What I want

I know what I want.

I guess I always knew what I wanted I just didn’t admit to it yet.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to go on dates with, to share all my problems, someone to hold me and make me feel complete.

I don’t have that. I had it. Not anymore.

All I have now is a fuck buddy. I am just a booty call. Whatever the hell we call it. It’s my first time doing this and a part of me hates it, another part enjoys it, but I only enjoy my time when I’m with him. The moment I get home I feel.. dirty? Actually no, I feel incomplete. I am missing everything else that comes with sex.

I’m stuck between passing my time with a guy to just have sex. Or dropping him and just be alone. He is a good guy and I know I will miss him, but is that enough. No. I need to find a guy that wants me for me. A guy that don’t want to change anything about me. The problem is I can’t find one.

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Let’s get it on ..

We kissed ! Finally Mr fireman kissed me.

We went for a walk, we were flirting, laughing and then .. BAM we kissed.

I am very excited about him. He seems different. He seems like a nice guy. But.. yes there is a but, I am not sure. I am always not sure, with every guy I date I am not sure, I just give them a chance. You can’t know someone after 3 dates.

My other problem .. my fuck buddy. I have told him I want more than sex and he has been okay with it, however.. last night he messaged me , telling me he missed me, that he don’t want to loose me and how he wants to see my one last time. What does he want from me!? He wants everything but nothing. I am attracted to him so much but we want different things and I can’t continue like this.

I want to make it work with Mr. Fireman.. I want to see if it will work. I’m excited about him, about us.

Relationships 

As I look around I see so many beautiful people, good people and they are single. And not only are they single but they are in there 30s and I wonder are they happy this way.

I always thought I would find ‘the one’ at a young age and we would stay together. I didn’t think I had to worry about time running out. Nowadays we are all too scared to commit. We want to live the single lifestyle. It comes to a point where that expires. 

For me I want children. I want a husband, a home. I want to be sure I’m with the right person, okay I guess you can never be 100% sure, but still. I want to know the guy for a while. In a few weeks I’m 23. I’m single. I have no potential partners anywhere. The guys I do meet don’t want relationships, they just want fun. Even the older ones. 

I know I’m young but that don’t stop me wanting more. I’ve always wanted relationships. Not just flings. I’m a committed to you kind of girl. So what I’m doing now with this ‘fuck buddy’  it isn’t me. It don’t suit me. I’ve got so lonely that I’m just going with it now, it’s going to take some time but eventually I think I will snap, I will get fed up of feeling used and it’s not his fault. It’s mine. I agreed to this, he isn’t forcing me. 

I just wish the time would slow down. 

Love

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to love someone this much. I don’t think you have any idea how much it hurts when you say you want to go home. To leave this all behind. You have no idea how disturbed my system becomes when you tell me this, how my chest starts to ache and my throat starts to swell. Every day I’m preparing myself for the worse and I tell myself ‘it is for the best’

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. For this situation I’m not so sure. If you was going to come into my life to just leave me behind with heart break then what was the reason? To learn what ? To feel what ? Pain ? I have already felt a whole bundle of pain so why give me more.

I’m thinking everyday a way I could make you stay but the truth is, I can’t. You have your family, your friends,all your favourite places back home.What do you have here?

Me.

Just me. That’s not a good enough reason to stay. You can miss one person much easier than you can miss 10. If he goes home that’s the end. I won’t be able to even hear his name.

One year

So a few weeks ago was out first anniversy. Our first year together..  what a year it has been. We have had our ups and downs, fights and make ups. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bad cos then it wouldn’t have made out year. 

I’m not quite sure how we have managed to put up with one another for even this long. This is my longest relationship to date. And I hope we will continue to break that record.