I feel like all I do lately is complain.
I feel that the whole world is on my shoulders, but how dare I.
I have everything, I have a home, a family, a life, yet I am not happy. My stomach is full, I am safe, I am warm, but here I am wanting MORE.
I can’t help but think I am not worthy of more, I am not worth my value. Something is bothering me but i can not pin point exactly what it is.
The problem is, I am alone. Totally alone. Yes I have my family and my boyfriend. Apart from this, i have nothing else. No one else. I was out one night with some work colleagues and I didn’t fit. I wasn’t the girl I was, or maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I want to have fun but I feel stuck, I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest throughout every day.
It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.
Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time. Still..
My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself.
I need it to stop.
I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone. I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse.
Chew. Chew. Chew.
Biting my nails. I hate it. I remember when I was younger I was much worse .. I would bite them down so much. As I got older I became more in control but I’ve noticed when I am nervous, uncomfortable or anxious I chew away. Sometimes consciously mostly not.
Lately these past few weeks all I have done is chew. It is such a bad habit but I can’t seem to stop. I can’t seem to stop biting.
When I try to talk to my boyfriend about it he seems to brush it off. Then when I get annoyed that he doesn’t even care he starts to ‘care’. I’m not expecting him to do anything cos quite frankly he can’t. I just want to be able to talk to him and I just feel so disconnected from him sometimes.
I can’t pin point what is bothering me. Maybe it is nothing at all. Maybe it’s just my mind playing with me. My emotions all over the place. I just wish there was a reason, least that way I could try to fix it.
I feel so small sometimes. So invisible. So scared. So weak.
He don’t get it. I believe he never will get it. We have complete different thought tracks on the world, on everything. I wonder how we are together, how we even got this far.
I’ve never cared for a guy like this before and I understand why I get so upset and hurt when he says or does certain things. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just ignore it or just take it like ‘whatever’ but I can’t. Instead I sit on it for days, thinking and thinking, ‘why?’
I don’t want to analysis everything he says and does. But it gets to me and eats at me for days. Sometimes longer.
It don’t help that I can’t speak. Everytime I open my mouth to explain, I choke on every word. When I finally find the courage to say something it comes out completely wrong.
I was better at this, I know I was stronger. I lost myself and I thought I found myself again, but I didn’t, I haven’t. I’m still lost. I try so hard to fix the pieces back again but my mind isn’t cclea enough to even see them.