She Used to be Mine

It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
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Game over

I have my coffee, I have a computer that don’t lag, I am alone and ready to tell you whats new.

Well, I don’t think what I am about to say is going to be much of a surprise to anyone who has been reading and following, but it’s GAME OVER.

2nd player has logged off.

Well actually I would say I was the 2nd player, so lets say 1st player completely hit shut down. Not literally I guess.

He made a choice to leave, to go home to his country and I have to accept it. Will he have a better life there? No. He has NO life their. However he will come back, only for the season. So for 6 months he will be here and for the rest he will be home, home sweet fucking home.

I am mad. I can’t hid that, I am sad, for sure I am sad. I don’t know which feeling is stronger, the anger or the hurt, I guess they’re the same.

I fell again, as always I fall. No fault of my own. I start to imagine a wonderful life, a life that only happens in fairy tales. A life I guess I am not deserving of. But once again, I am alone, once again I will fall into the arms of the wrong guy, maybe more than one wrong guy and I will regret it, just the way I’ve regretted many other aspects of my life.

I truly believed I was done with searching for ‘the one’ I thought I was ready, ready to hold onto this one guy.

After 16 months of pure bliss, its done. I have no say in it. I can’t change his mind, I can’t do anything but to sit around and watch the world, my world, crash down around me, allowing the earth to chew me up and spit me out, that is if i’m lucky enough.

I have one month left with him here. He will leave November, but I’m letting go now. I decided to let go now. Last night I told him, I told him I don’t want to see him anymore cos I can’t bare it. I am so excited to meet with him everyday but when I’m with him I feel like I am drowning, all I see is him walking away from me and my mood changes, I can’t enjoy the moment, I can’t enjoy anything actually.

But…. being him. He refused. Funny that, how can you try to dump someone and they refuse it? I am not so sure either how. All I know is that some how he refused to accept what I was saying, he told me, yes told me that we will meet. It seemed more like an order actually, but not in a bad way. It was as if I saw something, his pain ? I’m not sure what exactly, but he cares, I see that, but I don’t need that if he isn’t going to be with me.

It’s not possible for our relationship to work, I believe, actually I know he won’t try to make it work.

So, now I am here, expressing everything before I totally explode. Maybe what I’ve wrote makes no sense at all, maybe I’m just rambling on but I need to tell someone my story, even If I am only writing to myself.

I have a decision to make right now, actually in the next 2 hours I need to have made it. Either I go to see him tonight and we talk, or I go home. Avoid him completely, his calls, texts, everything. I know what I want to do but I also know that my initial choice is the wrong one. Going to see him is going to make this a whole lot harder, it’s going to hurt to watch him pack away his things, walking away from me, getting on that plane while I sit awake every night crying, wondering, imaging him with everyone but me. Analyzing every moment we spent together, every touch, kiss, laugh, smile.

Avoiding him? Okay, It is not the best option either, but least I won’t have to say goodbye.

 

Standing strong 

I encounter at least 5 arseholes a day. On a busy day.. double it. 

Maybe I am to blame for allowing them to be an arsehole to me. It varies from pushing in front of me in a queue to barging me in a busy street. However it is always me 

I know I’m the small, quiet one that is basically invisible,but that gives no right to others to actually treat me that way. 

I wish I was stronger, louder more aggressive but it’s not in my nature. Unfourtnetly I allow people to walk all over me until it’s too late, it is then I try to be the stronger one but it’s too late,the damage is already been done and I still excuse people for their wrong doings. 

This is a trait of myself that I hate, if you knew me, really knew me, not just know of me or an accomplice, a colleague but really knew me like I knew me, then you would understand,You would all understand that the girl you see everyday not caring about others opinions, not caring about being pushed around, thrown around, the sly jokes people make, all the hate and anger I’ve had towards me and here I stand acting like I’m this big strong independent lady.. But the sad truth is, I am not. I am weak, insecure,lonely, I feel pain,daily. I cry, I hurt, I wish things were differnet but i cant let you know that, cos if you know that then I really am weak.

Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Friends 

I knew why I didn’t have friends. I knew why I didn’t do friends. Sometimes having no friends gets lonely.  I see people talk about their friends and how good they are with one another and I wonder why I never was able to find anyone as good as that. I long for a friendship a true real friendship. 

I only have the one friend, we have had our ups and downs and in a way we are opposite but I can trust her, as she can trust me. However we are miles apart, in complete different countries. So even though she is there for me, sometimes I need her to be right in front of me. 

As we get older it gets harder to find a good friend. You start to trust someone and then suddenly they show you what you don’t need in a ‘friend’ they betray you, use you, make you feel worthless. This isn’t a friend, this is a enemy. 

It’s a sad world we live in, where we are governed by age, sex, nationality, religion. It should not matter, we should stand in union no matter what. 

When I moved away 2 years ago, not one person kept in touch, I gave everything to everyone, I was there for them all but when I packed up and left, they couldn’t have cared less. Every single one of them. So now I don’t get close to people, there is no need, it saves you from pain and disappointment.