I feel my heart break.

I want to see him, speak to him, touch him but I can’t, I shouldn’t.

He isnt ready to be in a relationship. Or maybe he isnt ready to be with me. Or maybe he is ready but I am just not the one he wants or needs.

We spent so much time together making us work, we had so many happy memories, that I believed were going to be forever. I was wrong.

I am always wrong.

I don’t know how this happened. After 1 year of being together, to nothing. To emptiness and lonely nights.

But its enough with men leaving. I know I am not prefect but I know I am a good person and I have been good to them, I am always good to them. I thought maybe it is me. That I am doing something wrong, I am super easy going, chilled person and I am starting to think that that allows people to take advantage, to walk over me, they don’t appreciate it. And when it is too late they realise and they come back. I don’t want anyone to come back, I just don’t want them to leave in the first place.

From now on, it is going to be about me. I need to distract myself by keeping busy. Work is coming to an end soon and the winter will be here, so for 4 months I have too keep busy, get out the close, think about me. I need to start accomplishing things before I can give myself to someone again. Maybe I need to believe in myself more for others to believe in me.

Nonsence

They really dont exist.

These perfect fairytale relationships. Actually not even fairytale, just happy relationships.

I would be lying if I say that I am not happy, but I’m not always happy.

I feel like we are in a relationship for 50 years and we have become tiresome of one another.

He invites me to his home, when I arrive, he doesn’t even greet me. He sits in his armchair, watching the tv or on his phone, and he either grunts at me or just abouts gets the word hello out of his mouth. He doesn’t move, he doesn’t get up to hug me or kiss me, nothing. Only if I’m lucky, if I get him on a really good day, maybe.

We dont speak. We dont communicate. He is in his world. Alone. And I am just a show piece. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I spent 3 years with a guy that, well after I realised, that I wasn’t 100% happy, yes I know we have good days and bad. But our relationship was all about him. I’ve been with guys that have made the relationship all about me, but I dont like it either. I want a balance. The way it should be. Two way. Back and forth. Give and recieve and I thought that I finally found that. Now I’m starting to doubt it.

I understand that people have their own lives, but a point of being with somone is to share it with, to coexist together, grow, together. Maybe expectations are too high, or maybe im finding the wrong guys for me.

Maybe I am just holding onto something that isn’t for me, that isn’t fo us.