You know what I love..
The sound of your voice,
The shine in your eyes,
That look you give me when you know I am being totally stupid,
When you tease me,
The giggle you make when you know you are wrong,
The way you kiss,
The way you hold me,
The way you look at me,
When you raise your eyebrow,
It’s funny how all the things I love about you, is also the reason why I hate you.
Can I change my identity.
Be the new girl everyone wants to know.
Be more confident and wild. More daring and sexy. More funny and sweet. Be more everything that I am not.
Is that bad, how much I want to change who I am, even though I have been told by too many people that I am special, people who loved me and still do, family, friends, boyfriends, just boy friends, guys I have dated, guys I have fucked, guys I don’t even know. Strangers that I have only met once, employers, colleagues, you get the point.
So ? Why do I still see myself to be nothing special, not beautiful nor smart, not kind nor funny, just another person without meaning.
Then some days I look around and I judge, like all humans do. I don’t say its correct.
I look around and I wonder what is so special about him or her to have that job, or to be that rich, or to have that partner, why can’t I have those things. Why can’t I be the one that people judge and wonder.
Life is getting me down and I don’t even know how to fix it, where to even begin.
I used to write a lot.
I used to read.
I used to sing.
I used to draw.
Now? Now I am a body without a soul. Without any meaning.
Disconnected from everything and everyone.
Surrounded by people but still alone.
Loved by many but still alone.
Something is missing.
I need help.
I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.
I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.
I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.
I give up. I give up.
Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.
My safe place.
Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.
I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.
As I look around I see so many beautiful people, good people and they are single. And not only are they single but they are in there 30s and I wonder are they happy this way.
I always thought I would find ‘the one’ at a young age and we would stay together. I didn’t think I had to worry about time running out. Nowadays we are all too scared to commit. We want to live the single lifestyle. It comes to a point where that expires.
For me I want children. I want a husband, a home. I want to be sure I’m with the right person, okay I guess you can never be 100% sure, but still. I want to know the guy for a while. In a few weeks I’m 23. I’m single. I have no potential partners anywhere. The guys I do meet don’t want relationships, they just want fun. Even the older ones.
I know I’m young but that don’t stop me wanting more. I’ve always wanted relationships. Not just flings. I’m a committed to you kind of girl. So what I’m doing now with this ‘fuck buddy’ it isn’t me. It don’t suit me. I’ve got so lonely that I’m just going with it now, it’s going to take some time but eventually I think I will snap, I will get fed up of feeling used and it’s not his fault. It’s mine. I agreed to this, he isn’t forcing me.
I just wish the time would slow down.
Its all making sense to me now. Someone is screaming at me DON’T DO IT
The universe’s is giving me signs. Telling me you’re not ready. That it’s not the right time.
Now I could ignore them signs like I always do.. or I could embrace them. Follow them until I get another one.
You see I went on a date the other day which proved I wasn’t ready however i still went ahead and planned another. This guy however bailed on me. He cancelled on me. There we go, the sign to just stop. To not even bother.
Well maybe that’s how I want to read it but still. I’m done. I’m done with trying. I’m done with pretending. I’m just done.
I feel like all I do lately is complain.
I feel that the whole world is on my shoulders, but how dare I.
I have everything, I have a home, a family, a life, yet I am not happy. My stomach is full, I am safe, I am warm, but here I am wanting MORE.
I can’t help but think I am not worthy of more, I am not worth my value. Something is bothering me but i can not pin point exactly what it is.
The problem is, I am alone. Totally alone. Yes I have my family and my boyfriend. Apart from this, i have nothing else. No one else. I was out one night with some work colleagues and I didn’t fit. I wasn’t the girl I was, or maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I want to have fun but I feel stuck, I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest throughout every day.