Alex. Alex. Alex.
I don’t know where to begin with Alex. We are like a yoyo.
It was my first day at work. He was the owners son. I thought nothing of him. He would try and talk to me and be friendly but I wasn’t interested. Everyday he would be there, in my face. I liked him, for some reason I did really like him. He was strange, in a good way. Plus we were from the same area which helped having something in common. We would walk around the field and walk his dog. I knew he liked me. I’m not stupid. Then he tried to kiss me, he was so confident. I remember pushing away and walking away.
I don’t know at what point it all happened. But it did. We were alone and well that was that. The next day I went cold on him. I didn’t even think I was, I thought that’s all he wanted so then he would leave me alone. He never did. He had a go at me for being cold with him. I was so confused I didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t work there long because I ran away. I ran away from the mess like always. He wanted me an the thing is I wanted him however the guy I spoke about before he was in the picture too. See how it’s messy.
The thing with Alex was he was just like them. Like the guys I have always been with. Where as tinder boy was different, I thought that’s what I needed but it wasn’t. We wasn’t as good together as we thought.
I got to know Alex pretty well. Better than I knew anyone. The strange thing is, he knew me. He knew me better than I knew me. I hated that. That he could read right through me. He was my type of guy and I didn’t want that. He was so sweet and kind and all I ever done was be mean to him. Treat him like a fool. Every pain and heart break I had, I took it out on him. Everything came rushing back like a bad dream.
Alex is still in my life. On and off. He loves me and wants to be with me. I feel safe and secure with him. Yet I won’t take the leap. I’m fed up of taking wrong turns. I’m tired. I can’t bare to wake up one morning for him to realise he don’t love me anymore. He don’t want me anymore. I don’t want to go through any more guys. I want the next one to be the last. I’m sick and tired of the dissapointment and heartbreak that I’m causing myself.
He fell in love with me. All of me the good and the bad. I’m his number one. That’s all I ever wanted, to be loved, flaws and all. To be put first. He does everything I want, but yet I can’t find the strength to take that step.