TinderĀ 

I’m back in the game. Literally. 

It’s been maybe 2 years since I’ve last used tinder. Oh how I have not missed it. In my opinion it’s just a bunch of horny desperate men. 

From what I have experienced anyways. Okay I’m not looking for relationship. I’m just looking for a distraction, not really looking for a fuck buddy either. You could say actually I am completely wasting their time. It’s just something to do. 

I will meet with anyone who wants to. I will not have sex with them. I will see how things go. I am not looking for a potential partner cos that don’t work. I am looking for an escape from reality. To meet with guys that don’t know me and be whoever I want to be in them moments we are together. They don’t need to know all my deepest darkest secrets. They don’t need to know me. To just have some fun with new people, you never know who I will meet. 

I know I’m not ready to find a new partner. How can I,when I’m still in love with him. It’s not practical. It don’t work like that. I need to get over him my own way, not with a rebound. 

So .. ready.. set.. GO 

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BattlefieldĀ 

Work is really dragging me down. These people are really dragging me down. It’s like a battlefield that I am stuck in the middle off. 

How can people play games with other people. My emotions are all over the place.  I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to even believe. 

Yesterday we spoke my boss and I about the huge stupid mistake that I made. Her first reaction was to fire me. Can you believe it?!?! To fire me because of talking behind her back, in my eyes that is not a good enough excuse, especially when everyone else is doing exactly the same and actually worse. 

I am angry at myself but I am more angry at my ‘friend’ her first reaction when I told her that my boss wanted to talk was ‘don’t tell her the message was meant for me‘  what!? You want me to go down alone, no, I will not lie for you. As it worked out she already figured it out herself, I was not going to sit there and defend another especially when the other don’t give a flying fuck about me. 

Yes I take all the blame, of course, it was my fault. It don’t make it any easier. It don’t make me feel any less pissed off. I am furious at myself. I am furious that I allowed these bitches to control my thinking, to control me. I feel so hopeless, my job is hanging on a thin thread and I hate that more than anything. I hate being misjudged and branded as a nasty person, stupid yes I am, but nasty I will not accept. 

Here we go again

Why am I with a guy that doesn’t even want to see me. 

‘Not today hunny’ 

But why ? 

He is avoiding me .. again. 

With him he don’t know how to deal with situations. He gets stressed and he runs and hides. He done it for the first time to me about 3 weeks ago. He avoided me and I had no idea why, I had no idea what I done wrong. I have been with some really bad guys before, but this action really hurt. It hurt because I never expected it. It was a real surprise. 

When we eventually spoke he explained that this is how he deals with his stress and his problems. Okay. If that is how you cope with life, go ahead. All he had to do was tell me. 

Lets go back to Thursday night. He was so rude to me. I had enough so I walked away. But I came back. I was so angry at him but I needed answers. 

‘I am an arsehole’ 

Imagine. That is all he had to say. He had no other reason for it but that. He is an arsehole because he is stressed. Okay. Then when did I become the punching bag ?! We had this disscusion and we concluded that I am not a punching bag.. but here we are. Square one. Back to where it all started.  

Now ? I dont know, he is avoiding me. All week there is an outdoor cinema.. he don’t even want to see the films together. He would rather go with his roomates. So how should I feel now ? Good ? Happy? Understanding ? 

I just want a guy to be straight with me.. we are spending too much time together ? Tell me ! You want space ? Tell me ! You just want to be with the guys ? Tell me ! All I ask for is the truth. For how you feel. For what you want. I am not into assuming and mind reading. 

Im fed up of being second or last for everyone, especially a guy, especially my ‘boyfriend’