Am I crazy 

It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.

Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time.  Still.. 

My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself. 

I need it to stop. 

I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone.  I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse. 

Bad habits 

Chew. Chew. Chew. 

Biting my nails. I hate it. I remember when I was younger I was much worse .. I would bite them down so much. As I got older I became more in control but I’ve noticed when I am nervous, uncomfortable or anxious I chew away. Sometimes consciously mostly not. 

Lately these past few weeks all I have done is chew. It is such a bad habit but I can’t seem to stop. I can’t seem to stop biting. 

When I try to talk to my boyfriend about it he seems to brush it off. Then when I get annoyed that he doesn’t even care he starts to ‘care’. I’m not expecting him to do anything cos quite frankly he can’t. I just want to be able to talk to him and I just feel so disconnected from him sometimes. 

I can’t pin point what is bothering me. Maybe it is nothing at all. Maybe it’s just my mind playing with me. My emotions all over the place. I just wish there was a reason, least that way I could try to fix it. 

Weak

I feel so small sometimes. So invisible. So scared. So weak. 

He don’t get it. I believe he never will get it. We have complete different thought tracks on the world, on everything. I wonder how we are together, how we even got this far. 

I’ve never cared for a guy like this before and I understand why I get so upset and hurt when he says or does certain things. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just ignore it or just take it like ‘whatever’ but I can’t.  Instead I sit on it for days, thinking and thinking, ‘why?’ 

I don’t want to analysis everything he says and does. But it gets to me and eats at me for days. Sometimes longer. 

It don’t  help that I can’t speak. Everytime I open my mouth to explain, I choke on every word. When I finally find the courage to say something it comes out completely wrong. 

I was better at this, I know I was stronger. I lost myself and I thought I found myself again, but I didn’t, I haven’t.  I’m still lost.  I try so hard to fix the pieces back again but my mind isn’t cclea enough to even see them.