I remember 

I remember the first day I saw you.

I remember that first handshake.

 I remember the first time we spoke. 

I remember staring at you trying to figure you out. 

I remember you flirting  with me. 

I remember feeling shy around you.

I remember our first date.

I remember the first time we kissed. 

I remember walking hand in hand. 

I remember laying on your chest watching the stars.

I remember all the stupid jokes. 

I remember feeling sad.

I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough for you. 

I remember my breathing becoming heavier everytime you touched me. 

I remember my heart beating hard everytime I saw you. 

I remember hating you. 

I remember falling in love with you. 

I remember you making me feel important to you.

I remember feeling unimportant to you. 

I remember wanting you more than anyone.  

I remember your tears.

I remember wanting better. 

I remember wanting you to stay.

I remember slowly losing you.

I remember it all. The good. The bad. I still wouldn’t change it for the world. What I have learnt will never be forgotten. Never regretted. 

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Love

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to love someone this much. I don’t think you have any idea how much it hurts when you say you want to go home. To leave this all behind. You have no idea how disturbed my system becomes when you tell me this, how my chest starts to ache and my throat starts to swell. Every day I’m preparing myself for the worse and I tell myself ‘it is for the best’

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. For this situation I’m not so sure. If you was going to come into my life to just leave me behind with heart break then what was the reason? To learn what ? To feel what ? Pain ? I have already felt a whole bundle of pain so why give me more.

I’m thinking everyday a way I could make you stay but the truth is, I can’t. You have your family, your friends,all your favourite places back home.What do you have here?

Me.

Just me. That’s not a good enough reason to stay. You can miss one person much easier than you can miss 10. If he goes home that’s the end. I won’t be able to even hear his name.

Don’t go..

‘I don’t want to lose you’

But .. yet you will leave.

I get it I do, I understand it has been difficult and he wants to go home, he believes he has it all figured out, I hope he does but I really don’t think he does.

I am lost, confused, broken. All I want is for him to be happy, for him to be happy I have to sacrifice my own happiness. I am tired, I am tired of sacrificing for others, for once I want someone to sacrifice themselves for me. Is it too much ?

We can work, I believe if he loves me, we can work. But you see, that’s the problem, he don’t. We have got this far, and I don’t believe it is the end for us. I don’t want to believe it is the end.

I finally said goodbye, for some reason he will not accept it. He is fighting with himself, I know it. Maybe I am making it harder for him, but, what can I do. Continue to act like everything is fine? Pretend I am happy? I am dying from the inside, as if I am being beaten. I can not control my emotions, I feel so much stress, I feel so weak so useless. I can’t go on. I have to let go.

But.. why?

I must ask myself at least 10 times a day… ‘but.. why?’

Why do I feel sad?

Why do I feel pain?

Why do I hate myself so much?

Why am I so scared?

Why am I so emotionally insecure?

When I feel a certain why I ask myself … ‘but..why?’ cos I have no true reason, I have no true pain, or do I?

I know I have been through shit in my life and it hasn’t been easy, but people have been through worse, miles worse. Yet I still feel sorry for myself. You wouldn’t think it, I am good, actually I am a master of hiding my pain, my fear, basically my feelings. In a way its good, on the other hand I closed myself up so much that I am also a master of hiding love, compassion and care.

You see when you become good at something you become good in all aspects. Even in the way you don’t want it to be.

 

Game over

I have my coffee, I have a computer that don’t lag, I am alone and ready to tell you whats new.

Well, I don’t think what I am about to say is going to be much of a surprise to anyone who has been reading and following, but it’s GAME OVER.

2nd player has logged off.

Well actually I would say I was the 2nd player, so lets say 1st player completely hit shut down. Not literally I guess.

He made a choice to leave, to go home to his country and I have to accept it. Will he have a better life there? No. He has NO life their. However he will come back, only for the season. So for 6 months he will be here and for the rest he will be home, home sweet fucking home.

I am mad. I can’t hid that, I am sad, for sure I am sad. I don’t know which feeling is stronger, the anger or the hurt, I guess they’re the same.

I fell again, as always I fall. No fault of my own. I start to imagine a wonderful life, a life that only happens in fairy tales. A life I guess I am not deserving of. But once again, I am alone, once again I will fall into the arms of the wrong guy, maybe more than one wrong guy and I will regret it, just the way I’ve regretted many other aspects of my life.

I truly believed I was done with searching for ‘the one’ I thought I was ready, ready to hold onto this one guy.

After 16 months of pure bliss, its done. I have no say in it. I can’t change his mind, I can’t do anything but to sit around and watch the world, my world, crash down around me, allowing the earth to chew me up and spit me out, that is if i’m lucky enough.

I have one month left with him here. He will leave November, but I’m letting go now. I decided to let go now. Last night I told him, I told him I don’t want to see him anymore cos I can’t bare it. I am so excited to meet with him everyday but when I’m with him I feel like I am drowning, all I see is him walking away from me and my mood changes, I can’t enjoy the moment, I can’t enjoy anything actually.

But…. being him. He refused. Funny that, how can you try to dump someone and they refuse it? I am not so sure either how. All I know is that some how he refused to accept what I was saying, he told me, yes told me that we will meet. It seemed more like an order actually, but not in a bad way. It was as if I saw something, his pain ? I’m not sure what exactly, but he cares, I see that, but I don’t need that if he isn’t going to be with me.

It’s not possible for our relationship to work, I believe, actually I know he won’t try to make it work.

So, now I am here, expressing everything before I totally explode. Maybe what I’ve wrote makes no sense at all, maybe I’m just rambling on but I need to tell someone my story, even If I am only writing to myself.

I have a decision to make right now, actually in the next 2 hours I need to have made it. Either I go to see him tonight and we talk, or I go home. Avoid him completely, his calls, texts, everything. I know what I want to do but I also know that my initial choice is the wrong one. Going to see him is going to make this a whole lot harder, it’s going to hurt to watch him pack away his things, walking away from me, getting on that plane while I sit awake every night crying, wondering, imaging him with everyone but me. Analyzing every moment we spent together, every touch, kiss, laugh, smile.

Avoiding him? Okay, It is not the best option either, but least I won’t have to say goodbye.

 

Defeated

After one year and 3 months. I can’t anymore. I have been defeated. 

I tried so hard to be what he wanted. I tried so hard to hold my anger, to be so patient. I can’t anymore. 

I must cry at least once a week from the way he talks to me. I must feel shit nearly 3 times a week from the way he treats me. Yet I continue to go back. To hear his apolige. To accept it. 

You see I can’t blame him; I only blame myself. I allowed him. I always allow them to treat me like shit then wonder why. All I want is a guy to love me, not to want to change me, or to get mad with me all the time. 

I just want a happy ever after. Is it too much to ask for.