I keep running back .. but too what ? It’s crazy how addicted you can become to another person. How you crave their attention. I hate feeling dependant. I want to feel that I can face the world alone, without anyone by my side. Thing is, I guess I just don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone. I’m worried that my craving for affection and company will cause me to make bad and wrong decision.
In paticular is this one guy, I didn’t pick him. Every bit of anger I had from my past I took it out on him, unintentionally. It’s not till I looked back did I realise what I done. How I hurt him. How I made a fool of him. How I picked the wrong guy. I’m the worse person on judging people and I truly misjudged him, I hate it.
I moved to another country. I was alone. Till Alex came along. He made me feel like home. He made me feel wanted again, after been kicked down so low. I thought moving away would make everything better but all I done was run away and push the problems to the back of my mind. That was the problem, he was just like the guys I always go for. The bad guys. The ones I think can be better but always turn out to be who everyone says. So I done what I done best and pushed him away and ran.
When I sit back and think about everything, I realise I was wrong. Totally wrong. He fell in love with me. The real me. The me that I’m scared people will hate. The me I tried to hide. I felt so comfortable with him, like he was an old friend.
He was so kind, sweet and funny. He would put me on top of the world no matter what. I was his number one. All he wanted was for me to give him the love back. I wanted to. I wanted to love him, I wanted to show him I could be the best thing that ever happened to him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t give myself to him because I don’t even know who I am anymore. When you lose a part of you, you need to go back and find it. Find the girl I used to be , not the bitter, twisted girl that I’ve turned into.
How can I love him when I can not even love myself.