I want 

You know what I want. 

I want for once a guy to treat me like the world. No, really. 

I want to be taken out for dinner as a surprise. 

I want kissing in the rain. 

I want to feel like I am your number one and no matter what happens that you will love me.

 I want you to look at me and feel like the luckiest guy ever. 

I want you to appreciate what I give you.

 I want to be number one and every moment counts. 

I want that fairy tale romance. 

Really, I want others to look on and wish they had what I had. 

But you know what I really want. I just want to be happy, I don’t want to cry, to feel pain, to feel I’m not good enough. 

I just want to be loved. 

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Don’t call me babe 

Don’t call me babe 

I’m not your babe. You decided that when you walked away from me. You made that decision to cut us off when you left. You want the best of both? You made it clear that we couldn’t make this work. So why are we pretending to be friends? When all we are is strangers. 

We are no longer a team. Not as one. We are on different paths and for a while I’m sure you was just stretching over from your path to make it seem like we were on the same. I was too blind to see It, to admit it. 

Now I’m alone. Thinking of you every second of the day. Crying every night and morning. Wondering, now what. Time does not always heal. Sometimes time does nothing. I know right now the days are getting harder. Isn’t it supposed to soften the blow. 

I’m keeping occupied but the moment my head hits my pillow, I lay awake thinking of you. Replaying so many memories. Seeing your face. Feeling your touch. Imaging too many different scenieros. 

How about You? How are you coping with This? I don’t need to answer cos I already know It, you’re fine. Just peachy. I’m sure I don’t pass your mind, if I do I’m sure it’s not so much. I’m sure your days and your nights are not filled with tears and pain. I’m not asking you to suffer, I’m just wondering if it was all real. Or just an act. 

Not a good day 

Today is not a good day for me. 

I’ve woke up very emotional. Today I miss him, okay every day I miss him but today something hit me harder than most days. 

I’m not sure what it is but I can’t stop the tears. I cant even talk to anyone. 

It’s just me pretending everything is okay. That I am dealing with everything fine. People always say that time is a healer. With time things will get easier,you’ll hurt less. It’s not true. Yes time helps but not always, not so much. 

I feel so disconnected to the world, to him, to myself. I’m so lost. 

Stop 

Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP. 

Enough. I can’t feel like this anymore. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying ! Enough is enough. I have a emptiness in my chest. An ache. A real physical breaking. Enough. 

I want to be happy. Not miserable. I don’t want to think about you, in any way. I just want peace. How do I make it all Stop!?! 

She Used to be Mine

It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

Dreams 

I believe it, I belive that our dreams have meaning. Yes of course out daily routine has affects on them, but I believe the majority of them have meanings. Our subconscious telling us something. 

I have had many strange dreams and when I have researched the meaning, they make perfect sense, they sum up my feelings. 

Last night I had a dream about my ex, it was a strange dream, from what I understood dreaming of an ex could mean many different things,from my conclusion the reason was because my ex he wanted me so bad , he loved me and he showed me that. With my current boyfriend, Yes he is better in so many ways but he don’t show me that he wants me that bad, or that he even loves me. Sometimes I doubt his feelings and I know that’s not fair cos he don’t know how to show it. 

I am missing that feeling, that attention.