Rollercoaster time

I fucked up.

I made a total mess and I feel awful.

I’ve started seeing this guy, it’s been 2 months now. I know him, I know he is a fuck boy and I used to trust him, but as the days passed I started losing my trust.

He still uses his tinder, he is still encouraging and speaking with other girls so I trapped him. I set up a fake account and trapped him.

One thing led to another and he found out it was me. I’m sorry that I done it not that I got caught, I know myself and I know I would have probably told him the truth.

He was flirting with ‘her’ and I could feel my heart sink. I feel like I’m not what he really wants and that there is something more out there for him. He told me that he knew it was me and that’s they reason he was flirting so much and wanting to meet, but I don’t believe it. I think that was just a get out cause.

But here I am blaming myself for screwing things up, I’ve agreed to move on and try to pick things up again but he is the one acting more hurt than me. I understand it, but it also feels like he don’t take any responsibility.

I just hope things can go back to how they were. I am hoping that I haven’t ruined this completely. I hope we can fix it.

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Love

I spent wo much time trying to figure out why he left.

But I already knew why. I just couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t stay for me.

I always imagined love was easy. Boy meets girl. Fall in love. Happy ever after.

Rather it’s boy meets girl. Fall in love. Life gets in the way and they live their separate ways. Well for me that’s how it is. Maybe for others they are lucky to find there happy ever after.

Now I am sitting on a rock, by the beach, crying. Crying my little heart out, feeling the band’s tighten around my chest, the tears falling down my cheeks trying to hide my pain from the world, so no one can see me.

I listen to the waves wondering if they can take me away with them. Anywhere from here. Close my eyes and be drifted out, as far as possible.

We just had an argument and I walked out, I became good at just walking away from confrontation, I am not good at it, if I stay I would scream and shout till my lungs burst and I don’t want that, so I walk away. like the fool I am I want to ring him to apologise. However I wasn’t wrong, but we have a week left and all I wanted to do was spend it with him but instead I am here…

alone.

Once again.

Special

You have something special inside you, never change it. 

Thank you …

If that is true then why am I alone.

Why am I fighting for one guy to stay and another one to actually want more with me.

Why do you see the special in me but they don’t, maybe they do but they don’t want to nourish it, they don’t want to be part of it.

Why can’t you be someone else telling me this. I have so many questions why, but also on the other hand, I just don’t care.

I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, I don’t want to feel or think.  I want to pass my days with no extra thoughts than I need, I feel myself being like that, not caring about anyone, including myself.

I am okay with being used and using others. I know.. It’s going to catch up on me and I will find myself in a ball, crying my eyes out wondering why I feel so much pain in my heart and why no one is here to hold me just to tell me everything is going to be okay. To hold my hand and tell me that I am going to be okay.

I am smiling everyday, but I know inside I am dying, I am broken.

Messy Business

I need to tell someone. Anyone. But I can’t. I promised.

My colleague, actually my boss’ brother, my friends husband declared his feelings for me today.

Fuck. Fuck, Fuck.

Fuck.

I am speechless, lost for words, for actions. I feel so uncomfortable. I need to tell someone but anyway I tell it will get back to his wife, to my friend and it will ruin their relationship, ruin my life.

Why, why does this shit happen to me. The guy I want don’t want me but someone else husband does. Like what the actual fuck.

He told me he hasn’t felt this way since his wife, they have been together for 12 years  and now !? and now he can’t sleep because of me, that I give him butterflies that he hasn’t felt in such a long time, oh dear God please get me out of this living hell.

I have a sick feeling inside, my body feels weak and I want to hid somewhere, anywhere away from this mess. I am working with him 9 hours a day, just the two of us, I can’t even escape the situation.

I just hope it don’t get worse, that he don’t confess to his wife how he feels about me, I hope he didn’t expect me to feel the same way about him. Oh fuck.

Alone

It is amazing how alone you can feel with so many people around you.

Isn’t that wrong?

To have so many people that love you and care about you but still feel totally alone.

I smile, I laugh, I enjoy my days with my friends and they wouldn’t know any different. Inside I am dying, I am lonely, I am lost.. Some days I feel like to just run away and start fresh where know one knows me, be someone different, someone better.. but I can’t… Instead I find peace within the nature; the waves; the sand; the sunset…your eyes.

You see, he is part of this feeling alone. I have him so close but yet so far. When I look into his eyes, when I have him in my arms, kissing my lips, holding my hand, I feel … Complete. From the first day I met him, I felt complete. But he don’t feel the same way. I have never had this problem, every guy I have been with has always wanted me, but he, he don’t, not the way I want him to want me.

So I am alone until I can let go of you, of ‘us’

Out of Control

At it again.

I’ve gone back to square one. I want a relationship; I don’t; I do’ I don’t; round and around. .

So back to my fuck buddy I went. To the one guy that makes everything so simple. To have good times together, hang out, laugh, just forget about everything and everyone and he is the only one that makes me feel that way, but that’s the problem.

Last night we went out for a drink, he held my hand, sat close to me, kissed me softly and then told me he don’t want a relationship with me. That he don’t want to hurt my feelings. That he don’t see us being together as a couple.

I feel that I could change that thought; I know, crazy right. I feel that things could work between us if he just opened up a little with me. I know he cares, I know he likes me, I also know he don’t see me in that way, I feel that maybe he thinks I deserve better than him, cos I am a ‘good girl’

I don’t need that, I just need him to want me and allow the universe to take control of the rest. I know he don’t want to ‘waste’ his time with the wrong girl, i totally understand his thought process, but I also wish he would just give me a chance, give us a chance.

I know I am playing a dangerous game; I am going to fall in love with a guy that will never love me back. I will chase a guy for no reward. Nothing. For him to just tell me ‘I told you I don’t want a relationship with you’

So then why ? Why does he act this way with me, holding me close as if he does.. That’s the problem, If he told me No to start with I wouldn’t waste my time, but it is like he is leaving the door open just a little bit, as if he is inviting me in, but if I get too close he will slam it in my face.

I am my own worse enemy. I know it.

 

Mr Perfect

Cliche I know, but really, I think I have found him in you.

I have been so busy looking for comfort in all the wrong people that I was too stupid to just sit back and relax, take it easy;

All good things come to those who wait.

He is a gentleman, kind, sweet, funny, a little crazy but in a good way of course. I feel happy around him, I feel beautiful and sexy, I feel loved and wanted, I feel important.

So why when I see that guy that just wants sex from me I crumble. Like he has me under his spell. I know he isn’t for me, he isn’t what I want.

Mr Perfect is what I want and believe it or not but I actually have him. He is mine and I am his.

I am still seeking for something more, something more exciting maybe? I am not even sure myself what it is that I am looking for. I am not sure what it is I really want.