Standing strong 

I encounter at least 5 arseholes a day. On a busy day.. double it. 

Maybe I am to blame for allowing them to be an arsehole to me. It varies from pushing in front of me in a queue to barging me in a busy street. However it is always me 

I know I’m the small, quiet one that is basically invisible,but that gives no right to others to actually treat me that way. 

I wish I was stronger, louder more aggressive but it’s not in my nature. Unfourtnetly I allow people to walk all over me until it’s too late, it is then I try to be the stronger one but it’s too late,the damage is already been done and I still excuse people for their wrong doings. 

This is a trait of myself that I hate, if you knew me, really knew me, not just know of me or an accomplice, a colleague but really knew me like I knew me, then you would understand,You would all understand that the girl you see everyday not caring about others opinions, not caring about being pushed around, thrown around, the sly jokes people make, all the hate and anger I’ve had towards me and here I stand acting like I’m this big strong independent lady.. But the sad truth is, I am not. I am weak, insecure,lonely, I feel pain,daily. I cry, I hurt, I wish things were differnet but i cant let you know that, cos if you know that then I really am weak.

Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Friends 

I knew why I didn’t have friends. I knew why I didn’t do friends. Sometimes having no friends gets lonely.  I see people talk about their friends and how good they are with one another and I wonder why I never was able to find anyone as good as that. I long for a friendship a true real friendship. 

I only have the one friend, we have had our ups and downs and in a way we are opposite but I can trust her, as she can trust me. However we are miles apart, in complete different countries. So even though she is there for me, sometimes I need her to be right in front of me. 

As we get older it gets harder to find a good friend. You start to trust someone and then suddenly they show you what you don’t need in a ‘friend’ they betray you, use you, make you feel worthless. This isn’t a friend, this is a enemy. 

It’s a sad world we live in, where we are governed by age, sex, nationality, religion. It should not matter, we should stand in union no matter what. 

When I moved away 2 years ago, not one person kept in touch, I gave everything to everyone, I was there for them all but when I packed up and left, they couldn’t have cared less. Every single one of them. So now I don’t get close to people, there is no need, it saves you from pain and disappointment.