I really thought I had everything until control.
The truth is.
I am a mess and I keep going to the wrong guys, I am looking for comfort and answers within them. I am the answer. Not them.
Last night I met with Mr.Fireman. I had fun with him and he is a really nice guy but I have feelings for another guy, my ‘fuck buddy’ a guy that I can’t have, a guy that isn’t right for me. While all this is going on I am missing my ex like crazy. I am so tired of starting new with all these guys and going nowhere. Something is missing from them all. Maybe something is missing from me. I am not ready but I need someone. I want someone.
I have the perfect image in my head and everyday it seems to get further and further away from ever coming true. I keep settling for ok. I keep giving chances when I should just walk away. I keep repeating the same pattern and expecting something different to be the outcome. Stupid. Totally stupid.
I want to run away. I want to switch my phone off. Go to the top of the mountain and watch the view. Alone. I want to be totally alone. Where no one can reach me. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to even pretend anymore. I don’t want to explain why.
I just want peace inside my head. While I am here I am not finding any. While I continue to do what I am doing, I never will find any.
I am so bitter towards you and I can’t help it. I really really want to be okay but im not. I want to laugh and smile with you but I can’t. I am mad, so mad and alone because of you. It’s not about the reasons anymore. It all comes down to one factor. I was never going to be a part of your life. Deep down you knew it and maybe I did to. You left me behind and I’m not saying it was easy for you but you still walked away. For that I can never forgot, or even forgive. Yes you can made me cry many times, made me feel I wasn’t good enough. However this, this was the worst of it all.
I’m sitting here alone every day and night wondering what will happen when you come back. In 4 months you will he here, you will stay here for 6 months and I wonder will we meet ? Will we be friends ? Will we be more ? But how can we be more, how can we when in just a few short months you will go ahead and leave me again.
I don’t think I can ever go back to him. All I can think about is who he is with now. If he has another girl, or who he is having sex with and it burns my brain. I know its not my business, we are not together but i feel like he is still mine. I don’t ever want to get attached to anyone ever again in my life. I don’t want to feel this way ever again in my life.
Dont worry. Me too. However how can you control your feelings ? Unless you don’t feel a thing. Maybe we are perfect for each other but we will never know cos we are both too broken. Too scared. Too fragile.
Don’t ask how I am.
I’m not okay and I don’t want to have to lie to you.
It is amazing how just hearing your voice makes my heart stop beating. Seeing your face makes it start breaking.
You can not imagine how much I hold back my tears while we talk. The moment we hang up that phone, I break down.
Completely break down.
The ache in my chest multiplies and all them tears I held back just gush out. The worst part is I can’t make it stop. Nothing I do makes it stop. I am mean to you, not because I want to be but because I have to be. I don’t want to love you anymore, to see the light shine from you as if you were Gods gift. I don’t want to look at you in that way. I want to hate you for leaving me like this but yet I don’t. I don’t want to hate you, I want to remember all the times we spent together and be happy, and when I do it all comes back to you leaving, the pain I feel is ten times more than the happiness I felt when we were together.
I see him trying to make me laugh and be happy but It don’t work, I wonder if he sees that. I wonder if he realises I am not okay. That I am struggling each and every day to get myself out of my bed and be constructive. I wonder if he misses me the way I do, thing is everything here reminds me of you.
I’m lost and I’m alone. I’m giving up on everything and everyone. I don’t like who I’m becoming. I’ve become to weak to even change it.