Before it all went wrong (part 5)

The next few months was a blur. 2014 I think it was. I was single and I wasn’t really looking for anything.  Just some fun.  So along came my ‘fun’ at the start it was all okay. I knew what he was like but I thought he had changed. I thought he was improving. I guess you could say it was all my fault. 

He used to take drugs, I knew that.  He used to sell drugs, I knew that.  He had a temper.  I knew all this but when I was with him I was told he didn’t do any of it anymore. I believed him, maybe he was telling the truth, but I have no idea what was true with him.

We dated for around 6 months. He was clingy, very clingy. We would hang out every single day at his house and some days I enjoyed it and others I just wanted to have some alone time. However if I said this he would cry.  He would cry because he thought I didn’t want to be with him. That wasn’t the case. Things started to change. I was becoming more fed up with him and he was lying. Lying about everything.  The stories he would tell me never made sense. At the time I thought nothing of it.

I remember looking back and everyone I went to leave him to come home,y car tyre was flat. I could never understand why. Now I’m starting to think It was him..

For my birthday he bought me expensive gifts , gifts he couldn’t afford. I was flattered but I felt bad , I knew I didn’t love him the way I did before, the feelings that I had just went. I thought having some space from him would work but he started to become obsessive. When I broke up with him it became worse. I started to found out the truth.

He would ring my work to see if I was there. He started to track my iPhone to find out where I was. He went through my phone when I didn’t have it with me. He would start rumours about me. He would break and scratch my car. He would scream and shout at me in the middle of the street.

He made me feel mentally and emotionally abused. I would confront him and he would deny it all, he was so convincing. I didn’t know what to believe.  For a while I thought maybe I’m being too hard on him, maybe it’s not him at all. I knew deep down it was. I was paranoid. I was petrified of him.

If he saw me with a guy friend he would run up to them and hit them. There was a time I was giving a lift to a guy friend home and my ex came running out of no where and started beating him up. I was so scared. I thought eventually he will come for me. To come hurt me.

No one really knew how bad it all was. I’ve never been so low. The hard part was pretending I was okay. Pretending it never got to me, it did. It ruined me. It ruined my trust.  It ruined relationships. It ruined my life.

All I can do is blame myself. Blame myself for being so blind and not seeing the signs. I never thought he would act out this way. Make me feel this way. I know I’m still affected by it , I know I always will be.

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