Am I crazy 

It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.

Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time.  Still.. 

My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself. 

I need it to stop. 

I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone.  I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse. 

Different ways

I’ve come to the point where I  am desperate for help.  

I’m in love with a guy that I believe will never return the feelings. 

He is a 27 year old, care free, live in the moment guy. He takes everything as a joke. I never know when he is serious, if ever.  

The worse of it all is that I believe he don’t ever want to commit and settle down and that worries me. 

He don’t want to meet my parents.  To me that seems like he isn’t on planning on sticking around. He reminds me on how he is a ‘free spirit’ how he never will marry or have children. However he has said before that he would like children . Is he just playing. 

Am I wasting my time with a guy that don’t want and never will want the same future as me? 

Anxious 

Tight chest… deep breathing.  Sweating… confusion.  Watery eyes … my anxiety is playing up. 

I should be happy, happy that my boyfriend will stay here but I can’t help but feel scared and worried. I can’t pin point exactly what it is that is bothering me. I feel so overwhelmed. So useless. I’ve been even thinking of leaving him, but why ? I love him. He makes me happy. I feel like something is wrong.  As if something is being hid from me. 

I think being apart from him isn’t helping, unable to see him the last week due to the lack of a car. Knowing he will be in Greece for 10 days and when he comes home I will be in UK for 2 weeks. 

We see eeach other daily, to not see him for such long time, it is starting to make me question my feelings and even his. Maybe he will realise he don’t miss me so much as he thought, maybe I won’t miss him as much as I thought. 

I am overthinking. over analysing.  I have so much running through my mind it isn’t even making any sense to me. A whole load of confusion. 

Battlefield 

Work is really dragging me down. These people are really dragging me down. It’s like a battlefield that I am stuck in the middle off. 

How can people play games with other people. My emotions are all over the place.  I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to even believe. 

Yesterday we spoke my boss and I about the huge stupid mistake that I made. Her first reaction was to fire me. Can you believe it?!?! To fire me because of talking behind her back, in my eyes that is not a good enough excuse, especially when everyone else is doing exactly the same and actually worse. 

I am angry at myself but I am more angry at my ‘friend’ her first reaction when I told her that my boss wanted to talk was ‘don’t tell her the message was meant for me‘  what!? You want me to go down alone, no, I will not lie for you. As it worked out she already figured it out herself, I was not going to sit there and defend another especially when the other don’t give a flying fuck about me. 

Yes I take all the blame, of course, it was my fault. It don’t make it any easier. It don’t make me feel any less pissed off. I am furious at myself. I am furious that I allowed these bitches to control my thinking, to control me. I feel so hopeless, my job is hanging on a thin thread and I hate that more than anything. I hate being misjudged and branded as a nasty person, stupid yes I am, but nasty I will not accept. 

Here we go again

Why am I with a guy that doesn’t even want to see me. 

‘Not today hunny’ 

But why ? 

He is avoiding me .. again. 

With him he don’t know how to deal with situations. He gets stressed and he runs and hides. He done it for the first time to me about 3 weeks ago. He avoided me and I had no idea why, I had no idea what I done wrong. I have been with some really bad guys before, but this action really hurt. It hurt because I never expected it. It was a real surprise. 

When we eventually spoke he explained that this is how he deals with his stress and his problems. Okay. If that is how you cope with life, go ahead. All he had to do was tell me. 

Lets go back to Thursday night. He was so rude to me. I had enough so I walked away. But I came back. I was so angry at him but I needed answers. 

‘I am an arsehole’ 

Imagine. That is all he had to say. He had no other reason for it but that. He is an arsehole because he is stressed. Okay. Then when did I become the punching bag ?! We had this disscusion and we concluded that I am not a punching bag.. but here we are. Square one. Back to where it all started.  

Now ? I dont know, he is avoiding me. All week there is an outdoor cinema.. he don’t even want to see the films together. He would rather go with his roomates. So how should I feel now ? Good ? Happy? Understanding ? 

I just want a guy to be straight with me.. we are spending too much time together ? Tell me ! You want space ? Tell me ! You just want to be with the guys ? Tell me ! All I ask for is the truth. For how you feel. For what you want. I am not into assuming and mind reading. 

Im fed up of being second or last for everyone, especially a guy, especially my ‘boyfriend’ 

Dealing differently 

I’m really not sure how I feel.  Confused I think.

My boyfriend told me last night why he has been ignoring me. His going through a lot at the moment, I know this. I know his stressed about a lot of things in his life.  So he tells me, when he has a problem or his upset, he dissappears. He stops talking to everyone and rums away from his problems. I get it, I get he wants to he alone but what I don’t get is he isn’t alone. He still is going out and meeting peoplet,  new people. So how is that being alone. I don’t think I’m going to ever understand. However I can accept it, I accept his way of dealing with things because I know I would probably do the same, and I would want his to accept me also. 

I’m just hoping it will get better with time. 

Relationship

I am so determined to make my relationships work that maybe I’m missing something along the way.

It’s only the beginning with him but I’ve fallen hard, again. I like him,  I like his attitude, his look, the way his mind works. I like a lot about him. The problem is I like him more than he like’s me.  

I guess its true what they say ‘actions speak louder than words’ these past few days his been off with me. One day we were fine, the next he was treating me like I was a nobody.  

It’s been 5 days since we have actually spoke. Friday night we had an argument, not a big one, more of a disagreement, he was rude so I left. I cried. Got it all out my system then rang him. How stupid of me, he was wrong and I chased him. 

He apologised  over the phone but what does it mean really.  The next day he ignored me. I rang him and rang him and nothing. No response.  He was posting on Facebook and ignoring me, knowing I knew he was.  5 hours later he rang me, so when I ask he tells me “you’re asking too many questions”. Now, if wasn’t suspicious before I am now. 

Once again he gave me an apology. Over text. Once again it’s not enough.  How can you ignore someone you supposefly care about.

“I like you more than you can understand”

“I want to be with you” 

“You deserve to be treated better” 

When ? By who? I don’t see any of this from him. Last night he rang me, after not talking to me since Saturday. He tells me a story.  “I was out and I was drunk and this girl was dancing on me and inviting me back to her place, but I didn’t go, I wasn’t interested because all I was thinking about is you” 

That’s great ! So why you are not showing me that ? Why you not treating me as if you don’t want to lose me, why do you speak so much but show me nothing. His words and his actions they do not match.so what should I think ? What should I feel? 

I haven’t slept. I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve held back my anger and pain. Cos he don’t deserve to get to me that way. He don’t deserve my heart if he don’t know how to take care of it.