I need help.
I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.
I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.
I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.
I give up. I give up.
Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.
My safe place.
Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.
I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.
I really thought I had everything until control.
The truth is.
I am a mess and I keep going to the wrong guys, I am looking for comfort and answers within them. I am the answer. Not them.
Last night I met with Mr.Fireman. I had fun with him and he is a really nice guy but I have feelings for another guy, my ‘fuck buddy’ a guy that I can’t have, a guy that isn’t right for me. While all this is going on I am missing my ex like crazy. I am so tired of starting new with all these guys and going nowhere. Something is missing from them all. Maybe something is missing from me. I am not ready but I need someone. I want someone.
I have the perfect image in my head and everyday it seems to get further and further away from ever coming true. I keep settling for ok. I keep giving chances when I should just walk away. I keep repeating the same pattern and expecting something different to be the outcome. Stupid. Totally stupid.
I want to run away. I want to switch my phone off. Go to the top of the mountain and watch the view. Alone. I want to be totally alone. Where no one can reach me. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to even pretend anymore. I don’t want to explain why.
I just want peace inside my head. While I am here I am not finding any. While I continue to do what I am doing, I never will find any.
What is wrong with me !?
I want what I can not have. I have been meeting this guy for 2 months, just for sex but I like him ! I really like him ! When I decide to stop meeting him, I see his bloody beautiful eyes and he melts me. Last night we met for the last time. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I wanted to talk. To explain why I couldn’t continue meeting him. I want more and he can not give me more. He has been very honest from the start. He just wants sex.
I have been a fool. No, he has been too nice. We had the best sex ever last night. He put so much effort into it. It was perfect. He showed me what I would be ‘missing’ he showed me he didn’t want to ‘lose’ me. He fucked with my head.
We went for a drive and half way he stopped the car, and pulled off a flower from the street and gave it to me. Now what the fuck !? I’ve told this guy I like him, I have told him I can not meet anymore because I want to find someone who wants a relationship with me and he is acting like this ! Making me want and like him more ! Last night he destroyed me.
When we said goodnight he hoped to see me again. He told me to think that he is not a nice guy so that I do not like him. Imagine .. After being so fucking sweet and giving me a flower he tells me to think of him as a bad guy. Okay. Great. Perfect.
If I don’t see him I can control it. But when I see his face I melt and he has all control.
Why am I being played with ? Well for a start I’m allowing him. I need to stop finding these types of guys.
I’m really scared of you. Honestly. You seem like such a nice guy and that’s what worries me. I’m scared to open up to you and I dont want to brand you together with the others but I can’t help it. I’ve been with guys that I knew who they were and they still betrayed me, even after all the ‘I love yous’. So now you’re stranger. I don’t know you. I know nothing about you. And that makes me even more scared.
The problem is we have an argrement right? Only sex. No relationship. The problem is I am starting to like you more than I should. I don’t even know how to tell you. I’m so scared that I will ruin what we have. At the moment I am okay with what we have but I know over time I will want more from you. Maybe it is best to stop this now, before it gets too complaicated.
Why does everything have to be so so complicated. What happened to boy meets girl. Happy ever after. Can we just go back to the days there was happy ever after. Please?
Yes. 2 days into the new year and already I am fucking up. Can you believe it. I guess I’m not surprised myself.
I went back to my ex. No no, not the one that left me stranded all alone and broke my heart. The other one, the one that argued with me every single moment we were together. The one that loved me and hated me all at the same time. The one I broke.
I believe I have done some growing and that I am very mature for my age. When it comes to guys. I’m fucked. I’m a sucker for love, hell I’m a sucker for someone to just love me.
You know you hear a lot that girls are desperate for attention and love because they didn’t receive it as a child. For my case and I know for many others that’s not true. I had a good childhood. My parents gave me love and attention and still do. I’m not craving something I was deprived of.
I just hate being alone. I dont have any girlfriends to hang out with. So I look for comfort in a guy, right now any guy will do. However I want more, I want love and care. To be someones priority. It’s not looking good so far. Not even close to it. Instead I’m creating another messy track.
I am so bitter towards you and I can’t help it. I really really want to be okay but im not. I want to laugh and smile with you but I can’t. I am mad, so mad and alone because of you. It’s not about the reasons anymore. It all comes down to one factor. I was never going to be a part of your life. Deep down you knew it and maybe I did to. You left me behind and I’m not saying it was easy for you but you still walked away. For that I can never forgot, or even forgive. Yes you can made me cry many times, made me feel I wasn’t good enough. However this, this was the worst of it all.
I’m sitting here alone every day and night wondering what will happen when you come back. In 4 months you will he here, you will stay here for 6 months and I wonder will we meet ? Will we be friends ? Will we be more ? But how can we be more, how can we when in just a few short months you will go ahead and leave me again.
I don’t think I can ever go back to him. All I can think about is who he is with now. If he has another girl, or who he is having sex with and it burns my brain. I know its not my business, we are not together but i feel like he is still mine. I don’t ever want to get attached to anyone ever again in my life. I don’t want to feel this way ever again in my life.
Don’t ask how I am.
I’m not okay and I don’t want to have to lie to you.