Changing who I am

Can I change my identity.

My name.

My personality.

My looks.

Be the new girl everyone wants to know.

Be more confident and wild. More daring and sexy. More funny and sweet. Be more everything that I am not.

Is that bad, how much I want to change who I am, even though I have been told by too many people that I am special, people who loved me and still do, family, friends, boyfriends, just boy friends, guys I have dated, guys I have fucked, guys I don’t even know. Strangers that I have only met once, employers, colleagues, you get the point.

So ? Why do I still see myself to be nothing special, not beautiful nor smart, not kind nor funny, just another person without meaning.

Then some days I look around and I judge, like all humans do. I don’t say its correct.

I look around and I wonder what is so special about him or her to have that job, or to be that rich, or to have that partner, why can’t I have those things. Why can’t I be the one that people judge and wonder.

Life is getting me down and I don’t even know how to fix it, where to even begin.

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Help

I need help.

I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.

I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.

I give up. I give up.

Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.

My safe place.

Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.

I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.