‘Fuck buddy’

Right … for me this is totally out of my comfort zone. I have made a decision to have a fuck buddy. Kind of. 

I met a guy from tinder who only wants sex. No relationship. I respect his honesty. We got on so well. Our personalities just clicked. I felt so comfortable around him. He was so sweet and caring, even while we were kissing he was concerned if he was leaning too much on me or doing something I didn’t want. He was very respectful and honestly I have never felt that way before. 

We didn’t have sex the first night. I didn’t want too. He respected that. I have met other guys that get mad if you don’t have sex with them. As if you are wasting their time and I don’t like this attitude. This guy … he cared about how i felt. If I felt safe and comfortable with him before we stopped somewhere dark in his car. 

Really I can’t believe how considerate he was of my feelings. I haven’t even had boyfriends that considerate. 

We agreed on the sex only thing however I’ve never done this before. For a guy that only wanted sex he seemed to be really ‘loving’ he was trying to hold my hand, play with my hair, kissing me gently goodbye. Everything about him was respectful. 

I’m just not so sure if I am going to end up getting too attached to him. I don’t want to feel anything for anyone. I just want to have fun to not think of anything else. 

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Tinder 

I’m back in the game. Literally. 

It’s been maybe 2 years since I’ve last used tinder. Oh how I have not missed it. In my opinion it’s just a bunch of horny desperate men. 

From what I have experienced anyways. Okay I’m not looking for relationship. I’m just looking for a distraction, not really looking for a fuck buddy either. You could say actually I am completely wasting their time. It’s just something to do. 

I will meet with anyone who wants to. I will not have sex with them. I will see how things go. I am not looking for a potential partner cos that don’t work. I am looking for an escape from reality. To meet with guys that don’t know me and be whoever I want to be in them moments we are together. They don’t need to know all my deepest darkest secrets. They don’t need to know me. To just have some fun with new people, you never know who I will meet. 

I know I’m not ready to find a new partner. How can I,when I’m still in love with him. It’s not practical. It don’t work like that. I need to get over him my own way, not with a rebound. 

So .. ready.. set.. GO 

Miss me 

I want you to miss me .. real bad. 

I want you to think about me at all times. I want you to wonder what I’m doing,how I am. I want you to talk about me and mention my name in every conversation. I want you to realise that you’ve lost me. I want you to feel like this was a mistake. I want you to come home,to me. I just want you back, us back to how we were. 

I want 

You know what I want. 

I want for once a guy to treat me like the world. No, really. 

I want to be taken out for dinner as a surprise. 

I want kissing in the rain. 

I want to feel like I am your number one and no matter what happens that you will love me.

 I want you to look at me and feel like the luckiest guy ever. 

I want you to appreciate what I give you.

 I want to be number one and every moment counts. 

I want that fairy tale romance. 

Really, I want others to look on and wish they had what I had. 

But you know what I really want. I just want to be happy, I don’t want to cry, to feel pain, to feel I’m not good enough. 

I just want to be loved. 

Don’t call me babe 

Don’t call me babe 

I’m not your babe. You decided that when you walked away from me. You made that decision to cut us off when you left. You want the best of both? You made it clear that we couldn’t make this work. So why are we pretending to be friends? When all we are is strangers. 

We are no longer a team. Not as one. We are on different paths and for a while I’m sure you was just stretching over from your path to make it seem like we were on the same. I was too blind to see It, to admit it. 

Now I’m alone. Thinking of you every second of the day. Crying every night and morning. Wondering, now what. Time does not always heal. Sometimes time does nothing. I know right now the days are getting harder. Isn’t it supposed to soften the blow. 

I’m keeping occupied but the moment my head hits my pillow, I lay awake thinking of you. Replaying so many memories. Seeing your face. Feeling your touch. Imaging too many different scenieros. 

How about You? How are you coping with This? I don’t need to answer cos I already know It, you’re fine. Just peachy. I’m sure I don’t pass your mind, if I do I’m sure it’s not so much. I’m sure your days and your nights are not filled with tears and pain. I’m not asking you to suffer, I’m just wondering if it was all real. Or just an act. 

Dreams 

I believe it, I belive that our dreams have meaning. Yes of course out daily routine has affects on them, but I believe the majority of them have meanings. Our subconscious telling us something. 

I have had many strange dreams and when I have researched the meaning, they make perfect sense, they sum up my feelings. 

Last night I had a dream about my ex, it was a strange dream, from what I understood dreaming of an ex could mean many different things,from my conclusion the reason was because my ex he wanted me so bad , he loved me and he showed me that. With my current boyfriend, Yes he is better in so many ways but he don’t show me that he wants me that bad, or that he even loves me. Sometimes I doubt his feelings and I know that’s not fair cos he don’t know how to show it. 

I am missing that feeling, that attention.