Let’s get it on ..

We kissed ! Finally Mr fireman kissed me.

We went for a walk, we were flirting, laughing and then .. BAM we kissed.

I am very excited about him. He seems different. He seems like a nice guy. But.. yes there is a but, I am not sure. I am always not sure, with every guy I date I am not sure, I just give them a chance. You can’t know someone after 3 dates.

My other problem .. my fuck buddy. I have told him I want more than sex and he has been okay with it, however.. last night he messaged me , telling me he missed me, that he don’t want to loose me and how he wants to see my one last time. What does he want from me!? He wants everything but nothing. I am attracted to him so much but we want different things and I can’t continue like this.

I want to make it work with Mr. Fireman.. I want to see if it will work. I’m excited about him, about us.



As I look around I see so many beautiful people, good people and they are single. And not only are they single but they are in there 30s and I wonder are they happy this way.

I always thought I would find ‘the one’ at a young age and we would stay together. I didn’t think I had to worry about time running out. Nowadays we are all too scared to commit. We want to live the single lifestyle. It comes to a point where that expires. 

For me I want children. I want a husband, a home. I want to be sure I’m with the right person, okay I guess you can never be 100% sure, but still. I want to know the guy for a while. In a few weeks I’m 23. I’m single. I have no potential partners anywhere. The guys I do meet don’t want relationships, they just want fun. Even the older ones. 

I know I’m young but that don’t stop me wanting more. I’ve always wanted relationships. Not just flings. I’m a committed to you kind of girl. So what I’m doing now with this ‘fuck buddy’  it isn’t me. It don’t suit me. I’ve got so lonely that I’m just going with it now, it’s going to take some time but eventually I think I will snap, I will get fed up of feeling used and it’s not his fault. It’s mine. I agreed to this, he isn’t forcing me. 

I just wish the time would slow down. 


I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to love someone this much. I don’t think you have any idea how much it hurts when you say you want to go home. To leave this all behind. You have no idea how disturbed my system becomes when you tell me this, how my chest starts to ache and my throat starts to swell. Every day I’m preparing myself for the worse and I tell myself ‘it is for the best’

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. For this situation I’m not so sure. If you was going to come into my life to just leave me behind with heart break then what was the reason? To learn what ? To feel what ? Pain ? I have already felt a whole bundle of pain so why give me more.

I’m thinking everyday a way I could make you stay but the truth is, I can’t. You have your family, your friends,all your favourite places back home.What do you have here?


Just me. That’s not a good enough reason to stay. You can miss one person much easier than you can miss 10. If he goes home that’s the end. I won’t be able to even hear his name.

One year

So a few weeks ago was out first anniversy. Our first year together..  what a year it has been. We have had our ups and downs, fights and make ups. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bad cos then it wouldn’t have made out year. 

I’m not quite sure how we have managed to put up with one another for even this long. This is my longest relationship to date. And I hope we will continue to break that record.

Happy ever after …

I always dreamed of finding my prince charming. Maybe I watched too many princess stories when I was younger. All ending with a happy ever after. 

It’s all a lie. There is no prince charming, no perfect man and definitely no happy ending. 

I remember when I was younger having this idea of a perfect guy in my mind, how we would meet, what he would look like, how he would act, even down to how he would hold me. During my dating years I have found no such man but when I look at every other girl it seems like they have exactly that. Everyone else seems to have their prince charming. 

I want a simple life, a simple relationship but all I do is get myself into such complicated messes.  I don’t want to feel any more pain. I have been the nice one, I have also been the mean one and they all end the same. I try to change myself for others but why ? I should find someone who is going to accept me the good and the bad, the days where I am the worse and the days I’m the best.  

I just have to be patient keep on waiting for ‘the one’ to come along, if they ever come.