Its all making sense to me now. Someone is screaming at me DON’T DO IT
The universe’s is giving me signs. Telling me you’re not ready. That it’s not the right time.
Now I could ignore them signs like I always do.. or I could embrace them. Follow them until I get another one.
You see I went on a date the other day which proved I wasn’t ready however i still went ahead and planned another. This guy however bailed on me. He cancelled on me. There we go, the sign to just stop. To not even bother.
Well maybe that’s how I want to read it but still. I’m done. I’m done with trying. I’m done with pretending. I’m just done.
I feel like all I do lately is complain.
I feel that the whole world is on my shoulders, but how dare I.
I have everything, I have a home, a family, a life, yet I am not happy. My stomach is full, I am safe, I am warm, but here I am wanting MORE.
I can’t help but think I am not worthy of more, I am not worth my value. Something is bothering me but i can not pin point exactly what it is.
The problem is, I am alone. Totally alone. Yes I have my family and my boyfriend. Apart from this, i have nothing else. No one else. I was out one night with some work colleagues and I didn’t fit. I wasn’t the girl I was, or maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I want to have fun but I feel stuck, I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest throughout every day.
I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball.
My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is.
I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this.
Work is really dragging me down. These people are really dragging me down. It’s like a battlefield that I am stuck in the middle off.
How can people play games with other people. My emotions are all over the place. I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to even believe.
Yesterday we spoke my boss and I about the huge stupid mistake that I made. Her first reaction was to fire me. Can you believe it?!?! To fire me because of talking behind her back, in my eyes that is not a good enough excuse, especially when everyone else is doing exactly the same and actually worse.
I am angry at myself but I am more angry at my ‘friend’ her first reaction when I told her that my boss wanted to talk was ‘don’t tell her the message was meant for me‘ what!? You want me to go down alone, no, I will not lie for you. As it worked out she already figured it out herself, I was not going to sit there and defend another especially when the other don’t give a flying fuck about me.
Yes I take all the blame, of course, it was my fault. It don’t make it any easier. It don’t make me feel any less pissed off. I am furious at myself. I am furious that I allowed these bitches to control my thinking, to control me. I feel so hopeless, my job is hanging on a thin thread and I hate that more than anything. I hate being misjudged and branded as a nasty person, stupid yes I am, but nasty I will not accept.
Working with females is hard. I am a 21 year old female, working with 3 females and 1 male. Now they are mature women, but they act like children.
The worst has to be the ‘manager’ she is clueless. In which world should a manager be bitching about the staff. In which world should a manager do absolutley nothing. She sits around talking all day. She is rude to clients as well as us. She has no people skills. She has no management skills.
I am surrounded by negative people all day long. Bringing down my mood. I can not even escape. I hold my tongue everyday not to say anything. I feel myself ready to explode.
When I say I’m sorry, I mean it.
I’m the least sincere person you’ll ever meet. I try to be sincere and when I say I’m sorry, I truly mean it. I’m not saying it to shut you up.
Thing is, no one believes it. It comes across casual and insincere. I can’t show you how sorry I am because I don’t know how. I don’t know how to share any sort of emotion. It’s difficult to get people to believe you with a straight, stoney face. I guess that’s where people don’t understand me. They expect some sort of reaction which I never give. Cos well, I never have. I’ve always been the same. I don’t get too excited about anything, in a way I guess it’s good, it’s good to not expect too much.
However it’s difficult for people to see how you are feeling when you don’t show them. It’s like giving of mixed signals, it gets confusing.
I hate the way I am sometimes, how I wish sometimes I was an open book.
I get so angry. I get so angry with my family. From the age of 11 all I have ever done is carry everyone’s problems. Coming home to screams and shouts. My brother breaking things. Police at the door. Just mess. I just had to carry it, as if it didn’t bother me. As if I wasn’t affected. How can it not affect me when I’m dealing with it too. How can it not make me angry, make me sad. I’m resentful of a lot of things. I just want to run away. Leave them all behind. I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone. I’m done with them all.