Your way

I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break even more. 

You proved me otherwise tonight. I made a decision yesterday that enough was enough, I told him that I can no longer be his friend, that I am struggling. Today I apologised and wished him well. Truth is I can’t let you go, it’s not the simple. 

We FaceTimed and spoke, he isn’t good also, he is stressed, he is destroying himself slowly. I felt awful, I felt awful cos I gave him such a hard time and he don’t need that. He don’t need me to be giving him extra stress. So now I made a decision. I will leave him alone. I will not shout or argue. I will allow him to have his way. I will, as always,sacrifice myself, for him. I will move on while I still hold onto his hand. Maybe what I am saying is crazy but I know I can’t do anything else. We will never be together, I understood that tonight after he told me he will never come back. He made it clear. 

So.. if you want to be friends. Fine. Let’s be friends. Believe me I can be the bestest friend you ever had. 

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Cruel

I have truly met some horrible nasty people in my life. However I have never felt this bad. I have never felt this small. This insignificant.

I feel like everyone is against me, like I have done wrong. They make me feel so stupid. They make me feel so bad about myself.

I’m a strong person, but they made me cry for 2 days. Anyone who knows me, knows how strong I am. How much I hate to cry. They knocked me down so bad, that I cried. I sobbed like a baby.

They made me feel so isolated. So alone. So angry.

How can people be so cruel. I have never come across such cruel, two faced evil people before in my life.

Two faced

Two faced people.

Everywhere. 

Everyone is your friend until something goes wrong. I’ve learnt over the years that it is very difficult to find someone who will always have your back.

I learnt it is best not to get too attached to people, friends, relationships, anyone at any point can dissapoint. It is part of life.

I’ve prepared myself for dissapointment. The worse part is when someone good comes along, but I treat them like all the rest, it’s safer to do that. However it is much lonelier.

Trapped

I feel trapped.  Trapped in this world.  Trapped in my job. Trapped in my relationship. 

I hate feeling out of control of my life. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want. Without questions. Without any problems.

Last night I went out with a colleague, a friend.  It was so refreshing to just have fun. Just us chilling out, I haven’t done that in a while. I’ve been feeling so stressed about everything that it’s been so nice to hang out with a friend. To have someone you can talk to and have fun with.

I don’t have that with my boyfriend. I don’t have that fun with him,  it’s just me and him arguing and if we are not arguing we are just at his house. I want to go out, see the world, explore, be exciting. It’s not exciting with him, it’s stressful. It’s tiring. I don’t want that and neither does he.

I want to be free.

Before it all went wrong (part 4)

I spent weeks crying., figuring out what went wrong. Thing is boys don’t care, well they’re good at pretending to care, just to comfort you and to get close to you. Looking back I see that now. They just wanted me.

There was only one guy I truly used. I used him as my rebound.  I was embarrassed to say he was my boyfriend.  I just wanted him there when I needed him. I thank him for everything he done for me. He was my rock. When I was falling apart he was always there to pick up them pieces. Every time I had a problem I would go to him to help.  To fix me all over again. He wasn’t fixing me, I just thought he was. He was just there to mask it all up.

I wish I didn’t treat him the way I did. I shouldn’t have used him. I knew he loved me and I kept throwing it in his face. I loved him as my friend. I loved him because he made me feel special.  That’s all I ever wanted was to feel special.

Night time thoughts

It’s as if I never existed. It’s like we never existed. It’s all such a blur , how one minute everything is great and the next you are crying on the floor. It’s hard to explain how it feels. Thing is we don’t even need to explain how it feels to know what I mean. We have all been there at some point in our lives and it never truly leaves you. It keeps you up at night and numb during the day. It’s like I’m not even here.