Alone

It is amazing how alone you can feel with so many people around you.

Isn’t that wrong?

To have so many people that love you and care about you but still feel totally alone.

I smile, I laugh, I enjoy my days with my friends and they wouldn’t know any different. Inside I am dying, I am lonely, I am lost.. Some days I feel like to just run away and start fresh where know one knows me, be someone different, someone better.. but I can’t… Instead I find peace within the nature; the waves; the sand; the sunset…your eyes.

You see, he is part of this feeling alone. I have him so close but yet so far. When I look into his eyes, when I have him in my arms, kissing my lips, holding my hand, I feel … Complete. From the first day I met him, I felt complete. But he don’t feel the same way. I have never had this problem, every guy I have been with has always wanted me, but he, he don’t, not the way I want him to want me.

So I am alone until I can let go of you, of ‘us’

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Disconnected

I used to write a lot.

I used to read.

I used to sing.

I used to draw.

Now? Now I am a body without a soul. Without any meaning.

Disconnected from everything and everyone.

Alone.

Surrounded by people but still alone.

Loved by many but still alone.

Something is missing.

Help

I need help.

I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.

I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.

I give up. I give up.

Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.

My safe place.

Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.

I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.

Screw up 

Oh shit. 

Yes. 2 days into the new year and already I am fucking up. Can you believe it. I guess I’m not surprised myself. 

I went back to my ex. No no, not the one that left me stranded all alone and broke my heart. The other one, the one that argued with me every single moment we were together. The one that loved me and hated me all at the same time. The one I broke. 

I believe I have done some growing and that I am very mature for my age. When it comes to guys. I’m fucked. I’m a sucker for love, hell I’m a sucker for someone to just love me. 

You know you hear a lot that girls are desperate for attention and love because they didn’t receive it as a child. For my case and I know for many others that’s not true. I had a good childhood. My parents gave me love and attention and still do. I’m not craving something I was deprived of. 

I just hate being alone. I dont have any girlfriends to hang out with. So I look for comfort in a guy, right now any guy will do. However I want more, I want love and care. To be someones priority. It’s not looking good so far. Not even close to it. Instead I’m creating another messy track. 

She Used to be Mine

It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

Game over

I have my coffee, I have a computer that don’t lag, I am alone and ready to tell you whats new.

Well, I don’t think what I am about to say is going to be much of a surprise to anyone who has been reading and following, but it’s GAME OVER.

2nd player has logged off.

Well actually I would say I was the 2nd player, so lets say 1st player completely hit shut down. Not literally I guess.

He made a choice to leave, to go home to his country and I have to accept it. Will he have a better life there? No. He has NO life their. However he will come back, only for the season. So for 6 months he will be here and for the rest he will be home, home sweet fucking home.

I am mad. I can’t hid that, I am sad, for sure I am sad. I don’t know which feeling is stronger, the anger or the hurt, I guess they’re the same.

I fell again, as always I fall. No fault of my own. I start to imagine a wonderful life, a life that only happens in fairy tales. A life I guess I am not deserving of. But once again, I am alone, once again I will fall into the arms of the wrong guy, maybe more than one wrong guy and I will regret it, just the way I’ve regretted many other aspects of my life.

I truly believed I was done with searching for ‘the one’ I thought I was ready, ready to hold onto this one guy.

After 16 months of pure bliss, its done. I have no say in it. I can’t change his mind, I can’t do anything but to sit around and watch the world, my world, crash down around me, allowing the earth to chew me up and spit me out, that is if i’m lucky enough.

I have one month left with him here. He will leave November, but I’m letting go now. I decided to let go now. Last night I told him, I told him I don’t want to see him anymore cos I can’t bare it. I am so excited to meet with him everyday but when I’m with him I feel like I am drowning, all I see is him walking away from me and my mood changes, I can’t enjoy the moment, I can’t enjoy anything actually.

But…. being him. He refused. Funny that, how can you try to dump someone and they refuse it? I am not so sure either how. All I know is that some how he refused to accept what I was saying, he told me, yes told me that we will meet. It seemed more like an order actually, but not in a bad way. It was as if I saw something, his pain ? I’m not sure what exactly, but he cares, I see that, but I don’t need that if he isn’t going to be with me.

It’s not possible for our relationship to work, I believe, actually I know he won’t try to make it work.

So, now I am here, expressing everything before I totally explode. Maybe what I’ve wrote makes no sense at all, maybe I’m just rambling on but I need to tell someone my story, even If I am only writing to myself.

I have a decision to make right now, actually in the next 2 hours I need to have made it. Either I go to see him tonight and we talk, or I go home. Avoid him completely, his calls, texts, everything. I know what I want to do but I also know that my initial choice is the wrong one. Going to see him is going to make this a whole lot harder, it’s going to hurt to watch him pack away his things, walking away from me, getting on that plane while I sit awake every night crying, wondering, imaging him with everyone but me. Analyzing every moment we spent together, every touch, kiss, laugh, smile.

Avoiding him? Okay, It is not the best option either, but least I won’t have to say goodbye.

 

Standing strong 

I encounter at least 5 arseholes a day. On a busy day.. double it. 

Maybe I am to blame for allowing them to be an arsehole to me. It varies from pushing in front of me in a queue to barging me in a busy street. However it is always me 

I know I’m the small, quiet one that is basically invisible,but that gives no right to others to actually treat me that way. 

I wish I was stronger, louder more aggressive but it’s not in my nature. Unfourtnetly I allow people to walk all over me until it’s too late, it is then I try to be the stronger one but it’s too late,the damage is already been done and I still excuse people for their wrong doings. 

This is a trait of myself that I hate, if you knew me, really knew me, not just know of me or an accomplice, a colleague but really knew me like I knew me, then you would understand,You would all understand that the girl you see everyday not caring about others opinions, not caring about being pushed around, thrown around, the sly jokes people make, all the hate and anger I’ve had towards me and here I stand acting like I’m this big strong independent lady.. But the sad truth is, I am not. I am weak, insecure,lonely, I feel pain,daily. I cry, I hurt, I wish things were differnet but i cant let you know that, cos if you know that then I really am weak.