I am powerful.
I am strong.
Today I realised my self worth. I can’t tell you exactly what it was that made me realise, but its like it hit me, it hit from out of nowhere.
I dated a guy for 18months and not once did he tell me he loved me, I dated him right up until the moment he walked away. Forget the reasons why, they are not important. You got up and you walked and you left me to pick up all the pieces. We were not a team, from day one we were not a team.
For 2 months I have had a fuck buddy. I am a booty call, a quick fuck. At first it’s, what ? Exciting I guess, different, something I have never done before or even consider, up until now. Up unitil I completely gave up, not only on men but also on me. As if I wasn’t worth anything more than just sex.
No. I have had enough .I am worth more. I have a lot to offer, hell I don’t care. I know I have a lot to offer, I am the best fucking thing you called have. Yes I have my flaws, we are humans, we make mistakes, we fix them, we move on to making more mistakes. I am not perfect, neither are you. No person on this earth is perfect. But I am worth more than what I am getting. No, it is not their fault. It is mine. I have allowed my self to think all these years that I am not worthy, today I realised I am.
I will stand tall, I will be nothing less than myself and I will show every single one of you what I am worth. I will no longer me treated like a doormat, I will no longer expect second best, I will not accept to be a dirty sex secret.
I am worthy.
I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break even more.
You proved me otherwise tonight. I made a decision yesterday that enough was enough, I told him that I can no longer be his friend, that I am struggling. Today I apologised and wished him well. Truth is I can’t let you go, it’s not the simple.
We FaceTimed and spoke, he isn’t good also, he is stressed, he is destroying himself slowly. I felt awful, I felt awful cos I gave him such a hard time and he don’t need that. He don’t need me to be giving him extra stress. So now I made a decision. I will leave him alone. I will not shout or argue. I will allow him to have his way. I will, as always,sacrifice myself, for him. I will move on while I still hold onto his hand. Maybe what I am saying is crazy but I know I can’t do anything else. We will never be together, I understood that tonight after he told me he will never come back. He made it clear.
So.. if you want to be friends. Fine. Let’s be friends. Believe me I can be the bestest friend you ever had.
It is amazing how just hearing your voice makes my heart stop beating. Seeing your face makes it start breaking.
You can not imagine how much I hold back my tears while we talk. The moment we hang up that phone, I break down.
Completely break down.
The ache in my chest multiplies and all them tears I held back just gush out. The worst part is I can’t make it stop. Nothing I do makes it stop. I am mean to you, not because I want to be but because I have to be. I don’t want to love you anymore, to see the light shine from you as if you were Gods gift. I don’t want to look at you in that way. I want to hate you for leaving me like this but yet I don’t. I don’t want to hate you, I want to remember all the times we spent together and be happy, and when I do it all comes back to you leaving, the pain I feel is ten times more than the happiness I felt when we were together.
I see him trying to make me laugh and be happy but It don’t work, I wonder if he sees that. I wonder if he realises I am not okay. That I am struggling each and every day to get myself out of my bed and be constructive. I wonder if he misses me the way I do, thing is everything here reminds me of you.
I’m lost and I’m alone. I’m giving up on everything and everyone. I don’t like who I’m becoming. I’ve become to weak to even change it.
Its all making sense to me now. Someone is screaming at me DON’T DO IT
The universe’s is giving me signs. Telling me you’re not ready. That it’s not the right time.
Now I could ignore them signs like I always do.. or I could embrace them. Follow them until I get another one.
You see I went on a date the other day which proved I wasn’t ready however i still went ahead and planned another. This guy however bailed on me. He cancelled on me. There we go, the sign to just stop. To not even bother.
Well maybe that’s how I want to read it but still. I’m done. I’m done with trying. I’m done with pretending. I’m just done.
Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP.
Enough. I can’t feel like this anymore. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying ! Enough is enough. I have a emptiness in my chest. An ache. A real physical breaking. Enough.
I want to be happy. Not miserable. I don’t want to think about you, in any way. I just want peace. How do I make it all Stop!?!
I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball.
My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is.
I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this.
Why am I with a guy that doesn’t even want to see me.
‘Not today hunny’
But why ?
He is avoiding me .. again.
With him he don’t know how to deal with situations. He gets stressed and he runs and hides. He done it for the first time to me about 3 weeks ago. He avoided me and I had no idea why, I had no idea what I done wrong. I have been with some really bad guys before, but this action really hurt. It hurt because I never expected it. It was a real surprise.
When we eventually spoke he explained that this is how he deals with his stress and his problems. Okay. If that is how you cope with life, go ahead. All he had to do was tell me.
Lets go back to Thursday night. He was so rude to me. I had enough so I walked away. But I came back. I was so angry at him but I needed answers.
‘I am an arsehole’
Imagine. That is all he had to say. He had no other reason for it but that. He is an arsehole because he is stressed. Okay. Then when did I become the punching bag ?! We had this disscusion and we concluded that I am not a punching bag.. but here we are. Square one. Back to where it all started.
Now ? I dont know, he is avoiding me. All week there is an outdoor cinema.. he don’t even want to see the films together. He would rather go with his roomates. So how should I feel now ? Good ? Happy? Understanding ?
I just want a guy to be straight with me.. we are spending too much time together ? Tell me ! You want space ? Tell me ! You just want to be with the guys ? Tell me ! All I ask for is the truth. For how you feel. For what you want. I am not into assuming and mind reading.
Im fed up of being second or last for everyone, especially a guy, especially my ‘boyfriend’