Falling apart 

It is amazing how just hearing your voice makes my heart stop beating. Seeing your face makes it start breaking. 

You can not imagine how much I hold back my tears while we talk. The moment we hang up that phone, I break down. 

Completely break down. 

The ache in my chest multiplies and all them tears I held back just gush out. The worst part is I can’t make it stop. Nothing I do makes it stop. I am mean to you,  not because I want to be but because I have to be. I don’t want to love you anymore, to see the light shine from you as if you were Gods gift. I don’t want to look at you in that way. I want to hate you for leaving me like this but yet I don’t. I don’t want to hate you, I want to remember all the times we spent together and be happy, and when I do it all comes back to you leaving, the pain I feel is ten times more than the happiness I felt when we were together. 

I see him trying to make me laugh and be happy but It don’t work, I wonder if he sees that. I wonder if he realises I am not okay. That I am struggling each and every day to get myself out of my bed and be constructive. I wonder if he misses me the way I do, thing is everything here reminds me of you. 

I’m lost and I’m alone. I’m giving up on everything and everyone. I don’t like who I’m becoming. I’ve become to weak to even change it. 

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‘Fuck buddy’

Right … for me this is totally out of my comfort zone. I have made a decision to have a fuck buddy. Kind of. 

I met a guy from tinder who only wants sex. No relationship. I respect his honesty. We got on so well. Our personalities just clicked. I felt so comfortable around him. He was so sweet and caring, even while we were kissing he was concerned if he was leaning too much on me or doing something I didn’t want. He was very respectful and honestly I have never felt that way before. 

We didn’t have sex the first night. I didn’t want too. He respected that. I have met other guys that get mad if you don’t have sex with them. As if you are wasting their time and I don’t like this attitude. This guy … he cared about how i felt. If I felt safe and comfortable with him before we stopped somewhere dark in his car. 

Really I can’t believe how considerate he was of my feelings. I haven’t even had boyfriends that considerate. 

We agreed on the sex only thing however I’ve never done this before. For a guy that only wanted sex he seemed to be really ‘loving’ he was trying to hold my hand, play with my hair, kissing me gently goodbye. Everything about him was respectful. 

I’m just not so sure if I am going to end up getting too attached to him. I don’t want to feel anything for anyone. I just want to have fun to not think of anything else. 

The signs are back 

Its all making sense to me now. Someone is screaming at me DON’T DO IT 

The universe’s is giving me signs. Telling me you’re not ready. That it’s not the right time. 

Now I could ignore them signs like I always do..  or I could embrace them. Follow them until I get another one. 

You see I went on a date the other day which proved I wasn’t ready however i still went ahead and planned another. This guy however bailed on me. He cancelled on me. There we go, the sign to just stop. To not even bother. 

Well maybe that’s how I want to read it but still. I’m done. I’m done with trying. I’m done with pretending. I’m just done. 

Tinder 

I’m back in the game. Literally. 

It’s been maybe 2 years since I’ve last used tinder. Oh how I have not missed it. In my opinion it’s just a bunch of horny desperate men. 

From what I have experienced anyways. Okay I’m not looking for relationship. I’m just looking for a distraction, not really looking for a fuck buddy either. You could say actually I am completely wasting their time. It’s just something to do. 

I will meet with anyone who wants to. I will not have sex with them. I will see how things go. I am not looking for a potential partner cos that don’t work. I am looking for an escape from reality. To meet with guys that don’t know me and be whoever I want to be in them moments we are together. They don’t need to know all my deepest darkest secrets. They don’t need to know me. To just have some fun with new people, you never know who I will meet. 

I know I’m not ready to find a new partner. How can I,when I’m still in love with him. It’s not practical. It don’t work like that. I need to get over him my own way, not with a rebound. 

So .. ready.. set.. GO 

Not ready 

I thought I needed to move on, find a distraction. To find another guy to help me get over him. I know, bad idea and I realised that last night. 

I went on a date. I was so uninterested, bored and all I could do is think about him. We didn’t connect at all and the whole night blew. However the worse part was I drive home crying, crying my eyes out cos all I could think about is why did he have to leave. I don’t want any other guy. I just want him back. 

When I got home I rang him to just hear his voice again. To feel him close to me. No matter what tho it’s too late. He is gone and I have to find a way to accept it. 

Im falling apart and I don’t know how to keep myself together. 

Miss me 

I want you to miss me .. real bad. 

I want you to think about me at all times. I want you to wonder what I’m doing,how I am. I want you to talk about me and mention my name in every conversation. I want you to realise that you’ve lost me. I want you to feel like this was a mistake. I want you to come home,to me. I just want you back, us back to how we were.