Cliche I know, but really, I think I have found him in you.
I have been so busy looking for comfort in all the wrong people that I was too stupid to just sit back and relax, take it easy;
All good things come to those who wait.
He is a gentleman, kind, sweet, funny, a little crazy but in a good way of course. I feel happy around him, I feel beautiful and sexy, I feel loved and wanted, I feel important.
So why when I see that guy that just wants sex from me I crumble. Like he has me under his spell. I know he isn’t for me, he isn’t what I want.
Mr Perfect is what I want and believe it or not but I actually have him. He is mine and I am his.
I am still seeking for something more, something more exciting maybe? I am not even sure myself what it is that I am looking for. I am not sure what it is I really want.
I need help.
I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.
I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.
I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.
I give up. I give up.
Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.
My safe place.
Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.
I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.
I’m really scared of you. Honestly. You seem like such a nice guy and that’s what worries me. I’m scared to open up to you and I dont want to brand you together with the others but I can’t help it. I’ve been with guys that I knew who they were and they still betrayed me, even after all the ‘I love yous’. So now you’re stranger. I don’t know you. I know nothing about you. And that makes me even more scared.
The problem is we have an argrement right? Only sex. No relationship. The problem is I am starting to like you more than I should. I don’t even know how to tell you. I’m so scared that I will ruin what we have. At the moment I am okay with what we have but I know over time I will want more from you. Maybe it is best to stop this now, before it gets too complaicated.
Why does everything have to be so so complicated. What happened to boy meets girl. Happy ever after. Can we just go back to the days there was happy ever after. Please?
I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break even more.
You proved me otherwise tonight. I made a decision yesterday that enough was enough, I told him that I can no longer be his friend, that I am struggling. Today I apologised and wished him well. Truth is I can’t let you go, it’s not the simple.
We FaceTimed and spoke, he isn’t good also, he is stressed, he is destroying himself slowly. I felt awful, I felt awful cos I gave him such a hard time and he don’t need that. He don’t need me to be giving him extra stress. So now I made a decision. I will leave him alone. I will not shout or argue. I will allow him to have his way. I will, as always,sacrifice myself, for him. I will move on while I still hold onto his hand. Maybe what I am saying is crazy but I know I can’t do anything else. We will never be together, I understood that tonight after he told me he will never come back. He made it clear.
So.. if you want to be friends. Fine. Let’s be friends. Believe me I can be the bestest friend you ever had.
I am so bitter towards you and I can’t help it. I really really want to be okay but im not. I want to laugh and smile with you but I can’t. I am mad, so mad and alone because of you. It’s not about the reasons anymore. It all comes down to one factor. I was never going to be a part of your life. Deep down you knew it and maybe I did to. You left me behind and I’m not saying it was easy for you but you still walked away. For that I can never forgot, or even forgive. Yes you can made me cry many times, made me feel I wasn’t good enough. However this, this was the worst of it all.
I’m sitting here alone every day and night wondering what will happen when you come back. In 4 months you will he here, you will stay here for 6 months and I wonder will we meet ? Will we be friends ? Will we be more ? But how can we be more, how can we when in just a few short months you will go ahead and leave me again.
I don’t think I can ever go back to him. All I can think about is who he is with now. If he has another girl, or who he is having sex with and it burns my brain. I know its not my business, we are not together but i feel like he is still mine. I don’t ever want to get attached to anyone ever again in my life. I don’t want to feel this way ever again in my life.
Dont worry. Me too. However how can you control your feelings ? Unless you don’t feel a thing. Maybe we are perfect for each other but we will never know cos we are both too broken. Too scared. Too fragile.