After a year of torture. I moved to another country. In a way I ran away. At first I was still scared. Until I realised no one can get to me.
I started looking for company. It’s lonely with no friends and no one to talk to. I started up Tinder. Honestly I was just looking for people to talk to.
I matched with this one guy in paticular. He looked cute. We started to speak. We spoke ever day, at the time he was studying in UK so we would Skype each other and speak everyday. We got to know each other pretty well. Told each other everything. I was worried about meeting him, I was worried that I wasn’t going to be good enough. Worried that maybe he wouldn’t like me in person.
It was perfect. We met and it was like I knew him forever. I know I was holding a part of me back because I was scared he wouldn’t like it. He was a sensitive guy, he took everything personal. I’m quite fiery and I can snap, so I held back, a lot.
We dated for 4 months. I have never cried so much in 4 months of my life. His parents didn’t like me. We lived far from one another. He lost his trust towards me. He hated boys talking to me, and every time they did I would report to him. Thinking now it was stupid. He wanted to know but it only made him mad. It annoyed me when he acted this way but I never allowed him to see that. I didn’t want him to see that. I knew if he saw that side of me he wouldn’t want me.
The things I done for him were stupid. I became so submissive. I feel In love with this boy so hard and I didn’t want to let him go. He was my drug. I never knew what people meant before but now I do. I would have done anything for him to be in my life. I deleted all my old friends on Facebook. I changed my mobile number. I done whatever he wanted. Even though he didn’t ask straight up, I knew that’s what he wanted me to do. So I did it.
After we broke up I realised, I realised he wouldn’t have done any of that for me. He had an ex. They broke up 5 years ago and everyday she would ring him. Call him. Text him. Sometimes he would answer. I asked him why and he gave me silly answers. Eventually he blocked her. Only because I forced him, which I shouldn’t of have had done.
I’m the type of girl that needs space. It’s not because I don’t love someone or want to be with them. Sometimes we need to be alone to just breathe. I couldn’t breathe with him. If I took too long texting him back he would complain. If I wouldn’t open up and talk about my feelings he would get annoyed. Even if I did open up and explain my feelings he would still get annoyed. Sometimes it was like he never really knew me, which now I realise he didn’t. We were too different. He never accepted my flaws. He never would because he had an idea of this perfect girl who isn’t me.
It still hurts. When I think about him. When I see something that reminds me of him. My throat swells. My eyes sting. My chest aches. Sometimes wishing there was something I could have done to fix things. Wishing sometimes that I was a different person.