I am scared

I’m scared to open up. I’m scared to open up to family , to friends, to even strangers. I’m scared of being a dissapointment. I’m scared of being judged for my actions. I’m scared that I will be thought less off. Most of all I’m scared to admit it to myself.  To think about all the wrong doings I have done, or regretted.

There is so much going on in my head that I don’t even know how to make sense of it. Even though here I feel free to open up, I’m still holding back. Holding back all them dark secrets that I am hoping will just dissappear. If I don’t talk about it, it won’t exist. Right?

I’ve been there , I’ve tried opening up before and it gets thrown back in your face. All that trust and belief in people is ruined, kicked to the side as if it didn’t take all your effort to open up this way. People don’t understand the struggle , they think you are being stupid, attention seeking but the truth is, it’s hard to find good people.

The worse part is having to open up and be honest with a new partner.  I want someone to love me, flaws and all. But how can I allow someone to love my flaws when I don’t accept them myself. I don’t want to lie and keep secrets from my loved ones but sometimes I believe it’s the best thing to do for everyone. 

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