Falling apart 

It is amazing how just hearing your voice makes my heart stop beating. Seeing your face makes it start breaking. 

You can not imagine how much I hold back my tears while we talk. The moment we hang up that phone, I break down. 

Completely break down. 

The ache in my chest multiplies and all them tears I held back just gush out. The worst part is I can’t make it stop. Nothing I do makes it stop. I am mean to you,  not because I want to be but because I have to be. I don’t want to love you anymore, to see the light shine from you as if you were Gods gift. I don’t want to look at you in that way. I want to hate you for leaving me like this but yet I don’t. I don’t want to hate you, I want to remember all the times we spent together and be happy, and when I do it all comes back to you leaving, the pain I feel is ten times more than the happiness I felt when we were together. 

I see him trying to make me laugh and be happy but It don’t work, I wonder if he sees that. I wonder if he realises I am not okay. That I am struggling each and every day to get myself out of my bed and be constructive. I wonder if he misses me the way I do, thing is everything here reminds me of you. 

I’m lost and I’m alone. I’m giving up on everything and everyone. I don’t like who I’m becoming. I’ve become to weak to even change it. 

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‘Fuck buddy’

Right … for me this is totally out of my comfort zone. I have made a decision to have a fuck buddy. Kind of. 

I met a guy from tinder who only wants sex. No relationship. I respect his honesty. We got on so well. Our personalities just clicked. I felt so comfortable around him. He was so sweet and caring, even while we were kissing he was concerned if he was leaning too much on me or doing something I didn’t want. He was very respectful and honestly I have never felt that way before. 

We didn’t have sex the first night. I didn’t want too. He respected that. I have met other guys that get mad if you don’t have sex with them. As if you are wasting their time and I don’t like this attitude. This guy … he cared about how i felt. If I felt safe and comfortable with him before we stopped somewhere dark in his car. 

Really I can’t believe how considerate he was of my feelings. I haven’t even had boyfriends that considerate. 

We agreed on the sex only thing however I’ve never done this before. For a guy that only wanted sex he seemed to be really ‘loving’ he was trying to hold my hand, play with my hair, kissing me gently goodbye. Everything about him was respectful. 

I’m just not so sure if I am going to end up getting too attached to him. I don’t want to feel anything for anyone. I just want to have fun to not think of anything else. 

But.. why?

I must ask myself at least 10 times a day… ‘but.. why?’

Why do I feel sad?

Why do I feel pain?

Why do I hate myself so much?

Why am I so scared?

Why am I so emotionally insecure?

When I feel a certain why I ask myself … ‘but..why?’ cos I have no true reason, I have no true pain, or do I?

I know I have been through shit in my life and it hasn’t been easy, but people have been through worse, miles worse. Yet I still feel sorry for myself. You wouldn’t think it, I am good, actually I am a master of hiding my pain, my fear, basically my feelings. In a way its good, on the other hand I closed myself up so much that I am also a master of hiding love, compassion and care.

You see when you become good at something you become good in all aspects. Even in the way you don’t want it to be.

 

Angry

I am so angry.

I am a very understanding person. I trust easily, I give so many chances and yet I feel that people just continue to take advantage.

So , the story begins.

Lets go back about a month ago, a new girl started working with my boyfriend and he befriended her. They would go for walks, or the beach, after work to chill out. Somewhere along the way someone obviously saw them together, put two and two together and made three.

The girl got fired and is now working in the same hotel as I am. One other colleague asked him about this girl and how she is, she made a reference about them being more than just friends! Now my boyfriend was telling me this over the phone. I was so mad with him, I was mad with him because he made people believe that he would do such a thing to me, he made people believe that I am a fool. I understand the world is full of gossip, however I will not accept being made a fool of, by anyone, no matter how big or small.

I started to wonder if he done anything to make people actually say this thing. How dare they, how dare he. When I tried to explain to him why I was mad, he dismissed me, to say that these people are insignificant, and yes, they are, but it makes no difference to how i feel about the situation.

I shouldn’t be mad at him I know this, but I can’t help but believe it is his fault.

What do you guys think? Am I over-reacting?

 

Am I crazy 

It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.

Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time.  Still.. 

My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself. 

I need it to stop. 

I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone.  I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse. 

Different ways

I’ve come to the point where I  am desperate for help.  

I’m in love with a guy that I believe will never return the feelings. 

He is a 27 year old, care free, live in the moment guy. He takes everything as a joke. I never know when he is serious, if ever.  

The worse of it all is that I believe he don’t ever want to commit and settle down and that worries me. 

He don’t want to meet my parents.  To me that seems like he isn’t on planning on sticking around. He reminds me on how he is a ‘free spirit’ how he never will marry or have children. However he has said before that he would like children . Is he just playing. 

Am I wasting my time with a guy that don’t want and never will want the same future as me? 

Anxious 

Tight chest… deep breathing.  Sweating… confusion.  Watery eyes … my anxiety is playing up. 

I should be happy, happy that my boyfriend will stay here but I can’t help but feel scared and worried. I can’t pin point exactly what it is that is bothering me. I feel so overwhelmed. So useless. I’ve been even thinking of leaving him, but why ? I love him. He makes me happy. I feel like something is wrong.  As if something is being hid from me. 

I think being apart from him isn’t helping, unable to see him the last week due to the lack of a car. Knowing he will be in Greece for 10 days and when he comes home I will be in UK for 2 weeks. 

We see eeach other daily, to not see him for such long time, it is starting to make me question my feelings and even his. Maybe he will realise he don’t miss me so much as he thought, maybe I won’t miss him as much as I thought. 

I am overthinking. over analysing.  I have so much running through my mind it isn’t even making any sense to me. A whole load of confusion.