Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Here we go again

Why am I with a guy that doesn’t even want to see me. 

‘Not today hunny’ 

But why ? 

He is avoiding me .. again. 

With him he don’t know how to deal with situations. He gets stressed and he runs and hides. He done it for the first time to me about 3 weeks ago. He avoided me and I had no idea why, I had no idea what I done wrong. I have been with some really bad guys before, but this action really hurt. It hurt because I never expected it. It was a real surprise. 

When we eventually spoke he explained that this is how he deals with his stress and his problems. Okay. If that is how you cope with life, go ahead. All he had to do was tell me. 

Lets go back to Thursday night. He was so rude to me. I had enough so I walked away. But I came back. I was so angry at him but I needed answers. 

‘I am an arsehole’ 

Imagine. That is all he had to say. He had no other reason for it but that. He is an arsehole because he is stressed. Okay. Then when did I become the punching bag ?! We had this disscusion and we concluded that I am not a punching bag.. but here we are. Square one. Back to where it all started.  

Now ? I dont know, he is avoiding me. All week there is an outdoor cinema.. he don’t even want to see the films together. He would rather go with his roomates. So how should I feel now ? Good ? Happy? Understanding ? 

I just want a guy to be straight with me.. we are spending too much time together ? Tell me ! You want space ? Tell me ! You just want to be with the guys ? Tell me ! All I ask for is the truth. For how you feel. For what you want. I am not into assuming and mind reading. 

Im fed up of being second or last for everyone, especially a guy, especially my ‘boyfriend’