Maybe that is all what it comes down to.
Him, not wanting to even try. I haven’t asked, I’m not sure I even want to know the answer if I ask him to try. I’m not sure if it’s the right time. If it would be possible.
Every day and every night. I feel a huge weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, I feel my eyes heavy and my heart aching.
For my birthday he bought me a gift, a heart and key necklace and since the day I put it on, I never took it off. Two days ago I done that, I removed it and every now and again I am reaching for it, but it isn’t there, just like he wont be. I removed our pictures, slowly I will try, not saying I will succeed but I’ll try to remove him from my mind at least. I know I will never remove him from my heart.
Even the thought of having sex with him, I can not. All I can think is in a few months he may be touching someone else this way and I feel sick. Physically sick. I know people move on, we need to move on to go forward. It don’t stop the pain. It don’t stop me feeling wrong. I want to enjoy our last days together but I can’t. I have so many crazy stories running thru my mind and It will get worse. When he will finally go that is when it will hit me hard. I will be totally alone and I can’t run to him, I won’t know anything. He will be home distracted, forgotten about me.
I need to ask him to try. To at least try to make it work.
I must ask myself at least 10 times a day… ‘but.. why?’
Why do I feel sad?
Why do I feel pain?
Why do I hate myself so much?
Why am I so scared?
Why am I so emotionally insecure?
When I feel a certain why I ask myself … ‘but..why?’ cos I have no true reason, I have no true pain, or do I?
I know I have been through shit in my life and it hasn’t been easy, but people have been through worse, miles worse. Yet I still feel sorry for myself. You wouldn’t think it, I am good, actually I am a master of hiding my pain, my fear, basically my feelings. In a way its good, on the other hand I closed myself up so much that I am also a master of hiding love, compassion and care.
You see when you become good at something you become good in all aspects. Even in the way you don’t want it to be.
I have my coffee, I have a computer that don’t lag, I am alone and ready to tell you whats new.
Well, I don’t think what I am about to say is going to be much of a surprise to anyone who has been reading and following, but it’s GAME OVER.
2nd player has logged off.
Well actually I would say I was the 2nd player, so lets say 1st player completely hit shut down. Not literally I guess.
He made a choice to leave, to go home to his country and I have to accept it. Will he have a better life there? No. He has NO life their. However he will come back, only for the season. So for 6 months he will be here and for the rest he will be home, home sweet fucking home.
I am mad. I can’t hid that, I am sad, for sure I am sad. I don’t know which feeling is stronger, the anger or the hurt, I guess they’re the same.
I fell again, as always I fall. No fault of my own. I start to imagine a wonderful life, a life that only happens in fairy tales. A life I guess I am not deserving of. But once again, I am alone, once again I will fall into the arms of the wrong guy, maybe more than one wrong guy and I will regret it, just the way I’ve regretted many other aspects of my life.
I truly believed I was done with searching for ‘the one’ I thought I was ready, ready to hold onto this one guy.
After 16 months of pure bliss, its done. I have no say in it. I can’t change his mind, I can’t do anything but to sit around and watch the world, my world, crash down around me, allowing the earth to chew me up and spit me out, that is if i’m lucky enough.
I have one month left with him here. He will leave November, but I’m letting go now. I decided to let go now. Last night I told him, I told him I don’t want to see him anymore cos I can’t bare it. I am so excited to meet with him everyday but when I’m with him I feel like I am drowning, all I see is him walking away from me and my mood changes, I can’t enjoy the moment, I can’t enjoy anything actually.
But…. being him. He refused. Funny that, how can you try to dump someone and they refuse it? I am not so sure either how. All I know is that some how he refused to accept what I was saying, he told me, yes told me that we will meet. It seemed more like an order actually, but not in a bad way. It was as if I saw something, his pain ? I’m not sure what exactly, but he cares, I see that, but I don’t need that if he isn’t going to be with me.
It’s not possible for our relationship to work, I believe, actually I know he won’t try to make it work.
So, now I am here, expressing everything before I totally explode. Maybe what I’ve wrote makes no sense at all, maybe I’m just rambling on but I need to tell someone my story, even If I am only writing to myself.
I have a decision to make right now, actually in the next 2 hours I need to have made it. Either I go to see him tonight and we talk, or I go home. Avoid him completely, his calls, texts, everything. I know what I want to do but I also know that my initial choice is the wrong one. Going to see him is going to make this a whole lot harder, it’s going to hurt to watch him pack away his things, walking away from me, getting on that plane while I sit awake every night crying, wondering, imaging him with everyone but me. Analyzing every moment we spent together, every touch, kiss, laugh, smile.
Avoiding him? Okay, It is not the best option either, but least I won’t have to say goodbye.
I feel like all I do lately is complain.
I feel that the whole world is on my shoulders, but how dare I.
I have everything, I have a home, a family, a life, yet I am not happy. My stomach is full, I am safe, I am warm, but here I am wanting MORE.
I can’t help but think I am not worthy of more, I am not worth my value. Something is bothering me but i can not pin point exactly what it is.
The problem is, I am alone. Totally alone. Yes I have my family and my boyfriend. Apart from this, i have nothing else. No one else. I was out one night with some work colleagues and I didn’t fit. I wasn’t the girl I was, or maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I want to have fun but I feel stuck, I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest throughout every day.
After one year and 3 months. I can’t anymore. I have been defeated.
I tried so hard to be what he wanted. I tried so hard to hold my anger, to be so patient. I can’t anymore.
I must cry at least once a week from the way he talks to me. I must feel shit nearly 3 times a week from the way he treats me. Yet I continue to go back. To hear his apolige. To accept it.
You see I can’t blame him; I only blame myself. I allowed him. I always allow them to treat me like shit then wonder why. All I want is a guy to love me, not to want to change me, or to get mad with me all the time.
I just want a happy ever after. Is it too much to ask for.
I encounter at least 5 arseholes a day. On a busy day.. double it.
Maybe I am to blame for allowing them to be an arsehole to me. It varies from pushing in front of me in a queue to barging me in a busy street. However it is always me
I know I’m the small, quiet one that is basically invisible,but that gives no right to others to actually treat me that way.
I wish I was stronger, louder more aggressive but it’s not in my nature. Unfourtnetly I allow people to walk all over me until it’s too late, it is then I try to be the stronger one but it’s too late,the damage is already been done and I still excuse people for their wrong doings.
This is a trait of myself that I hate, if you knew me, really knew me, not just know of me or an accomplice, a colleague but really knew me like I knew me, then you would understand,You would all understand that the girl you see everyday not caring about others opinions, not caring about being pushed around, thrown around, the sly jokes people make, all the hate and anger I’ve had towards me and here I stand acting like I’m this big strong independent lady.. But the sad truth is, I am not. I am weak, insecure,lonely, I feel pain,daily. I cry, I hurt, I wish things were differnet but i cant let you know that, cos if you know that then I really am weak.