Stop what you are doing and just close your eyes.
Do you hear that?
That’s your breath, feeling your chest rise and fall. Air entering your lungs. Slowly feeling your body relax.
We are alive.
All of us.
We are one. We all breathe, we all think, we all feel. We are all the same.
not looks wise, or personality wise. We don’t even have the same opinions or thoughts, but we are the same. We are all one mind, one body, one soul.
Why don’t we help one another, be kind to one another, love one another. Pick each other up, see the pain others feel, Sympathise.
We pass thousands of people everyday and we don’t even look. We don’t want to, we are all too consumed with ourselves that we don’t want to see the suffering of others, only ourselves.
But ! Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could help each other out, hold each others hands and live in harmony. Picking not only ourselves up but others also.
How wonderful our world would be if we truly were one.
I really thought I had everything until control.
The truth is.
I am a mess and I keep going to the wrong guys, I am looking for comfort and answers within them. I am the answer. Not them.
Last night I met with Mr.Fireman. I had fun with him and he is a really nice guy but I have feelings for another guy, my ‘fuck buddy’ a guy that I can’t have, a guy that isn’t right for me. While all this is going on I am missing my ex like crazy. I am so tired of starting new with all these guys and going nowhere. Something is missing from them all. Maybe something is missing from me. I am not ready but I need someone. I want someone.
I have the perfect image in my head and everyday it seems to get further and further away from ever coming true. I keep settling for ok. I keep giving chances when I should just walk away. I keep repeating the same pattern and expecting something different to be the outcome. Stupid. Totally stupid.
I want to run away. I want to switch my phone off. Go to the top of the mountain and watch the view. Alone. I want to be totally alone. Where no one can reach me. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to even pretend anymore. I don’t want to explain why.
I just want peace inside my head. While I am here I am not finding any. While I continue to do what I am doing, I never will find any.
My favourite thing ever is listening to the rain hit of my window. It’s so therapeutic. I find peace, tranquillity and joy from the rain.
Right this moment as I write this, I am sitting inside my car, listening to the only and only Queen as the rain hits of every part of my car, dancing to the best.
In this moment. I’m in love with the world. I’m even in love with my own company.
Can I just take a moment to just scream.
I want to stand on top of a mountain, alone, with the sun setting, birds singing, watching the city below and just scream.
Scream at the top of my lungs. Scream until I have nothing left. I want to scream out all my pain, all my memories.
I want to scream till my throat hurts till I have no energy left and I crumble to the floor. I want to hear the silence after the storm, to feel free and empty, to watch the world grow darker and the sky shine brighter. To watch the moon, and see the magic in the stars and wish for nothing simplier.