Catching up

I have a lot of that to do. I run away from my problems. That’s what I do best. run. Every hurdle I come across I run away from it. I never thought I did. I thought I was good at dealing with my problems. Recently I realized I am not. I ran away from expressing myself. I ran away from friends. I ran away from life.

I remember when I was little and how care free I was. I was always the shy kid, the mute. Growing up was never easy, i guess it isn’t easy for anyone, but you always think the grass is greener. I know I did. I went to an all girls high school, so that was never easy, comparing yourself to the other girls, prettier girls, skinnier girls. It makes you start to feel inadequate. You would always be jealous of the girls that always got the boys. I’m blessed to say I wasn’t bullied. I never had any tolerance for people, I thought it was only a recent thing, but thinking back,  I was always like this, just not as bad. I had a big group of friends, yes, but I wasn’t tight with them. I never was allowed out on the weekends with them, and when I could I had no money, or I was working, helping the family. So my social life has always been a drag.

Over the years we parted, and I didn’t really care. I never made an effort with people, I just couldn’t be bothered to have to keep in contact with them. looking back now and seeing some of them still friends, it makes me wonder why I didn’t try. Deep down I guess they weren’t really for me.

When I started work, I made new friends… well I say friends but at the time they were. From the day we start school we are accustomed to this way of making friends. You have a class of 30 children you don’t have much choice on who your friends are going to be. Then you grow and now you have over 100 girls/guys in your year to make ‘friends’ with. Half of them won’t been in some of your classes and you wouldn’t even speak to them for the whole time you are at school. So yet again we are like mice. Trapped in a box to befriend another mouse that is also trapped. Then you move onto work and make more friends, you have no choice to hang out with these work colleagues, you are at work most the day so you don’t have time to meet many other people, so these people become your social life.. until you move on again.

I was never a big believer on friendship. People go and come into your life for a reason, maybe you needed them to push you into the right direction, or maybe to just see that not everyone is who they seem.