Dreams 

I believe it, I belive that our dreams have meaning. Yes of course out daily routine has affects on them, but I believe the majority of them have meanings. Our subconscious telling us something. 

I have had many strange dreams and when I have researched the meaning, they make perfect sense, they sum up my feelings. 

Last night I had a dream about my ex, it was a strange dream, from what I understood dreaming of an ex could mean many different things,from my conclusion the reason was because my ex he wanted me so bad , he loved me and he showed me that. With my current boyfriend, Yes he is better in so many ways but he don’t show me that he wants me that bad, or that he even loves me. Sometimes I doubt his feelings and I know that’s not fair cos he don’t know how to show it. 

I am missing that feeling, that attention.

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I remember 

I remember the first day I saw you.

I remember that first handshake.

 I remember the first time we spoke. 

I remember staring at you trying to figure you out. 

I remember you flirting  with me. 

I remember feeling shy around you.

I remember our first date.

I remember the first time we kissed. 

I remember walking hand in hand. 

I remember laying on your chest watching the stars.

I remember all the stupid jokes. 

I remember feeling sad.

I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough for you. 

I remember my breathing becoming heavier everytime you touched me. 

I remember my heart beating hard everytime I saw you. 

I remember hating you. 

I remember falling in love with you. 

I remember you making me feel important to you.

I remember feeling unimportant to you. 

I remember wanting you more than anyone.  

I remember your tears.

I remember wanting better. 

I remember wanting you to stay.

I remember slowly losing you.

I remember it all. The good. The bad. I still wouldn’t change it for the world. What I have learnt will never be forgotten. Never regretted. 

My letter to you

I wish I could tell you all this before you left but as you and I know I’m no good with talking. Instead I will write it down in this letter, least this way you will not forget what I have to say.

I hope you enjoy your holiday, you deserve it. You will slowly accomplish all your crazy dreams, one at a time.

I want you to know that even though I was so mad and sad with you leaving that I didn’t stop to think about You, deep down I knew how you felt but at the time I was blind with my own pain. I remember the night so clearly, we were sitting outside best buy on the step, I was wearing your ‘Blondie’ top and you was speaking, a lot. Maybe I wasn’t looking at you but I felt every single word. From that moment I no longer felt my pain, that night I only felt and saw your pain. After that day, for you I tried to act like everything was okay. I realized that night that sometimes no matter how much you love a person you have to let them go. I understood you wasn’t happy, I was just hoping that maybe over time it would change. All I ever want from you is to never stop smiling, never stop laughing, never stop being you.

I understood you wasn’t yourself here, and as much as it hurts to watch you walk away from me I wish for you the best, I never wanted to change your mind or to make you feel bad for your decisions, I just didn’t want to accept it, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, I never will be ready to say goodbye.

You was and will always be a part of me, you will always be in my heart and I will keep all our memories forever.

I fell in love with you even on your bad days. I wouldn’t change anything about our relationship, I just wish it didn’t have to end this way.  Maybe I never said it out loud but it doesn’t make it any less true, I am sure that you could see that everything  I did was for you. My actions spoke enough.

This isn’t goodbye, there is no goodbye between us.

Just, until next time..

Yours, always…..

I hate me 

I’ve spent so long being invisible.  

Being too fat or too skinny.  Not being pretty enough.  My teeth not being perfectly white. My skin not soft enough. My arse not toned enough. My hair not being long enough or thick enough. 

Not being good enough.  

When I am being shown attention I like it. For them moments I feel good enough. I feel pretty enough. 

But 

When I’m alone standing in front of the mirror looking at my body, My face, my clothes. I feel hideous. I feel disgusting. I am so angry with myself for feeling this way for looking at every other girl and admiring them and not myself. Why can’t I love me. I am not that bad, But I don’t have the strength to do it, to feel that I’m worthy. Cos I’m not. 

Love

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to love someone this much. I don’t think you have any idea how much it hurts when you say you want to go home. To leave this all behind. You have no idea how disturbed my system becomes when you tell me this, how my chest starts to ache and my throat starts to swell. Every day I’m preparing myself for the worse and I tell myself ‘it is for the best’

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. For this situation I’m not so sure. If you was going to come into my life to just leave me behind with heart break then what was the reason? To learn what ? To feel what ? Pain ? I have already felt a whole bundle of pain so why give me more.

I’m thinking everyday a way I could make you stay but the truth is, I can’t. You have your family, your friends,all your favourite places back home.What do you have here?

Me.

Just me. That’s not a good enough reason to stay. You can miss one person much easier than you can miss 10. If he goes home that’s the end. I won’t be able to even hear his name.

Don’t go..

‘I don’t want to lose you’

But .. yet you will leave.

I get it I do, I understand it has been difficult and he wants to go home, he believes he has it all figured out, I hope he does but I really don’t think he does.

I am lost, confused, broken. All I want is for him to be happy, for him to be happy I have to sacrifice my own happiness. I am tired, I am tired of sacrificing for others, for once I want someone to sacrifice themselves for me. Is it too much ?

We can work, I believe if he loves me, we can work. But you see, that’s the problem, he don’t. We have got this far, and I don’t believe it is the end for us. I don’t want to believe it is the end.

I finally said goodbye, for some reason he will not accept it. He is fighting with himself, I know it. Maybe I am making it harder for him, but, what can I do. Continue to act like everything is fine? Pretend I am happy? I am dying from the inside, as if I am being beaten. I can not control my emotions, I feel so much stress, I feel so weak so useless. I can’t go on. I have to let go.