Don’t call me babe 

Don’t call me babe 

I’m not your babe. You decided that when you walked away from me. You made that decision to cut us off when you left. You want the best of both? You made it clear that we couldn’t make this work. So why are we pretending to be friends? When all we are is strangers. 

We are no longer a team. Not as one. We are on different paths and for a while I’m sure you was just stretching over from your path to make it seem like we were on the same. I was too blind to see It, to admit it. 

Now I’m alone. Thinking of you every second of the day. Crying every night and morning. Wondering, now what. Time does not always heal. Sometimes time does nothing. I know right now the days are getting harder. Isn’t it supposed to soften the blow. 

I’m keeping occupied but the moment my head hits my pillow, I lay awake thinking of you. Replaying so many memories. Seeing your face. Feeling your touch. Imaging too many different scenieros. 

How about You? How are you coping with This? I don’t need to answer cos I already know It, you’re fine. Just peachy. I’m sure I don’t pass your mind, if I do I’m sure it’s not so much. I’m sure your days and your nights are not filled with tears and pain. I’m not asking you to suffer, I’m just wondering if it was all real. Or just an act. 

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Complain

I feel like all I do lately is complain.

I feel that the whole world is on my shoulders, but how dare I.

I have everything, I have a home, a family, a life, yet I am not happy. My stomach is full, I am safe, I am warm, but here I am wanting MORE.

I can’t help but think I am not worthy of more, I am not worth my value. Something is bothering me but i can not pin point exactly what it is.

The problem is, I am alone. Totally alone. Yes I have my family and my boyfriend. Apart from this, i have nothing else. No one else. I was out one night with some work colleagues and I didn’t fit. I wasn’t the girl I was, or maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I want to have fun but I feel stuck, I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest throughout every day.

Am I crazy 

It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.

Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time.  Still.. 

My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself. 

I need it to stop. 

I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone.  I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse. 

Bad habits 

Chew. Chew. Chew. 

Biting my nails. I hate it. I remember when I was younger I was much worse .. I would bite them down so much. As I got older I became more in control but I’ve noticed when I am nervous, uncomfortable or anxious I chew away. Sometimes consciously mostly not. 

Lately these past few weeks all I have done is chew. It is such a bad habit but I can’t seem to stop. I can’t seem to stop biting. 

When I try to talk to my boyfriend about it he seems to brush it off. Then when I get annoyed that he doesn’t even care he starts to ‘care’. I’m not expecting him to do anything cos quite frankly he can’t. I just want to be able to talk to him and I just feel so disconnected from him sometimes. 

I can’t pin point what is bothering me. Maybe it is nothing at all. Maybe it’s just my mind playing with me. My emotions all over the place. I just wish there was a reason, least that way I could try to fix it. 

Weak

I feel so small sometimes. So invisible. So scared. So weak. 

He don’t get it. I believe he never will get it. We have complete different thought tracks on the world, on everything. I wonder how we are together, how we even got this far. 

I’ve never cared for a guy like this before and I understand why I get so upset and hurt when he says or does certain things. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just ignore it or just take it like ‘whatever’ but I can’t.  Instead I sit on it for days, thinking and thinking, ‘why?’ 

I don’t want to analysis everything he says and does. But it gets to me and eats at me for days. Sometimes longer. 

It don’t  help that I can’t speak. Everytime I open my mouth to explain, I choke on every word. When I finally find the courage to say something it comes out completely wrong. 

I was better at this, I know I was stronger. I lost myself and I thought I found myself again, but I didn’t, I haven’t.  I’m still lost.  I try so hard to fix the pieces back again but my mind isn’t cclea enough to even see them.