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Cruel

I have truly met some horrible nasty people in my life. However I have never felt this bad. I have never felt this small. This insignificant.

I feel like everyone is against me, like I have done wrong. They make me feel so stupid. They make me feel so bad about myself.

I’m a strong person, but they made me cry for 2 days. Anyone who knows me, knows how strong I am. How much I hate to cry. They knocked me down so bad, that I cried. I sobbed like a baby.

They made me feel so isolated. So alone. So angry.

How can people be so cruel. I have never come across such cruel, two faced evil people before in my life.

Two faced

Two faced people.

Everywhere. 

Everyone is your friend until something goes wrong. I’ve learnt over the years that it is very difficult to find someone who will always have your back.

I learnt it is best not to get too attached to people, friends, relationships, anyone at any point can dissapoint. It is part of life.

I’ve prepared myself for dissapointment. The worse part is when someone good comes along, but I treat them like all the rest, it’s safer to do that. However it is much lonelier.

Trapped

I feel trapped.  Trapped in this world.  Trapped in my job. Trapped in my relationship. 

I hate feeling out of control of my life. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want. Without questions. Without any problems.

Last night I went out with a colleague, a friend.  It was so refreshing to just have fun. Just us chilling out, I haven’t done that in a while. I’ve been feeling so stressed about everything that it’s been so nice to hang out with a friend. To have someone you can talk to and have fun with.

I don’t have that with my boyfriend. I don’t have that fun with him,  it’s just me and him arguing and if we are not arguing we are just at his house. I want to go out, see the world, explore, be exciting. It’s not exciting with him, it’s stressful. It’s tiring. I don’t want that and neither does he.

I want to be free.

Before it all went wrong (part 4)

I spent weeks crying., figuring out what went wrong. Thing is boys don’t care, well they’re good at pretending to care, just to comfort you and to get close to you. Looking back I see that now. They just wanted me.

There was only one guy I truly used. I used him as my rebound.  I was embarrassed to say he was my boyfriend.  I just wanted him there when I needed him. I thank him for everything he done for me. He was my rock. When I was falling apart he was always there to pick up them pieces. Every time I had a problem I would go to him to help.  To fix me all over again. He wasn’t fixing me, I just thought he was. He was just there to mask it all up.

I wish I didn’t treat him the way I did. I shouldn’t have used him. I knew he loved me and I kept throwing it in his face. I loved him as my friend. I loved him because he made me feel special.  That’s all I ever wanted was to feel special.

Night time thoughts

It’s as if I never existed. It’s like we never existed. It’s all such a blur , how one minute everything is great and the next you are crying on the floor. It’s hard to explain how it feels. Thing is we don’t even need to explain how it feels to know what I mean. We have all been there at some point in our lives and it never truly leaves you. It keeps you up at night and numb during the day. It’s like I’m not even here.

I am scared

I’m scared to open up. I’m scared to open up to family , to friends, to even strangers. I’m scared of being a dissapointment. I’m scared of being judged for my actions. I’m scared that I will be thought less off. Most of all I’m scared to admit it to myself.  To think about all the wrong doings I have done, or regretted.

There is so much going on in my head that I don’t even know how to make sense of it. Even though here I feel free to open up, I’m still holding back. Holding back all them dark secrets that I am hoping will just dissappear. If I don’t talk about it, it won’t exist. Right?

I’ve been there , I’ve tried opening up before and it gets thrown back in your face. All that trust and belief in people is ruined, kicked to the side as if it didn’t take all your effort to open up this way. People don’t understand the struggle , they think you are being stupid, attention seeking but the truth is, it’s hard to find good people.

The worse part is having to open up and be honest with a new partner.  I want someone to love me, flaws and all. But how can I allow someone to love my flaws when I don’t accept them myself. I don’t want to lie and keep secrets from my loved ones but sometimes I believe it’s the best thing to do for everyone. 

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