Let’s get it on ..

We kissed ! Finally Mr fireman kissed me.

We went for a walk, we were flirting, laughing and then .. BAM we kissed.

I am very excited about him. He seems different. He seems like a nice guy. But.. yes there is a but, I am not sure. I am always not sure, with every guy I date I am not sure, I just give them a chance. You can’t know someone after 3 dates.

My other problem .. my fuck buddy. I have told him I want more than sex and he has been okay with it, however.. last night he messaged me , telling me he missed me, that he don’t want to loose me and how he wants to see my one last time. What does he want from me!? He wants everything but nothing. I am attracted to him so much but we want different things and I can’t continue like this.

I want to make it work with Mr. Fireman.. I want to see if it will work. I’m excited about him, about us.


Date 2

Update on Mr. Fireman !

So, we went on another date. I have so much fun with him, I don’t think I have ever laughed so much on a date. He is so much fun, and damn he is cute. I can see myself really falling for him, that scares me a little bit but not in a crazy way, which is good.

He is doing and saying all the right things. He showed me the stars and offered to cook me dinner. I’ve never really had a guy that has wanted to know my soul so deeply.

So date one he hardly touched me. Date two, he was touching me more, my hand, leg, pushing my hair away from my face.

At the end of the night, we hugged, he grabbed my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. Yes. My forehead. I was a little disappointed, well unexpected. Any ‘date’ I’ve ever been on, they always kiss on the first or at least second date.

I think that maybe he wants to take things slow, I have no problem with that. I just want to kiss him already !

I’m just hoping that he does like me, he is showing me he does but you never know. Maybe he is being a gentleman, I have no idea. If date 3 and still no kiss then I need answers.

Miss me 

I want you to miss me .. real bad. 

I want you to think about me at all times. I want you to wonder what I’m doing,how I am. I want you to talk about me and mention my name in every conversation. I want you to realise that you’ve lost me. I want you to feel like this was a mistake. I want you to come home,to me. I just want you back, us back to how we were. 

My letter to you

I wish I could tell you all this before you left but as you and I know I’m no good with talking. Instead I will write it down in this letter, least this way you will not forget what I have to say.

I hope you enjoy your holiday, you deserve it. You will slowly accomplish all your crazy dreams, one at a time.

I want you to know that even though I was so mad and sad with you leaving that I didn’t stop to think about You, deep down I knew how you felt but at the time I was blind with my own pain. I remember the night so clearly, we were sitting outside best buy on the step, I was wearing your ‘Blondie’ top and you was speaking, a lot. Maybe I wasn’t looking at you but I felt every single word. From that moment I no longer felt my pain, that night I only felt and saw your pain. After that day, for you I tried to act like everything was okay. I realized that night that sometimes no matter how much you love a person you have to let them go. I understood you wasn’t happy, I was just hoping that maybe over time it would change. All I ever want from you is to never stop smiling, never stop laughing, never stop being you.

I understood you wasn’t yourself here, and as much as it hurts to watch you walk away from me I wish for you the best, I never wanted to change your mind or to make you feel bad for your decisions, I just didn’t want to accept it, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, I never will be ready to say goodbye.

You was and will always be a part of me, you will always be in my heart and I will keep all our memories forever.

I fell in love with you even on your bad days. I wouldn’t change anything about our relationship, I just wish it didn’t have to end this way.  Maybe I never said it out loud but it doesn’t make it any less true, I am sure that you could see that everything  I did was for you. My actions spoke enough.

This isn’t goodbye, there is no goodbye between us.

Just, until next time..

Yours, always…..


Maybe that is all what it comes down to.

Him, not wanting to even try. I haven’t asked, I’m not sure I even want to know the answer if I ask him to try. I’m not sure if it’s the right time. If it would be possible.

Every day and every night. I feel a huge weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, I feel my eyes heavy and my heart aching.

For my birthday he bought me a gift, a heart and key necklace and since the day I put it on, I never took it off. Two days ago I done that, I removed it and every now and again I am reaching for it, but it isn’t there, just like he wont be. I removed our pictures, slowly I will try, not saying I will succeed but I’ll try to remove him from my mind at least. I know I will never remove him from my heart.

Even the thought of having sex with him, I can not. All I can think is in a few months he may be touching someone else this way and I feel sick. Physically sick. I know people move on, we need to move on to go forward. It don’t stop the pain. It don’t stop me feeling wrong. I want to enjoy our last days together but I can’t. I have so many crazy stories running thru my mind and It will get worse. When he will finally go that is when it will hit me hard. I will be totally alone and I can’t run to him, I won’t know anything. He will be home distracted, forgotten about me.

I need to ask him to try. To at least try to make it work.

I can’t make you love me

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
Inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me closely
Don’t patronize
Don’t patronize me

Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel
Somethin’ that it won’t
And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I will feel the power but you won’t
No you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me
When you don’t
When you don’t

I’ll close my eyes
‘Cause then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel
When you’re home with me
Morning will come
And I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then
To give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel
Somethin’ that it won’t
And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
I will feel the power but you won’t
No you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me
When you don’t
When you don’t