Can I just take a moment to just scream.
I want to stand on top of a mountain, alone, with the sun setting, birds singing, watching the city below and just scream.
Scream at the top of my lungs. Scream until I have nothing left. I want to scream out all my pain, all my memories.
I want to scream till my throat hurts till I have no energy left and I crumble to the floor. I want to hear the silence after the storm, to feel free and empty, to watch the world grow darker and the sky shine brighter. To watch the moon, and see the magic in the stars and wish for nothing simplier.
I feel so small sometimes. So invisible. So scared. So weak.
He don’t get it. I believe he never will get it. We have complete different thought tracks on the world, on everything. I wonder how we are together, how we even got this far.
I’ve never cared for a guy like this before and I understand why I get so upset and hurt when he says or does certain things. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just ignore it or just take it like ‘whatever’ but I can’t. Instead I sit on it for days, thinking and thinking, ‘why?’
I don’t want to analysis everything he says and does. But it gets to me and eats at me for days. Sometimes longer.
It don’t help that I can’t speak. Everytime I open my mouth to explain, I choke on every word. When I finally find the courage to say something it comes out completely wrong.
I was better at this, I know I was stronger. I lost myself and I thought I found myself again, but I didn’t, I haven’t. I’m still lost. I try so hard to fix the pieces back again but my mind isn’t cclea enough to even see them.
I could repeat myself always. The result is always the same.
The problem he has is that he likes girls too much. Beautiful girls. All girls.
I am with a guy who likes to admire the beauty of women. Which is very annoying, yes, but I have accepted that.
He tells me how he would like to date a Russian lady because they are like models.
He stops operating when a beautiful lady passes him.
He keeps pictures of other girls we work with on his phone because he likes the beauty.
How does that make me feel ? Small. Worthless. Ugly. Like I am not good enough. Like I am there to pass to the time. That I do not even mean anything to him.
So what is he doing ? Why be with someone when all you really want is to be with everyone else. I like him hell of a lot, I just wish he left me where he found me. I could deal with being his friend and him then leaving. Being my boyfriend and then leaving is much harder. The pain is much worse. I’ve already started to feel the pain, I have about 2 more months before he leaves, but I’m already starting to pain.
It’s just a summer fling I guess.
He will do his thing and I will do mine. My feelings for him get stronger everyday, but I am holding back, well I am trying, trying to not get too attached. I am expecting it, come the end of the season and I will be single.
Jobless and single. I am a sitting duck, waiting.
I hope that I am wrong and I am pleasently surprised, but I am sure on this one. He has come into my life to appreciate it more. To show me to enjoy my life and not to think and worry so much. He came into my life to save me at a bad time. He has done his job, so now he will leave, right ?
I am trying to figure out how this could work, but it always ends up the same. It wont.
I am enjoying my summer loving and so is he. I just wish the summer would never end.