My head is a mess.
Yes my head, not my heart. I know how my heart feels. I know what my heart wants.
I am mourning over the loss of my relationship. I know it. I am looking at him and I see so many memories that we shared together and if he have had never left we would still be creating more memories, but thats not the case. He did leave.
You see I have a problem at the moment. I have three guys, all good guys, all different guys and the problem is I need to pick one. It sounds bad, I know. Just hear me out..
Guy one, is my ex. The guy I was with for nearly 2 years, the guy I believed was my future; but he left. Now he came back and he wants to act like everything is normal between us, everything is perfect but in a mere 3 months he will be gone again. And I; I will be left to cry myself asleep for many nights;
I can’t do it. I want to spend time with him, be with him but how can i move on with my life if he is still in it. Distracting me from finding Mr Right.
So.. Guy 2; this guy don’t really count I guess, he is a fuck boy. A fuck buddy actually; but damn I can not resist him. I see him everyday at work and all I can think about is him. He don’t want a relationship, I know it. But I chase him, I chase him because I feel excitement, it’s fun; it is just sex.
I know i don’t want just sex, but also I do. I am tired of relationship, of commitment, of being the good girl. I just want to go and have fun, be dirty, do the wrong thing for once. All my life I have followed the rules, the right thing, but for once I don’t want to follow the rules, I don’t want to follow anything.
We get to Guy 3; damn. Perfect. It’s the only way I can describe him. He is everything I have ever wanted. So.. why ? Why am I looking for company in Guy 1 and sex in Guy 2 .
Why can’t I be happy with the perfection I have always wanted. Maybe that’s the problem; maybe it is all too perfect. If that is possible. He is a good guy, maybe too good for me ? I really don’t know, I have no flaws to pick in him; so why am I not 100% happy with just him.
I shouldn’t seek for anything in anyone else. I shouldn’t want to chase or to be with anyone else; but here we are, here I am; looking. Seeking, Chasing.
I don’t know what I want anymore. What I do know is I don’t want anyone to get hurt.