I don’t want to be the vulnerable one again, but I am.
I feel so small. I wish I could communicate with people but I can’t, the words get stuck in my throat and I choke.
‘Tell me how you feel’
‘Tell me what you are thinking’
I switch off. Totally. My mind goes blank. Completely blank. I don’t know what to say or how I am feeling. It’s awful what happens. Now I sit here alone and I know exactly what to say and how to say it. I can replay it In my head a thousand times. When I’m in front of him. I’m off.
I hate It , I hate it more than you can imagine. He hates it and I want to change how I am, I don’t want to lose him because of how stupid I am. I don’t want to push everyone close to me away because I can’t communicate.