Falling apart 

It is amazing how just hearing your voice makes my heart stop beating. Seeing your face makes it start breaking. 

You can not imagine how much I hold back my tears while we talk. The moment we hang up that phone, I break down. 

Completely break down. 

The ache in my chest multiplies and all them tears I held back just gush out. The worst part is I can’t make it stop. Nothing I do makes it stop. I am mean to you,  not because I want to be but because I have to be. I don’t want to love you anymore, to see the light shine from you as if you were Gods gift. I don’t want to look at you in that way. I want to hate you for leaving me like this but yet I don’t. I don’t want to hate you, I want to remember all the times we spent together and be happy, and when I do it all comes back to you leaving, the pain I feel is ten times more than the happiness I felt when we were together. 

I see him trying to make me laugh and be happy but It don’t work, I wonder if he sees that. I wonder if he realises I am not okay. That I am struggling each and every day to get myself out of my bed and be constructive. I wonder if he misses me the way I do, thing is everything here reminds me of you. 

I’m lost and I’m alone. I’m giving up on everything and everyone. I don’t like who I’m becoming. I’ve become to weak to even change it. 

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The signs are back 

Its all making sense to me now. Someone is screaming at me DON’T DO IT 

The universe’s is giving me signs. Telling me you’re not ready. That it’s not the right time. 

Now I could ignore them signs like I always do..  or I could embrace them. Follow them until I get another one. 

You see I went on a date the other day which proved I wasn’t ready however i still went ahead and planned another. This guy however bailed on me. He cancelled on me. There we go, the sign to just stop. To not even bother. 

Well maybe that’s how I want to read it but still. I’m done. I’m done with trying. I’m done with pretending. I’m just done. 

Don’t call me babe 

Don’t call me babe 

I’m not your babe. You decided that when you walked away from me. You made that decision to cut us off when you left. You want the best of both? You made it clear that we couldn’t make this work. So why are we pretending to be friends? When all we are is strangers. 

We are no longer a team. Not as one. We are on different paths and for a while I’m sure you was just stretching over from your path to make it seem like we were on the same. I was too blind to see It, to admit it. 

Now I’m alone. Thinking of you every second of the day. Crying every night and morning. Wondering, now what. Time does not always heal. Sometimes time does nothing. I know right now the days are getting harder. Isn’t it supposed to soften the blow. 

I’m keeping occupied but the moment my head hits my pillow, I lay awake thinking of you. Replaying so many memories. Seeing your face. Feeling your touch. Imaging too many different scenieros. 

How about You? How are you coping with This? I don’t need to answer cos I already know It, you’re fine. Just peachy. I’m sure I don’t pass your mind, if I do I’m sure it’s not so much. I’m sure your days and your nights are not filled with tears and pain. I’m not asking you to suffer, I’m just wondering if it was all real. Or just an act. 

Game over

I have my coffee, I have a computer that don’t lag, I am alone and ready to tell you whats new.

Well, I don’t think what I am about to say is going to be much of a surprise to anyone who has been reading and following, but it’s GAME OVER.

2nd player has logged off.

Well actually I would say I was the 2nd player, so lets say 1st player completely hit shut down. Not literally I guess.

He made a choice to leave, to go home to his country and I have to accept it. Will he have a better life there? No. He has NO life their. However he will come back, only for the season. So for 6 months he will be here and for the rest he will be home, home sweet fucking home.

I am mad. I can’t hid that, I am sad, for sure I am sad. I don’t know which feeling is stronger, the anger or the hurt, I guess they’re the same.

I fell again, as always I fall. No fault of my own. I start to imagine a wonderful life, a life that only happens in fairy tales. A life I guess I am not deserving of. But once again, I am alone, once again I will fall into the arms of the wrong guy, maybe more than one wrong guy and I will regret it, just the way I’ve regretted many other aspects of my life.

I truly believed I was done with searching for ‘the one’ I thought I was ready, ready to hold onto this one guy.

