It is weird how I am allowing strangers basically to be inside my head. For me this is like a diary, where I let go of everything in my head. To just give myself some sanity. Here I am allowing whoever wants to read it. I can’t even talk to my mum about how I feel. I can’t even tell my boyfriend that I’m in love with him. Yet here I am sharing all the tiny details with strangers.
I envy those people that can express themselves so simply. How I wish I was able to do so, how many things would be so much easier. Yet I seem to complicate everything.
It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.
Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time. Still..
My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself.
I need it to stop.
I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone. I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse.
I believe he is giving me signs.
Who is ‘he’ you ask.. God ? An unexplainable presence..The universe ? Whatever it is I’m receiving them.
Everytime I feel down about myself, that I’m not good enough, or that I will be forever alone, I get a sign. By sign I mean an interest from guys.
I wouldn’t say I have trouble getting guys, I do however have trouble getting good guys.
I believe I am being shown that I am good enough and if my boyfriend don’t see and appreciate that then maybe I truly am wasting my time. I know there is a lot of guys out there but I can’t seem to let go of the one I have. The one I want.
I am being told that I don’t need to worry, there is plenty of fish in the sea. I don’t need to just settle for someone who won’t give me the world. I deserve the world and more. I will get my happy ever after.