What I want

I know what I want.

I guess I always knew what I wanted I just didn’t admit to it yet.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to go on dates with, to share all my problems, someone to hold me and make me feel complete.

I don’t have that. I had it. Not anymore.

All I have now is a fuck buddy. I am just a booty call. Whatever the hell we call it. It’s my first time doing this and a part of me hates it, another part enjoys it, but I only enjoy my time when I’m with him. The moment I get home I feel.. dirty? Actually no, I feel incomplete. I am missing everything else that comes with sex.

I’m stuck between passing my time with a guy to just have sex. Or dropping him and just be alone. He is a good guy and I know I will miss him, but is that enough. No. I need to find a guy that wants me for me. A guy that don’t want to change anything about me. The problem is I can’t find one.



I need help.

I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.

I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.

I give up. I give up.

Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.

My safe place.

Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.

I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.

Open Book

I fear rejection

I fear being alone

I fear the dark

I fear being taken advantage off

I have trust issues

I care too much even if I say or show I don’t

I have social anxiety

I have a very bad temper

I have nightmares

I have not always been loyal

I have lied a lot

I am very bitter

I stress too much

I was in a very bad place for a long time

I feel trapped

I hate expressing myself

I hate being let down

I hate being lied to

I’ve used people

I never swear in front of my family

I wonder what it feels to drive off a cliff

I like my own company

I hate feeling suffocated

I get bored of people easily

I have a attitude

I hated myself for a long time

I blame myself for everything

I nearly got married

I’ve been pregnant

I’m in denial

I can play the violin

I love to read and draw and sing and dance

I never believe in myself

I lost myself a long time ago

I had a large group of friends which I lost

I run away from my problems

I used to be more fun loud crazy happy

I used to enjoy walking

When I’m angry/stressed I clean walk or drive

I judge people too quickly

I give people too many chances

I cry myself to sleep

I see sharing as being weak and vulnerable

I never have favourites

I never make decisions

I believe everything happens for a reason

I don’t fully enjoy my job

People usually think I’m a bitch on first meetings

I have been a bitch a huge horrible bitch

I’ve learnt a lot from my mistakes

I don’t like to hurt people

I like to be in charge

I hate doing things first time

I have felt worthless for a long time

I’ve always been shy

I want to see the beauty of the world

I like to be independent

I hate carrying people

I feel very alone

I hate feeling needy

I’m not a jealous person

I try to be a better person daily

I don’t regret, I try to find a lesson in it

I wish I was more confident

Since moving country I feel invisible

I hate attention

I’m angry at myself for letting people get to me

I am good at pretending I am happy


Lost Control

I really thought I had everything until control.

The truth is.

I don’t.

I am a mess and I keep going to the wrong guys, I am looking for comfort and answers within them. I am the answer. Not them.

Last night I met with Mr.Fireman. I had fun with him and he is a really nice guy but I have feelings for another guy, my ‘fuck buddy’ a guy that I can’t have, a guy that isn’t right for me. While all this is going on I am missing my ex like crazy. I am so tired of starting new with all these guys and going nowhere. Something is missing from them all. Maybe something is missing from me. I am not ready but I need someone. I want someone.

I have the perfect image in my head and everyday it seems to get further and further away from ever coming true. I keep settling for ok. I keep giving chances when I should just walk away. I keep repeating the same pattern and expecting something different to be the outcome. Stupid. Totally stupid.

I want to run away. I want to switch my phone off. Go to the top of the mountain and watch the view. Alone. I want to be totally alone. Where no one can reach me. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to even pretend anymore. I don’t want to explain why.

I just want peace inside my head. While I am here I am not finding any. While I continue to do what I am doing, I never will find any.

Date 2

Update on Mr. Fireman !

So, we went on another date. I have so much fun with him, I don’t think I have ever laughed so much on a date. He is so much fun, and damn he is cute. I can see myself really falling for him, that scares me a little bit but not in a crazy way, which is good.

He is doing and saying all the right things. He showed me the stars and offered to cook me dinner. I’ve never really had a guy that has wanted to know my soul so deeply.

So date one he hardly touched me. Date two, he was touching me more, my hand, leg, pushing my hair away from my face.

At the end of the night, we hugged, he grabbed my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. Yes. My forehead. I was a little disappointed, well unexpected. Any ‘date’ I’ve ever been on, they always kiss on the first or at least second date.

I think that maybe he wants to take things slow, I have no problem with that. I just want to kiss him already !

I’m just hoping that he does like me, he is showing me he does but you never know. Maybe he is being a gentleman, I have no idea. If date 3 and still no kiss then I need answers.


I am powerful.

I am strong.

Today I realised my self worth. I can’t tell you exactly what it was that made me realise, but its like it hit me, it hit from out of nowhere.

I dated a guy for 18months and not once did he tell me he loved me, I dated him right up until the moment he walked away. Forget the reasons why, they are not important. You got up and you walked and you left me to pick up all the pieces. We were not a team, from day one we were not a team.

For 2 months I have had a fuck buddy. I am a booty call, a quick fuck. At first it’s, what ? Exciting I guess, different, something I have never done before or even consider, up until now. Up unitil I completely gave up, not only on men but also on me. As if I wasn’t worth anything more than just sex.

No. I have had enough .I am worth more. I have a lot to offer, hell I don’t care. I know I have a lot to offer, I am the best fucking thing you called have. Yes I have my flaws, we are humans, we make mistakes, we fix them, we move on to making more mistakes. I am not perfect, neither are you. No person on this earth is perfect. But I am worth more than what I am getting. No, it is not their fault. It is mine. I have allowed my self to think all these years that I am not worthy, today I realised I am.

I will stand tall, I will be nothing less than myself and I will show every single one of you what I am worth. I will no longer me treated like a doormat, I will no longer expect second best, I will not accept to be a dirty sex secret.


I am worthy.