Bye Bye Lover

I see the way you look at me, you don’t look at me with admiration or love, you look at me with lust. Your feelings for me are totally sexual so why do I continue to be drawn to you.

I have a guy that looks at me as if I am perfect, when clearly I am not. He looks at me as if I am the most beautiful girl he has ever set eyes on, so why do I want a guy that I know will never feel that way towards me.

Why am I attracted to the arse hole guy. The guy that knows what to say and what to do to get all the girls.

I love sweet guys, but this guy he is too sweet, too kind, too good and he deserves better, really he does. He deserves someones full attention and I have to let him go to find that.

I know how I feel, I know that I feel like he isn’t my boyfriend, I feel disconnected and maybe a little time needs to pass to feel that connection again, I don’t know, what I do know is that I have to let him go.

I have to walk away, even though I really don’t want to.I have to do the right thing, for the both of us. I need to feel free again. To clear my mind, to clear my soul. To love life again, to love me again.

I am lost and confused and I know I need to be alone at this time of my life, to just go and have fun, maybe get a little drunk, forget about guys.

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I Love.. I Hate

You know what I love..

The sound of your voice,

The shine in your eyes,

That look you give me when you know I am being totally stupid,

When you tease me,

The giggle you make when you know you are wrong,

The way you kiss,

The way you hold me,

The way you look at me,

When you raise your eyebrow,

It’s funny how all the things I love about you, is also the reason why I hate you.

Changing who I am

Can I change my identity.

My name.

My personality.

My looks.

Be the new girl everyone wants to know.

Be more confident and wild. More daring and sexy. More funny and sweet. Be more everything that I am not.

Is that bad, how much I want to change who I am, even though I have been told by too many people that I am special, people who loved me and still do, family, friends, boyfriends, just boy friends, guys I have dated, guys I have fucked, guys I don’t even know. Strangers that I have only met once, employers, colleagues, you get the point.

So ? Why do I still see myself to be nothing special, not beautiful nor smart, not kind nor funny, just another person without meaning.

Then some days I look around and I judge, like all humans do. I don’t say its correct.

I look around and I wonder what is so special about him or her to have that job, or to be that rich, or to have that partner, why can’t I have those things. Why can’t I be the one that people judge and wonder.

Life is getting me down and I don’t even know how to fix it, where to even begin.

Boys, Boys, Boys

My head is a mess.

Yes my head, not my heart. I know how my heart feels. I know what my heart wants.

I am mourning over the loss of my relationship. I know it. I am looking at him and I see so many memories that we shared together and if he have had never left we would still be creating more memories, but thats not the case. He did leave.

You see I have a problem at the moment. I have three guys, all good guys, all different guys and the problem is I need to pick one. It sounds bad, I know. Just hear me out..

Guy one, is my ex. The guy I was with for nearly 2 years, the guy I believed was my future; but he left. Now he came back and he wants to act like everything is normal between us, everything is perfect but in a mere 3 months he will be gone again. And I; I will be left to cry myself asleep for many nights;

All

Over

Again

I can’t do it. I want to spend time with him, be with him but how can i move on with my life if he is still in it. Distracting me from finding Mr Right.

So.. Guy 2; this guy don’t really count I guess, he is a fuck boy. A fuck buddy actually; but damn I can not resist him. I see him everyday at work and all I can think about is him. He don’t want a relationship, I know it. But I chase him, I chase him because I feel excitement, it’s fun; it is just sex.

I know i don’t want just sex, but also I do. I am tired of relationship, of commitment, of being the good girl. I just want to go and have fun, be dirty, do the wrong thing for once.¬†All my life I have followed the rules, the right thing, but for once I don’t want to follow the rules, I don’t want to follow anything.

We get to Guy 3; damn. Perfect. It’s the only way I can describe him. He is everything I have ever wanted. So.. why ? Why am I looking for company in Guy 1 and sex in Guy 2 .

Why can’t I be happy with the perfection I have always wanted. Maybe that’s the problem; maybe it is all too perfect. If that is possible. He is a good guy, maybe too good for me ? I really don’t know, I have no flaws to pick in him; so why am I not 100% happy with just him.

I shouldn’t seek for anything in anyone else. I shouldn’t want to chase or to be with anyone else; but here we are, here I am; looking. Seeking, Chasing.

I don’t know what I want anymore. What I do know is I don’t want anyone to get hurt.

 

Mr Perfect

Cliche I know, but really, I think I have found him in you.

I have been so busy looking for comfort in all the wrong people that I was too stupid to just sit back and relax, take it easy;

All good things come to those who wait.

He is a gentleman, kind, sweet, funny, a little crazy but in a good way of course. I feel happy around him, I feel beautiful and sexy, I feel loved and wanted, I feel important.

So why when I see that guy that just wants sex from me I crumble. Like he has me under his spell. I know he isn’t for me, he isn’t what I want.

Mr Perfect is what I want and believe it or not but I actually have him. He is mine and I am his.

I am still seeking for something more, something more exciting maybe? I am not even sure myself what it is that I am looking for. I am not sure what it is I really want.

 

What I want

I know what I want.

I guess I always knew what I wanted I just didn’t admit to it yet.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to go on dates with, to share all my problems, someone to hold me and make me feel complete.

I don’t have that. I had it. Not anymore.

All I have now is a fuck buddy. I am just a booty call. Whatever the hell we call it. It’s my first time doing this and a part of me hates it, another part enjoys it, but I only enjoy my time when I’m with him. The moment I get home I feel.. dirty? Actually no, I feel incomplete. I am missing everything else that comes with sex.

I’m stuck between passing my time with a guy to just have sex. Or dropping him and just be alone. He is a good guy and I know I will miss him, but is that enough. No. I need to find a guy that wants me for me. A guy that don’t want to change anything about me. The problem is I can’t find one.

Help

I need help.

I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.

I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.

I give up. I give up.

Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.

My safe place.

Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.

I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.