One year

So a few weeks ago was out first anniversy. Our first year together..  what a year it has been. We have had our ups and downs, fights and make ups. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bad cos then it wouldn’t have made out year. 

I’m not quite sure how we have managed to put up with one another for even this long. This is my longest relationship to date. And I hope we will continue to break that record.

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How do you know 

I’ve been in a  few relationships and none have really lasted that long. The guys I have dated have been all very different. In looks, personality, even the feelings. 

I believe we love in many different ways. The obsessive love, friendship love, sexual love, but I believe there is only one true pure love. That one love that consists of all the other loves which makes it so special, and strong. 

I can say I have been in all types of love. If I compare my feelings for each guy I had a relationship with, I see the difference in all of them. I also see that they didn’t really mean that much either. 

How do you really know when you found the one? I don’t think you ever do. I don’t think we know much at all about love. Our world is so scared to express ourselves that we end up damaging one another. 

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for 10monhs. That has been my longest relationship. Yet neither of us have dropped the ‘L’ word. I’m starting to wonder if the love even is there at all. I’m not even sure how love is supposed to feel. At one point in our relationship I felt I was on cloud 9 but lately that feeling hasn’t been there. Some days it reappears.

I love, love. Love conquers all. All I ever want in life is to be loved.  Truly loved. 

Friends 

I knew why I didn’t have friends. I knew why I didn’t do friends. Sometimes having no friends gets lonely.  I see people talk about their friends and how good they are with one another and I wonder why I never was able to find anyone as good as that. I long for a friendship a true real friendship. 

I only have the one friend, we have had our ups and downs and in a way we are opposite but I can trust her, as she can trust me. However we are miles apart, in complete different countries. So even though she is there for me, sometimes I need her to be right in front of me. 

As we get older it gets harder to find a good friend. You start to trust someone and then suddenly they show you what you don’t need in a ‘friend’ they betray you, use you, make you feel worthless. This isn’t a friend, this is a enemy. 

It’s a sad world we live in, where we are governed by age, sex, nationality, religion. It should not matter, we should stand in union no matter what. 

When I moved away 2 years ago, not one person kept in touch, I gave everything to everyone, I was there for them all but when I packed up and left, they couldn’t have cared less. Every single one of them. So now I don’t get close to people, there is no need, it saves you from pain and disappointment.  

Catching up

I have a lot of that to do. I run away from my problems. That’s what I do best. run. Every hurdle I come across I run away from it. I never thought I did. I thought I was good at dealing with my problems. Recently I realized I am not. I ran away from expressing myself. I ran away from friends. I ran away from life.

I remember when I was little and how care free I was. I was always the shy kid, the mute. Growing up was never easy, i guess it isn’t easy for anyone, but you always think the grass is greener. I know I did. I went to an all girls high school, so that was never easy, comparing yourself to the other girls, prettier girls, skinnier girls. It makes you start to feel inadequate. You would always be jealous of the girls that always got the boys. I’m blessed to say I wasn’t bullied. I never had any tolerance for people, I thought it was only a recent thing, but thinking back,  I was always like this, just not as bad. I had a big group of friends, yes, but I wasn’t tight with them. I never was allowed out on the weekends with them, and when I could I had no money, or I was working, helping the family. So my social life has always been a drag.

Over the years we parted, and I didn’t really care. I never made an effort with people, I just couldn’t be bothered to have to keep in contact with them. looking back now and seeing some of them still friends, it makes me wonder why I didn’t try. Deep down I guess they weren’t really for me.

When I started work, I made new friends… well I say friends but at the time they were. From the day we start school we are accustomed to this way of making friends. You have a class of 30 children you don’t have much choice on who your friends are going to be. Then you grow and now you have over 100 girls/guys in your year to make ‘friends’ with. Half of them won’t been in some of your classes and you wouldn’t even speak to them for the whole time you are at school. So yet again we are like mice. Trapped in a box to befriend another mouse that is also trapped. Then you move onto work and make more friends, you have no choice to hang out with these work colleagues, you are at work most the day so you don’t have time to meet many other people, so these people become your social life.. until you move on again.

I was never a big believer on friendship. People go and come into your life for a reason, maybe you needed them to push you into the right direction, or maybe to just see that not everyone is who they seem.