I must ask myself at least 10 times a day… ‘but.. why?’
Why do I feel sad?
Why do I feel pain?
Why do I hate myself so much?
Why am I so scared?
Why am I so emotionally insecure?
When I feel a certain why I ask myself … ‘but..why?’ cos I have no true reason, I have no true pain, or do I?
I know I have been through shit in my life and it hasn’t been easy, but people have been through worse, miles worse. Yet I still feel sorry for myself. You wouldn’t think it, I am good, actually I am a master of hiding my pain, my fear, basically my feelings. In a way its good, on the other hand I closed myself up so much that I am also a master of hiding love, compassion and care.
You see when you become good at something you become good in all aspects. Even in the way you don’t want it to be.
I am so angry.
I am a very understanding person. I trust easily, I give so many chances and yet I feel that people just continue to take advantage.
So , the story begins.
Lets go back about a month ago, a new girl started working with my boyfriend and he befriended her. They would go for walks, or the beach, after work to chill out. Somewhere along the way someone obviously saw them together, put two and two together and made three.
The girl got fired and is now working in the same hotel as I am. One other colleague asked him about this girl and how she is, she made a reference about them being more than just friends! Now my boyfriend was telling me this over the phone. I was so mad with him, I was mad with him because he made people believe that he would do such a thing to me, he made people believe that I am a fool. I understand the world is full of gossip, however I will not accept being made a fool of, by anyone, no matter how big or small.
I started to wonder if he done anything to make people actually say this thing. How dare they, how dare he. When I tried to explain to him why I was mad, he dismissed me, to say that these people are insignificant, and yes, they are, but it makes no difference to how i feel about the situation.
I shouldn’t be mad at him I know this, but I can’t help but believe it is his fault.
What do you guys think? Am I over-reacting?
It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.
Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time. Still..
My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself.
I need it to stop.
I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone. I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse.
I’ve come to the point where I am desperate for help.
I’m in love with a guy that I believe will never return the feelings.
He is a 27 year old, care free, live in the moment guy. He takes everything as a joke. I never know when he is serious, if ever.
The worse of it all is that I believe he don’t ever want to commit and settle down and that worries me.
He don’t want to meet my parents. To me that seems like he isn’t on planning on sticking around. He reminds me on how he is a ‘free spirit’ how he never will marry or have children. However he has said before that he would like children . Is he just playing.
Am I wasting my time with a guy that don’t want and never will want the same future as me?
Tight chest… deep breathing. Sweating… confusion. Watery eyes … my anxiety is playing up.
I should be happy, happy that my boyfriend will stay here but I can’t help but feel scared and worried. I can’t pin point exactly what it is that is bothering me. I feel so overwhelmed. So useless. I’ve been even thinking of leaving him, but why ? I love him. He makes me happy. I feel like something is wrong. As if something is being hid from me.
I think being apart from him isn’t helping, unable to see him the last week due to the lack of a car. Knowing he will be in Greece for 10 days and when he comes home I will be in UK for 2 weeks.
We see eeach other daily, to not see him for such long time, it is starting to make me question my feelings and even his. Maybe he will realise he don’t miss me so much as he thought, maybe I won’t miss him as much as I thought.
I am overthinking. over analysing. I have so much running through my mind it isn’t even making any sense to me. A whole load of confusion.
Work is really dragging me down. These people are really dragging me down. It’s like a battlefield that I am stuck in the middle off.
How can people play games with other people. My emotions are all over the place. I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to even believe.
Yesterday we spoke my boss and I about the huge stupid mistake that I made. Her first reaction was to fire me. Can you believe it?!?! To fire me because of talking behind her back, in my eyes that is not a good enough excuse, especially when everyone else is doing exactly the same and actually worse.
I am angry at myself but I am more angry at my ‘friend’ her first reaction when I told her that my boss wanted to talk was ‘don’t tell her the message was meant for me‘ what!? You want me to go down alone, no, I will not lie for you. As it worked out she already figured it out herself, I was not going to sit there and defend another especially when the other don’t give a flying fuck about me.
Yes I take all the blame, of course, it was my fault. It don’t make it any easier. It don’t make me feel any less pissed off. I am furious at myself. I am furious that I allowed these bitches to control my thinking, to control me. I feel so hopeless, my job is hanging on a thin thread and I hate that more than anything. I hate being misjudged and branded as a nasty person, stupid yes I am, but nasty I will not accept.
Why am I with a guy that doesn’t even want to see me.
‘Not today hunny’
But why ?
He is avoiding me .. again.
With him he don’t know how to deal with situations. He gets stressed and he runs and hides. He done it for the first time to me about 3 weeks ago. He avoided me and I had no idea why, I had no idea what I done wrong. I have been with some really bad guys before, but this action really hurt. It hurt because I never expected it. It was a real surprise.
When we eventually spoke he explained that this is how he deals with his stress and his problems. Okay. If that is how you cope with life, go ahead. All he had to do was tell me.
Lets go back to Thursday night. He was so rude to me. I had enough so I walked away. But I came back. I was so angry at him but I needed answers.
‘I am an arsehole’
Imagine. That is all he had to say. He had no other reason for it but that. He is an arsehole because he is stressed. Okay. Then when did I become the punching bag ?! We had this disscusion and we concluded that I am not a punching bag.. but here we are. Square one. Back to where it all started.
Now ? I dont know, he is avoiding me. All week there is an outdoor cinema.. he don’t even want to see the films together. He would rather go with his roomates. So how should I feel now ? Good ? Happy? Understanding ?
I just want a guy to be straight with me.. we are spending too much time together ? Tell me ! You want space ? Tell me ! You just want to be with the guys ? Tell me ! All I ask for is the truth. For how you feel. For what you want. I am not into assuming and mind reading.
Im fed up of being second or last for everyone, especially a guy, especially my ‘boyfriend’