Open Book

I fear rejection

I fear being alone

I fear the dark

I fear being taken advantage off

I have trust issues

I care too much even if I say or show I don’t

I have social anxiety

I have a very bad temper

I have nightmares

I have not always been loyal

I have lied a lot

I am very bitter

I stress too much

I was in a very bad place for a long time

I feel trapped

I hate expressing myself

I hate being let down

I hate being lied to

I’ve used people

I never swear in front of my family

I wonder what it feels to drive off a cliff

I like my own company

I hate feeling suffocated

I get bored of people easily

I have a attitude

I hated myself for a long time

I blame myself for everything

I nearly got married

I’ve been pregnant

I’m in denial

I can play the violin

I love to read and draw and sing and dance

I never believe in myself

I lost myself a long time ago

I had a large group of friends which I lost

I run away from my problems

I used to be more fun loud crazy happy

I used to enjoy walking

When I’m angry/stressed I clean walk or drive

I judge people too quickly

I give people too many chances

I cry myself to sleep

I see sharing as being weak and vulnerable

I never have favourites

I never make decisions

I believe everything happens for a reason

I don’t fully enjoy my job

People usually think I’m a bitch on first meetings

I have been a bitch a huge horrible bitch

I’ve learnt a lot from my mistakes

I don’t like to hurt people

I like to be in charge

I hate doing things first time

I have felt worthless for a long time

I’ve always been shy

I want to see the beauty of the world

I like to be independent

I hate carrying people

I feel very alone

I hate feeling needy

I’m not a jealous person

I try to be a better person daily

I don’t regret, I try to find a lesson in it

I wish I was more confident

Since moving country I feel invisible

I hate attention

I’m angry at myself for letting people get to me

I am good at pretending I am happy

 

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Am I crazy 

It’s been 3 years since I last saw him.

Why do I keep seeing him. The resemblance is so canny. It’s like he is haunting me after all this time.  Still.. 

My mind is playing games with me. Surely. I know these people are not him. In that split moment my heart sinks, my breathing stops and for a moment I’m frozen. As if it was him I just saw then realisation kicks in and I start to recompose myself. 

I need it to stop. 

I can guarantee that I am not effecting his life anymore but he still effects mine. My past ghosts won’t leave me alone.  I try to banish them in my head but some days it is worse. 

Before it all went wrong (end)

You’re probably wondering why I’m going through all my past relationships.  I’m trying to figure out how I became so broken. I’m trying to figure out how my relationships keep crashing and burning to the ground.

I’m starting to think maybe I’m picking all the wrong types of guys. The thing is relationships don’t work. Not all of them, you can’t be compatible with everyone you meet. You learn about them, see the good and the bad, and from there you fill in the slots.

I’ve realised, I haven’t had time to breathe. No time for myself. I have been too busy trying to make others happy,trying to find that ‘perfect’ relationship. 

Time out. For now I will concentrate on me. Let love find me.

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Before it all went wrong (part 5)

The next few months was a blur. 2014 I think it was. I was single and I wasn’t really looking for anything.  Just some fun.  So along came my ‘fun’ at the start it was all okay. I knew what he was like but I thought he had changed. I thought he was improving. I guess you could say it was all my fault. 

He used to take drugs, I knew that.  He used to sell drugs, I knew that.  He had a temper.  I knew all this but when I was with him I was told he didn’t do any of it anymore. I believed him, maybe he was telling the truth, but I have no idea what was true with him.

We dated for around 6 months. He was clingy, very clingy. We would hang out every single day at his house and some days I enjoyed it and others I just wanted to have some alone time. However if I said this he would cry.  He would cry because he thought I didn’t want to be with him. That wasn’t the case. Things started to change. I was becoming more fed up with him and he was lying. Lying about everything.  The stories he would tell me never made sense. At the time I thought nothing of it.

I remember looking back and everyone I went to leave him to come home,y car tyre was flat. I could never understand why. Now I’m starting to think It was him..

For my birthday he bought me expensive gifts , gifts he couldn’t afford. I was flattered but I felt bad , I knew I didn’t love him the way I did before, the feelings that I had just went. I thought having some space from him would work but he started to become obsessive. When I broke up with him it became worse. I started to found out the truth.

He would ring my work to see if I was there. He started to track my iPhone to find out where I was. He went through my phone when I didn’t have it with me. He would start rumours about me. He would break and scratch my car. He would scream and shout at me in the middle of the street.

He made me feel mentally and emotionally abused. I would confront him and he would deny it all, he was so convincing. I didn’t know what to believe.  For a while I thought maybe I’m being too hard on him, maybe it’s not him at all. I knew deep down it was. I was paranoid. I was petrified of him.

If he saw me with a guy friend he would run up to them and hit them. There was a time I was giving a lift to a guy friend home and my ex came running out of no where and started beating him up. I was so scared. I thought eventually he will come for me. To come hurt me.

No one really knew how bad it all was. I’ve never been so low. The hard part was pretending I was okay. Pretending it never got to me, it did. It ruined me. It ruined my trust.  It ruined relationships. It ruined my life.

All I can do is blame myself. Blame myself for being so blind and not seeing the signs. I never thought he would act out this way. Make me feel this way. I know I’m still affected by it , I know I always will be.

Before it all went wrong (part 4)

I spent weeks crying., figuring out what went wrong. Thing is boys don’t care, well they’re good at pretending to care, just to comfort you and to get close to you. Looking back I see that now. They just wanted me.

There was only one guy I truly used. I used him as my rebound.  I was embarrassed to say he was my boyfriend.  I just wanted him there when I needed him. I thank him for everything he done for me. He was my rock. When I was falling apart he was always there to pick up them pieces. Every time I had a problem I would go to him to help.  To fix me all over again. He wasn’t fixing me, I just thought he was. He was just there to mask it all up.

I wish I didn’t treat him the way I did. I shouldn’t have used him. I knew he loved me and I kept throwing it in his face. I loved him as my friend. I loved him because he made me feel special.  That’s all I ever wanted was to feel special.

Before it all went wrong (part 3)

Finally out of school and into college. College boys ? No. No college boys.  I got a part time job and that’s where I got boys.  Too many boys. It all went down hill from here.

2012. 17 now.

It was my first day and all eyes on me. The new girl. With the oversized uniform. The first guy who was interested in me was .. amazing.  It’s the only way I can describe him. He was so sweet. So cute. He was a year older than me. I was crazy about it. I fell so hard.

We dated for around 3 months. I’m not going to lie it was amazing. I remember all the good times and I couldn’t believe how hard I fell in love with him. I didn’t think it was possible. Everything about him was perfect for me. He was just .. perfect.  However, our relationship wasn’t.  We were young and he had his priorities.  His family , friends, football, I came last. I knew that.

I think about him sometimes , not as much as I used too. I think it’s been since last year that I truly got over him. He was always there, everytime I got into a new relationship he would want to meet up again.  It’s like his timing was perfectly awful. The worse thing is, I would have dropped anyone I was with for him. I know that’s wrong. I know that’s not fair. I couldn’t help it, it’s like he had a spell over me. I hated how weak I was around him.

The thing is he didn’t want me, not really. He just wanted to know if he could have me. If I was still holding on, which I was. I always was. 

We still speak now and again, sometimes he will message me about the past. Always the past,  things we shared, which is nice but also sad, sad that we couldn’t make it work.

I don’t regret getting to know him, it’s just a shame that he never loved me the way I loved him. I was hurt, heartbroken.   So I dealt with it in the worse way ..