Falling apart 

It is amazing how just hearing your voice makes my heart stop beating. Seeing your face makes it start breaking. 

You can not imagine how much I hold back my tears while we talk. The moment we hang up that phone, I break down. 

Completely break down. 

The ache in my chest multiplies and all them tears I held back just gush out. The worst part is I can’t make it stop. Nothing I do makes it stop. I am mean to you,  not because I want to be but because I have to be. I don’t want to love you anymore, to see the light shine from you as if you were Gods gift. I don’t want to look at you in that way. I want to hate you for leaving me like this but yet I don’t. I don’t want to hate you, I want to remember all the times we spent together and be happy, and when I do it all comes back to you leaving, the pain I feel is ten times more than the happiness I felt when we were together. 

I see him trying to make me laugh and be happy but It don’t work, I wonder if he sees that. I wonder if he realises I am not okay. That I am struggling each and every day to get myself out of my bed and be constructive. I wonder if he misses me the way I do, thing is everything here reminds me of you. 

I’m lost and I’m alone. I’m giving up on everything and everyone. I don’t like who I’m becoming. I’ve become to weak to even change it. 

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Not ready 

I thought I needed to move on, find a distraction. To find another guy to help me get over him. I know, bad idea and I realised that last night. 

I went on a date. I was so uninterested, bored and all I could do is think about him. We didn’t connect at all and the whole night blew. However the worse part was I drive home crying, crying my eyes out cos all I could think about is why did he have to leave. I don’t want any other guy. I just want him back. 

When I got home I rang him to just hear his voice again. To feel him close to me. No matter what tho it’s too late. He is gone and I have to find a way to accept it. 

Im falling apart and I don’t know how to keep myself together. 

Miss me 

I want you to miss me .. real bad. 

I want you to think about me at all times. I want you to wonder what I’m doing,how I am. I want you to talk about me and mention my name in every conversation. I want you to realise that you’ve lost me. I want you to feel like this was a mistake. I want you to come home,to me. I just want you back, us back to how we were. 

Don’t call me babe 

Don’t call me babe 

I’m not your babe. You decided that when you walked away from me. You made that decision to cut us off when you left. You want the best of both? You made it clear that we couldn’t make this work. So why are we pretending to be friends? When all we are is strangers. 

We are no longer a team. Not as one. We are on different paths and for a while I’m sure you was just stretching over from your path to make it seem like we were on the same. I was too blind to see It, to admit it. 

Now I’m alone. Thinking of you every second of the day. Crying every night and morning. Wondering, now what. Time does not always heal. Sometimes time does nothing. I know right now the days are getting harder. Isn’t it supposed to soften the blow. 

I’m keeping occupied but the moment my head hits my pillow, I lay awake thinking of you. Replaying so many memories. Seeing your face. Feeling your touch. Imaging too many different scenieros. 

How about You? How are you coping with This? I don’t need to answer cos I already know It, you’re fine. Just peachy. I’m sure I don’t pass your mind, if I do I’m sure it’s not so much. I’m sure your days and your nights are not filled with tears and pain. I’m not asking you to suffer, I’m just wondering if it was all real. Or just an act. 

Not a good day 

Today is not a good day for me. 

I’ve woke up very emotional. Today I miss him, okay every day I miss him but today something hit me harder than most days. 

I’m not sure what it is but I can’t stop the tears. I cant even talk to anyone. 

It’s just me pretending everything is okay. That I am dealing with everything fine. People always say that time is a healer. With time things will get easier,you’ll hurt less. It’s not true. Yes time helps but not always, not so much. 

I feel so disconnected to the world, to him, to myself. I’m so lost. 

Stop 

Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP. 

Enough. I can’t feel like this anymore. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying ! Enough is enough. I have a emptiness in my chest. An ache. A real physical breaking. Enough. 

I want to be happy. Not miserable. I don’t want to think about you, in any way. I just want peace. How do I make it all Stop!?!