Love

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to love someone this much. I don’t think you have any idea how much it hurts when you say you want to go home. To leave this all behind. You have no idea how disturbed my system becomes when you tell me this, how my chest starts to ache and my throat starts to swell. Every day I’m preparing myself for the worse and I tell myself ‘it is for the best’

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. For this situation I’m not so sure. If you was going to come into my life to just leave me behind with heart break then what was the reason? To learn what ? To feel what ? Pain ? I have already felt a whole bundle of pain so why give me more.

I’m thinking everyday a way I could make you stay but the truth is, I can’t. You have your family, your friends,all your favourite places back home.What do you have here?

Me.

Just me. That’s not a good enough reason to stay. You can miss one person much easier than you can miss 10. If he goes home that’s the end. I won’t be able to even hear his name.

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One year

So a few weeks ago was out first anniversy. Our first year together..  what a year it has been. We have had our ups and downs, fights and make ups. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bad cos then it wouldn’t have made out year. 

I’m not quite sure how we have managed to put up with one another for even this long. This is my longest relationship to date. And I hope we will continue to break that record.

Happy ever after …

I always dreamed of finding my prince charming. Maybe I watched too many princess stories when I was younger. All ending with a happy ever after. 

It’s all a lie. There is no prince charming, no perfect man and definitely no happy ending. 

I remember when I was younger having this idea of a perfect guy in my mind, how we would meet, what he would look like, how he would act, even down to how he would hold me. During my dating years I have found no such man but when I look at every other girl it seems like they have exactly that. Everyone else seems to have their prince charming. 

I want a simple life, a simple relationship but all I do is get myself into such complicated messes.  I don’t want to feel any more pain. I have been the nice one, I have also been the mean one and they all end the same. I try to change myself for others but why ? I should find someone who is going to accept me the good and the bad, the days where I am the worse and the days I’m the best.  

I just have to be patient keep on waiting for ‘the one’ to come along, if they ever come. 

Weak

I feel so small sometimes. So invisible. So scared. So weak. 

He don’t get it. I believe he never will get it. We have complete different thought tracks on the world, on everything. I wonder how we are together, how we even got this far. 

I’ve never cared for a guy like this before and I understand why I get so upset and hurt when he says or does certain things. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just ignore it or just take it like ‘whatever’ but I can’t.  Instead I sit on it for days, thinking and thinking, ‘why?’ 

I don’t want to analysis everything he says and does. But it gets to me and eats at me for days. Sometimes longer. 

It don’t  help that I can’t speak. Everytime I open my mouth to explain, I choke on every word. When I finally find the courage to say something it comes out completely wrong. 

I was better at this, I know I was stronger. I lost myself and I thought I found myself again, but I didn’t, I haven’t.  I’m still lost.  I try so hard to fix the pieces back again but my mind isn’t cclea enough to even see them. 

Anxious 

Tight chest… deep breathing.  Sweating… confusion.  Watery eyes … my anxiety is playing up. 

I should be happy, happy that my boyfriend will stay here but I can’t help but feel scared and worried. I can’t pin point exactly what it is that is bothering me. I feel so overwhelmed. So useless. I’ve been even thinking of leaving him, but why ? I love him. He makes me happy. I feel like something is wrong.  As if something is being hid from me. 

I think being apart from him isn’t helping, unable to see him the last week due to the lack of a car. Knowing he will be in Greece for 10 days and when he comes home I will be in UK for 2 weeks. 

We see eeach other daily, to not see him for such long time, it is starting to make me question my feelings and even his. Maybe he will realise he don’t miss me so much as he thought, maybe I won’t miss him as much as I thought. 

I am overthinking. over analysing.  I have so much running through my mind it isn’t even making any sense to me. A whole load of confusion. 

100% Happy

What more can I ask for. This ‘summer fling’ is turning into love. 

I know ! It’s crazy. I have truly never felt like this before. It’s a feeling that I can’t explain. It’s ny body and mind doing crazy things to me. When I am with him, I can feel my heart beating all around my body. I just want to smile constantly. When I look at him, my breath is taken away. Even when I just think about him my world is spinning. I can’t explain it. It’s the strangest feeling I have ever felt. 

However, I can not tell him. I dont’t know how, I don’t know if there is any reason to tell him I am falling in love with him? How do you explain something like that ? Where do you even start ? 

I have doubted his feelings for a very long time, but now I know. I know he likes me .. yes like. I want him to love me, of course, but if he don’t, I am okay with that. As long as I am who he wants to be with. For how long ? I don’t know.

Full moon. Palm trees. The waves splashing. Sand in his feet. Holding onto me. Staring into my eyes. He looked around him, looked at me and said with a smile and a nod 

‘yes, I am 100% happy’ 

100% happy. The words are ringing in my head since. I remember feeling the strange sensation all over my body. Like I was on fire. I felt my heart like it was going to just explode. At that point I wanted to say one thing and one thing only. I am falling in love with you. 

But no words came out. I was frozen in that spot with a huge smile on my face saying in my head over and over I love you so much it is crazy