Not a good day 

Today is not a good day for me. 

I’ve woke up very emotional. Today I miss him, okay every day I miss him but today something hit me harder than most days. 

I’m not sure what it is but I can’t stop the tears. I cant even talk to anyone. 

It’s just me pretending everything is okay. That I am dealing with everything fine. People always say that time is a healer. With time things will get easier,you’ll hurt less. It’s not true. Yes time helps but not always, not so much. 

I feel so disconnected to the world, to him, to myself. I’m so lost. 

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Stop 

Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP. 

Enough. I can’t feel like this anymore. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying ! Enough is enough. I have a emptiness in my chest. An ache. A real physical breaking. Enough. 

I want to be happy. Not miserable. I don’t want to think about you, in any way. I just want peace. How do I make it all Stop!?! 

She Used to be Mine

It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

Dreams 

I believe it, I belive that our dreams have meaning. Yes of course out daily routine has affects on them, but I believe the majority of them have meanings. Our subconscious telling us something. 

I have had many strange dreams and when I have researched the meaning, they make perfect sense, they sum up my feelings. 

Last night I had a dream about my ex, it was a strange dream, from what I understood dreaming of an ex could mean many different things,from my conclusion the reason was because my ex he wanted me so bad , he loved me and he showed me that. With my current boyfriend, Yes he is better in so many ways but he don’t show me that he wants me that bad, or that he even loves me. Sometimes I doubt his feelings and I know that’s not fair cos he don’t know how to show it. 

I am missing that feeling, that attention.

I remember 

I remember the first day I saw you.

I remember that first handshake.

 I remember the first time we spoke. 

I remember staring at you trying to figure you out. 

I remember you flirting  with me. 

I remember feeling shy around you.

I remember our first date.

I remember the first time we kissed. 

I remember walking hand in hand. 

I remember laying on your chest watching the stars.

I remember all the stupid jokes. 

I remember feeling sad.

I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough for you. 

I remember my breathing becoming heavier everytime you touched me. 

I remember my heart beating hard everytime I saw you. 

I remember hating you. 

I remember falling in love with you. 

I remember you making me feel important to you.

I remember feeling unimportant to you. 

I remember wanting you more than anyone.  

I remember your tears.

I remember wanting better. 

I remember wanting you to stay.

I remember slowly losing you.

I remember it all. The good. The bad. I still wouldn’t change it for the world. What I have learnt will never be forgotten. Never regretted. 

My letter to you

I wish I could tell you all this before you left but as you and I know I’m no good with talking. Instead I will write it down in this letter, least this way you will not forget what I have to say.

I hope you enjoy your holiday, you deserve it. You will slowly accomplish all your crazy dreams, one at a time.

I want you to know that even though I was so mad and sad with you leaving that I didn’t stop to think about You, deep down I knew how you felt but at the time I was blind with my own pain. I remember the night so clearly, we were sitting outside best buy on the step, I was wearing your ‘Blondie’ top and you was speaking, a lot. Maybe I wasn’t looking at you but I felt every single word. From that moment I no longer felt my pain, that night I only felt and saw your pain. After that day, for you I tried to act like everything was okay. I realized that night that sometimes no matter how much you love a person you have to let them go. I understood you wasn’t happy, I was just hoping that maybe over time it would change. All I ever want from you is to never stop smiling, never stop laughing, never stop being you.

I understood you wasn’t yourself here, and as much as it hurts to watch you walk away from me I wish for you the best, I never wanted to change your mind or to make you feel bad for your decisions, I just didn’t want to accept it, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, I never will be ready to say goodbye.

You was and will always be a part of me, you will always be in my heart and I will keep all our memories forever.

I fell in love with you even on your bad days. I wouldn’t change anything about our relationship, I just wish it didn’t have to end this way.  Maybe I never said it out loud but it doesn’t make it any less true, I am sure that you could see that everything  I did was for you. My actions spoke enough.

This isn’t goodbye, there is no goodbye between us.

Just, until next time..

Yours, always…..