What is wrong with me !?
I want what I can not have. I have been meeting this guy for 2 months, just for sex but I like him ! I really like him ! When I decide to stop meeting him, I see his bloody beautiful eyes and he melts me. Last night we met for the last time. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I wanted to talk. To explain why I couldn’t continue meeting him. I want more and he can not give me more. He has been very honest from the start. He just wants sex.
I have been a fool. No, he has been too nice. We had the best sex ever last night. He put so much effort into it. It was perfect. He showed me what I would be ‘missing’ he showed me he didn’t want to ‘lose’ me. He fucked with my head.
We went for a drive and half way he stopped the car, and pulled off a flower from the street and gave it to me. Now what the fuck !? I’ve told this guy I like him, I have told him I can not meet anymore because I want to find someone who wants a relationship with me and he is acting like this ! Making me want and like him more ! Last night he destroyed me.
When we said goodnight he hoped to see me again. He told me to think that he is not a nice guy so that I do not like him. Imagine .. After being so fucking sweet and giving me a flower he tells me to think of him as a bad guy. Okay. Great. Perfect.
If I don’t see him I can control it. But when I see his face I melt and he has all control.
Why am I being played with ? Well for a start I’m allowing him. I need to stop finding these types of guys.
We kissed ! Finally Mr fireman kissed me.
We went for a walk, we were flirting, laughing and then .. BAM we kissed.
I am very excited about him. He seems different. He seems like a nice guy. But.. yes there is a but, I am not sure. I am always not sure, with every guy I date I am not sure, I just give them a chance. You can’t know someone after 3 dates.
My other problem .. my fuck buddy. I have told him I want more than sex and he has been okay with it, however.. last night he messaged me , telling me he missed me, that he don’t want to loose me and how he wants to see my one last time. What does he want from me!? He wants everything but nothing. I am attracted to him so much but we want different things and I can’t continue like this.
I want to make it work with Mr. Fireman.. I want to see if it will work. I’m excited about him, about us.
Update on Mr. Fireman !
So, we went on another date. I have so much fun with him, I don’t think I have ever laughed so much on a date. He is so much fun, and damn he is cute. I can see myself really falling for him, that scares me a little bit but not in a crazy way, which is good.
He is doing and saying all the right things. He showed me the stars and offered to cook me dinner. I’ve never really had a guy that has wanted to know my soul so deeply.
So date one he hardly touched me. Date two, he was touching me more, my hand, leg, pushing my hair away from my face.
At the end of the night, we hugged, he grabbed my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. Yes. My forehead. I was a little disappointed, well unexpected. Any ‘date’ I’ve ever been on, they always kiss on the first or at least second date.
I think that maybe he wants to take things slow, I have no problem with that. I just want to kiss him already !
I’m just hoping that he does like me, he is showing me he does but you never know. Maybe he is being a gentleman, I have no idea. If date 3 and still no kiss then I need answers.
I am powerful.
I am strong.
Today I realised my self worth. I can’t tell you exactly what it was that made me realise, but its like it hit me, it hit from out of nowhere.
I dated a guy for 18months and not once did he tell me he loved me, I dated him right up until the moment he walked away. Forget the reasons why, they are not important. You got up and you walked and you left me to pick up all the pieces. We were not a team, from day one we were not a team.
For 2 months I have had a fuck buddy. I am a booty call, a quick fuck. At first it’s, what ? Exciting I guess, different, something I have never done before or even consider, up until now. Up unitil I completely gave up, not only on men but also on me. As if I wasn’t worth anything more than just sex.
No. I have had enough .I am worth more. I have a lot to offer, hell I don’t care. I know I have a lot to offer, I am the best fucking thing you called have. Yes I have my flaws, we are humans, we make mistakes, we fix them, we move on to making more mistakes. I am not perfect, neither are you. No person on this earth is perfect. But I am worth more than what I am getting. No, it is not their fault. It is mine. I have allowed my self to think all these years that I am not worthy, today I realised I am.
I will stand tall, I will be nothing less than myself and I will show every single one of you what I am worth. I will no longer me treated like a doormat, I will no longer expect second best, I will not accept to be a dirty sex secret.
I am worthy.
So I went on another date.
He is a fire fighter. 28 years old. Cute. Funny. Sweet. A Gentleman.
He drove 40mins to meet me, we went for coffee. I really enjoyed his company. Yes I was nervous. I’m always nervous meeting new people. He was, well he is, different. A little crazy but in a good way and I believe we are on the same page. From what I understand he is looking for a girlfriend, not just a fling. And well, I’m looking for the same thing, I’m a relationship kinda girl.
Here is the problem. I’m not sure. Like every guy I have dated I have not been 100% sure with them, but I’ve always given it a chance and it always never works. I’m starting think maybe you need to be 100% sure on someone for them to be ‘the one’ but then again maybe not, I am be wrong and usually I am.
I don’t think I’ve felt this way in a long time. Not even with my ex. This feeling is something else, something I haven’t fully felt in a long time. I feel hopeful.
Am I crazy for believing this?
But who cares!? I have experienced guidance from the universe. Really I have. The only problem is I have never actually followed it. That’s changing. I will follow the path I am supposed to take. I will stop resisting and ignoring the signs.
My eyes are wide open and I am ready for anything.