Advice I would give to myself

Don’t worry about boys. 

They come and go, and maybe the excitement of a boy liking you is fun but trust me, it isn’t worth it,

Don’t be so bitter. 

There are many beautiful people in this world, you just have to go out there and find them, give people chances and when they destroy it, walk away.

Don’t hold grudges. 

Everyone is struggling in their own way, don’t hold it against them, forgive, forgive, forgive.

Don’t be so shy. 

You will miss so many opportunities, you are smart, beautiful, amazing, you can do everything and anything you put your mind too, don’t look at the others and compare, you are incomparable.

Be kind. 

Always be kind. No matter what and who, always be kind to others. You never know how much your words and actions can hurt a person for more than just a day.

Ask for help. 

Don’t suffer alone, ask for help, even if you don’t really need it, let people see that you are not scared to seek help, you don’t need to do everything alone.

Be calm 

Life is too short to scream and shout and be stressed over silly things. Keep peace within yourself.

Ignore 

Don’t listen to negativity, don’t associate yourself with bad people, bad vibes. Just because one person has a bad thing to say about you, don’t mean it is true, don’t dwell. Ignore.

Smile. 

Never forget to smile. Always smile. You don’t smile enough, laugh. Smile. Be happy. Fell good. Look good

Be used

It is okay to be used, not in a dirty way. In a good way, you will have many people coming and going in your life, using you for their own selfish needs, intentionally or unintentionally. If they gain something from you, allow them. Let them grow from your branches, just don’t let them take your roots.

Learn.

Learn from your mistakes, learn from others mistakes. Keep learning, don’t let your brain ever sleep.

Never regret 

I know we all do stupid things, make stupid choices but don’t regret any of them. Learn from them, look at what those people taught you, at the positive side of it, they helped you become who you are today.

Appreciate 

Appreciate everyone and everything. Nothing in life is easy, we are all facing our own difficulties, appreciate what people do for us. Even the small things.

Most importantly .. LOVE 

Love everyone, give love to whoever you want and you can, don’t suffocate them, just be there, to care, to hold, to spread love.

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Alone again …

Happy bir…..

Oh wait does that mean I have to just smile as if everything is okay.

There was 5 of us.. I didn’t want to go, I knew it was a bad idea. And yet I still went despite my guts. It was his birthday , the fuck boys birthday, let’s say we are friends.. He is more friends with my friend so I guess that’s why I was invited along.

They all spoke in the one language I don’t know. All. Night. Long. I felt so left out and alone, I wasn’t part of their group, I wanted to so badly to dissappear and never be seen again. Generally I am shy, I keep myself to myself, the serious type until you get to really know me. Then I am a little crazy. When I’m in an uncomfortable situation I completely close up. I wanted to cry. I felt completely invisible.

I was mad with my 2 friends, the others I didn’t know so well, so I didn’t care. They knew me and still they didn’t include me, after telling them more than once they just brushed me off like whatever.

Yesterday he came to me and asked me if I enjoyed my evening I had to explain again I felt unwanted and uncomfortable and instead to apologise he had the audacity to tell me to just not come.

As if I am nothing.

It’s easier to not invite the stupid English girl along than to speak a language everyone knows.

I haven’t felt this alone for a long time and here I am again wondering why, why am I alone.

Special

You have something special inside you, never change it. 

Thank you …

If that is true then why am I alone.

Why am I fighting for one guy to stay and another one to actually want more with me.

Why do you see the special in me but they don’t, maybe they do but they don’t want to nourish it, they don’t want to be part of it.

Why can’t you be someone else telling me this. I have so many questions why, but also on the other hand, I just don’t care.

I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, I don’t want to feel or think.  I want to pass my days with no extra thoughts than I need, I feel myself being like that, not caring about anyone, including myself.

I am okay with being used and using others. I know.. It’s going to catch up on me and I will find myself in a ball, crying my eyes out wondering why I feel so much pain in my heart and why no one is here to hold me just to tell me everything is going to be okay. To hold my hand and tell me that I am going to be okay.

I am smiling everyday, but I know inside I am dying, I am broken.

Youth – Daughter

Shadows settle on the place that you left
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness
Destroy the middle, it’s a waste of time
From the perfect start to the finish line

And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones
Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong

We are the reckless, we are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day, we’ll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there

And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones
‘Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone
We’re setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home
It was a flood that wrecked this home

Mood Change

Yesterday I was on a high, a total high. I felt so happy, so good, I laughed a lot.

Today ..

The opposite.

I feel like I just want to cry my eyes out, from the moment I woke up I felt like shit. How is it possible to flip my mood so quick.

I feel an ache in my chest, in my heart, in my brain. Everywhere. I feel stressed,, alone, sad.

I am alone, I have all these people around me but the one that I really want attention from don’t give it to me. He don’t want me and I am trying so hard to not want him, but when I look into his eyes, I die.

Spending time with him makes it worse, our personalities they compliment each other, maybe we are not good for each other, but that don’t stop me wanting to try. I just want a chance, nothing more.

Just

One

Chance.

 

A Rose Between Two Thorns

A Rose Between Two Thorns

I heard this expression before; I was around 14 I think and it was aimed towards my brother. At the time I didn’t understand it, I didn’t get how difficult it could be.

Now I get it. I understand to the max.

I am the Rose.. and the two thorns are the two guys, I am stuck in the middle of them, not knowing which one to choose, which one is better for me. Which one I have future with.

So far it is not looking good, so far I am digging myself a grave. I will bury myself alive and its only me to blame. I know that both of them are a lost cause but here I am, doing what I do best. Shooting myself in the foot.

Why, dear God why is nothing easy. Why do I go and make things so complicated. What is wrong with me. I am broken and I need to find a way to fix myself.

Quickly.

Before I damage those around me.

Messy Business

I need to tell someone. Anyone. But I can’t. I promised.

My colleague, actually my boss’ brother, my friends husband declared his feelings for me today.

Fuck. Fuck, Fuck.

Fuck.

I am speechless, lost for words, for actions. I feel so uncomfortable. I need to tell someone but anyway I tell it will get back to his wife, to my friend and it will ruin their relationship, ruin my life.

Why, why does this shit happen to me. The guy I want don’t want me but someone else husband does. Like what the actual fuck.

He told me he hasn’t felt this way since his wife, they have been together for 12 years  and now !? and now he can’t sleep because of me, that I give him butterflies that he hasn’t felt in such a long time, oh dear God please get me out of this living hell.

I have a sick feeling inside, my body feels weak and I want to hid somewhere, anywhere away from this mess. I am working with him 9 hours a day, just the two of us, I can’t even escape the situation.

I just hope it don’t get worse, that he don’t confess to his wife how he feels about me, I hope he didn’t expect me to feel the same way about him. Oh fuck.