Miss me 

I want you to miss me .. real bad. 

I want you to think about me at all times. I want you to wonder what I’m doing,how I am. I want you to talk about me and mention my name in every conversation. I want you to realise that you’ve lost me. I want you to feel like this was a mistake. I want you to come home,to me. I just want you back, us back to how we were. 

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My letter to you

I wish I could tell you all this before you left but as you and I know I’m no good with talking. Instead I will write it down in this letter, least this way you will not forget what I have to say.

I hope you enjoy your holiday, you deserve it. You will slowly accomplish all your crazy dreams, one at a time.

I want you to know that even though I was so mad and sad with you leaving that I didn’t stop to think about You, deep down I knew how you felt but at the time I was blind with my own pain. I remember the night so clearly, we were sitting outside best buy on the step, I was wearing your ‘Blondie’ top and you was speaking, a lot. Maybe I wasn’t looking at you but I felt every single word. From that moment I no longer felt my pain, that night I only felt and saw your pain. After that day, for you I tried to act like everything was okay. I realized that night that sometimes no matter how much you love a person you have to let them go. I understood you wasn’t happy, I was just hoping that maybe over time it would change. All I ever want from you is to never stop smiling, never stop laughing, never stop being you.

I understood you wasn’t yourself here, and as much as it hurts to watch you walk away from me I wish for you the best, I never wanted to change your mind or to make you feel bad for your decisions, I just didn’t want to accept it, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, I never will be ready to say goodbye.

You was and will always be a part of me, you will always be in my heart and I will keep all our memories forever.

I fell in love with you even on your bad days. I wouldn’t change anything about our relationship, I just wish it didn’t have to end this way.  Maybe I never said it out loud but it doesn’t make it any less true, I am sure that you could see that everything  I did was for you. My actions spoke enough.

This isn’t goodbye, there is no goodbye between us.

Just, until next time..

Yours, always…..

Try

Maybe that is all what it comes down to.

Him, not wanting to even try. I haven’t asked, I’m not sure I even want to know the answer if I ask him to try. I’m not sure if it’s the right time. If it would be possible.

Every day and every night. I feel a huge weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, I feel my eyes heavy and my heart aching.

For my birthday he bought me a gift, a heart and key necklace and since the day I put it on, I never took it off. Two days ago I done that, I removed it and every now and again I am reaching for it, but it isn’t there, just like he wont be. I removed our pictures, slowly I will try, not saying I will succeed but I’ll try to remove him from my mind at least. I know I will never remove him from my heart.

Even the thought of having sex with him, I can not. All I can think is in a few months he may be touching someone else this way and I feel sick. Physically sick. I know people move on, we need to move on to go forward. It don’t stop the pain. It don’t stop me feeling wrong. I want to enjoy our last days together but I can’t. I have so many crazy stories running thru my mind and It will get worse. When he will finally go that is when it will hit me hard. I will be totally alone and I can’t run to him, I won’t know anything. He will be home distracted, forgotten about me.

I need to ask him to try. To at least try to make it work.

I can’t make you love me

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
Inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me closely
Don’t patronize
Don’t patronize me

Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel
Somethin’ that it won’t
And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I will feel the power but you won’t
No you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me
When you don’t
When you don’t
Yeah-hh

I’ll close my eyes
‘Cause then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel
When you’re home with me
Morning will come
And I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then
To give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel
Somethin’ that it won’t
And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
I will feel the power but you won’t
No you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me
When you don’t
When you don’t

Panic ! At the disco 

This is gospel for the fallen ones

Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories

Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

The gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds
But they haven’t seen the best of us yet

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart

Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

This is gospel for the vagabonds,
Ne’er-do-wells, insufferable bastards
Confessing their apostasies
Led away by imperfect impostors

Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world
Bury me alive
‘Cause I won’t give up without a fight

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart

Oh, the fear of falling apart
Oh, the fear, the fear of falling apart