This is how I feel 

I am so bitter towards you and I can’t help it. I really really want to be okay but im not. I want to laugh and smile with you but I can’t. I am mad, so mad and alone because of you. It’s not about the reasons anymore. It all comes down to one factor. I was never going to be a part of your life. Deep down you knew it and maybe I did to. You left me behind and I’m not saying it was easy for you but you still walked away. For that I can never forgot, or even forgive. Yes you can made me cry many times, made me feel I wasn’t good enough. However this, this was the worst of it all. 

I’m sitting here alone every day and night wondering what will happen when you come back. In 4 months you will he here, you will stay here for 6 months and I wonder will we meet ? Will we be friends ? Will we be more ? But how can we be more, how can we when in just a few short months you will go ahead and leave me again.

 I don’t think I can ever go back to him. All I can think about is who he is with now. If he has another girl, or who he is having sex with and it burns my brain. I know its not my business, we are not together but i feel like he is still mine. I don’t ever want to get attached to anyone ever again in my life. I don’t want to feel this way ever again in my life. 

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Angry

I am so angry.

I am a very understanding person. I trust easily, I give so many chances and yet I feel that people just continue to take advantage.

So , the story begins.

Lets go back about a month ago, a new girl started working with my boyfriend and he befriended her. They would go for walks, or the beach, after work to chill out. Somewhere along the way someone obviously saw them together, put two and two together and made three.

The girl got fired and is now working in the same hotel as I am. One other colleague asked him about this girl and how she is, she made a reference about them being more than just friends! Now my boyfriend was telling me this over the phone. I was so mad with him, I was mad with him because he made people believe that he would do such a thing to me, he made people believe that I am a fool. I understand the world is full of gossip, however I will not accept being made a fool of, by anyone, no matter how big or small.

I started to wonder if he done anything to make people actually say this thing. How dare they, how dare he. When I tried to explain to him why I was mad, he dismissed me, to say that these people are insignificant, and yes, they are, but it makes no difference to how i feel about the situation.

I shouldn’t be mad at him I know this, but I can’t help but believe it is his fault.

What do you guys think? Am I over-reacting?

 

Bad habits 

Chew. Chew. Chew. 

Biting my nails. I hate it. I remember when I was younger I was much worse .. I would bite them down so much. As I got older I became more in control but I’ve noticed when I am nervous, uncomfortable or anxious I chew away. Sometimes consciously mostly not. 

Lately these past few weeks all I have done is chew. It is such a bad habit but I can’t seem to stop. I can’t seem to stop biting. 

When I try to talk to my boyfriend about it he seems to brush it off. Then when I get annoyed that he doesn’t even care he starts to ‘care’. I’m not expecting him to do anything cos quite frankly he can’t. I just want to be able to talk to him and I just feel so disconnected from him sometimes. 

I can’t pin point what is bothering me. Maybe it is nothing at all. Maybe it’s just my mind playing with me. My emotions all over the place. I just wish there was a reason, least that way I could try to fix it. 

Fear within 

Why  should I be scared to walk alone at night?  Why should I be looking behind my shoulder while I wwalk?

Last night, after work I went for a walk. As the season is coming to a close there is not so many people around. 

For a very long time I was afraid to walk alone, afraid of the darkness, afraid of him. Last night I was so happy, I felt no fear inside me at all. I was stupid and wrong to feel that way. 

I think I have seen him before around, he looks familiar.  He started to talk to me, my first thought was he wanted to just get to know me, then I thought that he was going to rob me.. he wasn’t old.. late 20s, he was small, dark, his English was very bad. He started small talk as I walked towards my car, but then he was crossing the personal space boundary. While I was backing away he kept backing closer. He wanted to touch my hair.. then he started to pull at it, I got into my car, tried to close the door and he was blocking it… continuing to pull my hair out, smelling it, putting it in his pocket.  I could see his face change as I’m telling him to stop and go away. I could see he was getting angry, I never felt so scared, I didn’t know what to do at that point. He then sstarted  to ask for sex while pulling his dick out ! I was pulling and pulling at the door and he wouldn’t go away , he wouldn’t listen. Finally I thought and pressed my horn. he then stopped and  walked away. 

