Love

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to love someone this much. I don’t think you have any idea how much it hurts when you say you want to go home. To leave this all behind. You have no idea how disturbed my system becomes when you tell me this, how my chest starts to ache and my throat starts to swell. Every day I’m preparing myself for the worse and I tell myself ‘it is for the best’

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. For this situation I’m not so sure. If you was going to come into my life to just leave me behind with heart break then what was the reason? To learn what ? To feel what ? Pain ? I have already felt a whole bundle of pain so why give me more.

I’m thinking everyday a way I could make you stay but the truth is, I can’t. You have your family, your friends,all your favourite places back home.What do you have here?

Me.

Just me. That’s not a good enough reason to stay. You can miss one person much easier than you can miss 10. If he goes home that’s the end. I won’t be able to even hear his name.

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Try

Maybe that is all what it comes down to.

Him, not wanting to even try. I haven’t asked, I’m not sure I even want to know the answer if I ask him to try. I’m not sure if it’s the right time. If it would be possible.

Every day and every night. I feel a huge weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, I feel my eyes heavy and my heart aching.

For my birthday he bought me a gift, a heart and key necklace and since the day I put it on, I never took it off. Two days ago I done that, I removed it and every now and again I am reaching for it, but it isn’t there, just like he wont be. I removed our pictures, slowly I will try, not saying I will succeed but I’ll try to remove him from my mind at least. I know I will never remove him from my heart.

Even the thought of having sex with him, I can not. All I can think is in a few months he may be touching someone else this way and I feel sick. Physically sick. I know people move on, we need to move on to go forward. It don’t stop the pain. It don’t stop me feeling wrong. I want to enjoy our last days together but I can’t. I have so many crazy stories running thru my mind and It will get worse. When he will finally go that is when it will hit me hard. I will be totally alone and I can’t run to him, I won’t know anything. He will be home distracted, forgotten about me.

I need to ask him to try. To at least try to make it work.

Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Worry Head 

I wish I could just switch it all off. Turn my brain off and just have a moment silence. 

I really don’t know what happens to me sometimes . . I freeze out from the world for a few days. It feels like my whole world is ending when it isn’t even close. 

I have a family that loves me. I have my animals that are my life. I have a good job. I have everything I need and want. I have a boyfriend that I hold so close to my heart. 

Yet I am still not fully happy.  Not most days anyway. 

I am a very good person to others but a horrible one to myself. I torture myself with thoughts of things that more than likely will not happen. 

I’ve been hurt many times and I’ve always picked myself up again, it isn’t the pain that I’m scared of. It’s the recovery. I’ve hit the bottom and honestly I haven’t got back up yet, if I pretend everything is okay enough, surely it will be. 

I know the worse thing I do is push people away. People get close and I push. I push them away before giving them too much of myself. I know I don’t trust, I know I don’t believe in people… but I am trying. Everyday I try so hard and some days I do well. Others I fail.