Can I change my identity.
Be the new girl everyone wants to know.
Be more confident and wild. More daring and sexy. More funny and sweet. Be more everything that I am not.
Is that bad, how much I want to change who I am, even though I have been told by too many people that I am special, people who loved me and still do, family, friends, boyfriends, just boy friends, guys I have dated, guys I have fucked, guys I don’t even know. Strangers that I have only met once, employers, colleagues, you get the point.
So ? Why do I still see myself to be nothing special, not beautiful nor smart, not kind nor funny, just another person without meaning.
Then some days I look around and I judge, like all humans do. I don’t say its correct.
I look around and I wonder what is so special about him or her to have that job, or to be that rich, or to have that partner, why can’t I have those things. Why can’t I be the one that people judge and wonder.
Life is getting me down and I don’t even know how to fix it, where to even begin.
I need help.
I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.
I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.
I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.
I give up. I give up.
Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.
My safe place.
Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.
I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.
Stress changes you.
It eats you up until you’re unrecognizable.
I’m pushing everyone away. I’m hiding, I’m running and I have no where to go. He is all I have but I’m pushing him. I’m playing a very dangerous game with myself and I don’t like it.