My whole body was shaking. I felt so sick. So sscared.  So angry.  So alone. 
I don’t want to feel this way, to feel so scared, to not be in control. 

I spent  a year  being scared , I spent a long time looking over my shoulder, wondering where he will come from next. I don’t want to feel like that ever again. I am so weak. I am so fragile. I hate myself for it. I hate that people  have the power to make me feel this way. 

I was scared of someone who ‘ loved’ me .. imagine what a stranger would do.

People wonder  why I am so cold. Why  I am not so friendly  with everyone. I am not anti social. I just have selective conversations. 

I am bored to hear the same shit. That the women that get attacked is because of what they’re wearing. That they provoke the man. That it is basically there fault to he walking alone in the dark. No. 

I was in my uniform. 19.30. Outside my Hotel where I work. In a large open space. Now tell me how it is my fault ? Tell me how I provoked this arsehole. We are not taken seriously. We are not protected. The sad thing is, there is nothing we can do. No woman or man can fix this world.Only  we can fix ourselves. 

Battlefield 

Work is really dragging me down. These people are really dragging me down. It’s like a battlefield that I am stuck in the middle off. 

How can people play games with other people. My emotions are all over the place.  I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to even believe. 

Yesterday we spoke my boss and I about the huge stupid mistake that I made. Her first reaction was to fire me. Can you believe it?!?! To fire me because of talking behind her back, in my eyes that is not a good enough excuse, especially when everyone else is doing exactly the same and actually worse. 

I am angry at myself but I am more angry at my ‘friend’ her first reaction when I told her that my boss wanted to talk was ‘don’t tell her the message was meant for me‘  what!? You want me to go down alone, no, I will not lie for you. As it worked out she already figured it out herself, I was not going to sit there and defend another especially when the other don’t give a flying fuck about me. 

Yes I take all the blame, of course, it was my fault. It don’t make it any easier. It don’t make me feel any less pissed off. I am furious at myself. I am furious that I allowed these bitches to control my thinking, to control me. I feel so hopeless, my job is hanging on a thin thread and I hate that more than anything. I hate being misjudged and branded as a nasty person, stupid yes I am, but nasty I will not accept. 

Work work work work work 

Working with females is hard. I am a 21 year old female, working with 3 females and 1 male. Now they are mature women, but they act like children. 

The worst has to be the ‘manager’ she is clueless. In which world should a manager be bitching about the staff. In which world should a manager do absolutley nothing. She sits around talking all day. She is rude to clients as well as us. She has no people skills. She has no management skills. 

I am surrounded by negative people all day long. Bringing down my mood. I can not even escape. I hold my tongue everyday not to say anything. I feel myself ready to explode. 

Here we go again

Why am I with a guy that doesn’t even want to see me. 

‘Not today hunny’ 

But why ? 

He is avoiding me .. again. 

With him he don’t know how to deal with situations. He gets stressed and he runs and hides. He done it for the first time to me about 3 weeks ago. He avoided me and I had no idea why, I had no idea what I done wrong. I have been with some really bad guys before, but this action really hurt. It hurt because I never expected it. It was a real surprise. 

When we eventually spoke he explained that this is how he deals with his stress and his problems. Okay. If that is how you cope with life, go ahead. All he had to do was tell me. 

Lets go back to Thursday night. He was so rude to me. I had enough so I walked away. But I came back. I was so angry at him but I needed answers. 

‘I am an arsehole’ 

Imagine. That is all he had to say. He had no other reason for it but that. He is an arsehole because he is stressed. Okay. Then when did I become the punching bag ?! We had this disscusion and we concluded that I am not a punching bag.. but here we are. Square one. Back to where it all started.  

Now ? I dont know, he is avoiding me. All week there is an outdoor cinema.. he don’t even want to see the films together. He would rather go with his roomates. So how should I feel now ? Good ? Happy? Understanding ? 

I just want a guy to be straight with me.. we are spending too much time together ? Tell me ! You want space ? Tell me ! You just want to be with the guys ? Tell me ! All I ask for is the truth. For how you feel. For what you want. I am not into assuming and mind reading. 

Im fed up of being second or last for everyone, especially a guy, especially my ‘boyfriend’