After 16 months of pure bliss, its done. I have no say in it. I can’t change his mind, I can’t do anything but to sit around and watch the world, my world, crash down around me, allowing the earth to chew me up and spit me out, that is if i’m lucky enough.

I have one month left with him here. He will leave November, but I’m letting go now. I decided to let go now. Last night I told him, I told him I don’t want to see him anymore cos I can’t bare it. I am so excited to meet with him everyday but when I’m with him I feel like I am drowning, all I see is him walking away from me and my mood changes, I can’t enjoy the moment, I can’t enjoy anything actually.

But…. being him. He refused. Funny that, how can you try to dump someone and they refuse it? I am not so sure either how. All I know is that some how he refused to accept what I was saying, he told me, yes told me that we will meet. It seemed more like an order actually, but not in a bad way. It was as if I saw something, his pain ? I’m not sure what exactly, but he cares, I see that, but I don’t need that if he isn’t going to be with me.

It’s not possible for our relationship to work, I believe, actually I know he won’t try to make it work.

So, now I am here, expressing everything before I totally explode. Maybe what I’ve wrote makes no sense at all, maybe I’m just rambling on but I need to tell someone my story, even If I am only writing to myself.

I have a decision to make right now, actually in the next 2 hours I need to have made it. Either I go to see him tonight and we talk, or I go home. Avoid him completely, his calls, texts, everything. I know what I want to do but I also know that my initial choice is the wrong one. Going to see him is going to make this a whole lot harder, it’s going to hurt to watch him pack away his things, walking away from me, getting on that plane while I sit awake every night crying, wondering, imaging him with everyone but me. Analyzing every moment we spent together, every touch, kiss, laugh, smile.

Avoiding him? Okay, It is not the best option either, but least I won’t have to say goodbye.

 

Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Here we go again

Why am I with a guy that doesn’t even want to see me. 

‘Not today hunny’ 

But why ? 

He is avoiding me .. again. 

With him he don’t know how to deal with situations. He gets stressed and he runs and hides. He done it for the first time to me about 3 weeks ago. He avoided me and I had no idea why, I had no idea what I done wrong. I have been with some really bad guys before, but this action really hurt. It hurt because I never expected it. It was a real surprise. 

When we eventually spoke he explained that this is how he deals with his stress and his problems. Okay. If that is how you cope with life, go ahead. All he had to do was tell me. 

Lets go back to Thursday night. He was so rude to me. I had enough so I walked away. But I came back. I was so angry at him but I needed answers. 

‘I am an arsehole’ 

Imagine. That is all he had to say. He had no other reason for it but that. He is an arsehole because he is stressed. Okay. Then when did I become the punching bag ?! We had this disscusion and we concluded that I am not a punching bag.. but here we are. Square one. Back to where it all started.  

Now ? I dont know, he is avoiding me. All week there is an outdoor cinema.. he don’t even want to see the films together. He would rather go with his roomates. So how should I feel now ? Good ? Happy? Understanding ? 

I just want a guy to be straight with me.. we are spending too much time together ? Tell me ! You want space ? Tell me ! You just want to be with the guys ? Tell me ! All I ask for is the truth. For how you feel. For what you want. I am not into assuming and mind reading. 

Im fed up of being second or last for everyone, especially a guy, especially my ‘boyfriend’ 

Over You

It’s great the day you realise you’re over that one guy you thought you never would get over.
The day he texts you and you think ‘what does he want’ rather than ‘omg he cares’.
That day came and my gosh it feels great.  I no he always got in the way of new relationships because I wanted him and I loved him. So how was I supposed to love someone new. I thought I would never get over him but I have.  Yes the memories are still there but it don’t hurt. It don’t hurt the way it used too. It feels good. It makes me so happy that I can talk to him without feeling any love or pain. I can even simply ignore him messages and not even care. I tryed so hard for him to love me and he couldn’t.  I was holding onto a dead cause.
I’m happy the day came I can move on and be in love with someone who will love me back and I’ve never been happier.