Emotions

I don’t want to feel things.

Not for You, not for anyone.

I’m tired of feeling and not recieving the feelings back.

I know I’m a good person . I know I would give you my world. So why won’t you let me.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t like who I’ve become. Having sex just for fun.

I want more. I want hugs and kisses, I want to be held as I fall asleep In your arms. I want to talk about the moon and the stars. I want to be able to call you whenever I need you and know you’ll be there for me.

I want a prince. He don’t need to be perfect. He just needs to be the other half of me.

I’m deleting people from my life like I am throwing away trash, but it’s too late when I’m searching that trash can at 3 in the morning wanting your attention.

But it’s too late. You would have moved on because I am nothing to you but just a piece of arse.

That’s what hurts the most. The way I care for you, will never be the same returned.

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Date 2

Update on Mr. Fireman !

So, we went on another date. I have so much fun with him, I don’t think I have ever laughed so much on a date. He is so much fun, and damn he is cute. I can see myself really falling for him, that scares me a little bit but not in a crazy way, which is good.

He is doing and saying all the right things. He showed me the stars and offered to cook me dinner. I’ve never really had a guy that has wanted to know my soul so deeply.

So date one he hardly touched me. Date two, he was touching me more, my hand, leg, pushing my hair away from my face.

At the end of the night, we hugged, he grabbed my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. Yes. My forehead. I was a little disappointed, well unexpected. Any ‘date’ I’ve ever been on, they always kiss on the first or at least second date.

I think that maybe he wants to take things slow, I have no problem with that. I just want to kiss him already !

I’m just hoping that he does like me, he is showing me he does but you never know. Maybe he is being a gentleman, I have no idea. If date 3 and still no kiss then I need answers.

Date time

So I went on another date.

He is a fire fighter. 28 years old. Cute. Funny. Sweet. A Gentleman.

He drove 40mins to meet me, we went for coffee. I really enjoyed his company. Yes I was nervous. I’m always nervous meeting new people. He was, well he is, different. A little crazy but in a good way and I believe we are on the same page. From what I understand he is looking for a girlfriend, not just a fling. And well, I’m looking for the same thing, I’m a relationship kinda girl.

Here is the problem. I’m not sure. Like every guy I have dated I have not been 100% sure with them, but I’ve always given it a chance and it always never works. I’m starting think maybe you need to be 100% sure on someone for them to be ‘the one’ but then again maybe not, I am be wrong and usually I am.

I don’t think I’ve felt this way in a long time. Not even with my ex. This feeling is something else, something I haven’t fully felt in a long time. I feel hopeful.

Don’t go..

‘I don’t want to lose you’

But .. yet you will leave.

I get it I do, I understand it has been difficult and he wants to go home, he believes he has it all figured out, I hope he does but I really don’t think he does.

I am lost, confused, broken. All I want is for him to be happy, for him to be happy I have to sacrifice my own happiness. I am tired, I am tired of sacrificing for others, for once I want someone to sacrifice themselves for me. Is it too much ?

We can work, I believe if he loves me, we can work. But you see, that’s the problem, he don’t. We have got this far, and I don’t believe it is the end for us. I don’t want to believe it is the end.

I finally said goodbye, for some reason he will not accept it. He is fighting with himself, I know it. Maybe I am making it harder for him, but, what can I do. Continue to act like everything is fine? Pretend I am happy? I am dying from the inside, as if I am being beaten. I can not control my emotions, I feel so much stress, I feel so weak so useless. I can’t go on. I have to let go.

Try

Maybe that is all what it comes down to.

Him, not wanting to even try. I haven’t asked, I’m not sure I even want to know the answer if I ask him to try. I’m not sure if it’s the right time. If it would be possible.

Every day and every night. I feel a huge weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, I feel my eyes heavy and my heart aching.

For my birthday he bought me a gift, a heart and key necklace and since the day I put it on, I never took it off. Two days ago I done that, I removed it and every now and again I am reaching for it, but it isn’t there, just like he wont be. I removed our pictures, slowly I will try, not saying I will succeed but I’ll try to remove him from my mind at least. I know I will never remove him from my heart.

Even the thought of having sex with him, I can not. All I can think is in a few months he may be touching someone else this way and I feel sick. Physically sick. I know people move on, we need to move on to go forward. It don’t stop the pain. It don’t stop me feeling wrong. I want to enjoy our last days together but I can’t. I have so many crazy stories running thru my mind and It will get worse. When he will finally go that is when it will hit me hard. I will be totally alone and I can’t run to him, I won’t know anything. He will be home distracted, forgotten about me.

I need to ask him to try. To at least try to make it work.

Game over

I have my coffee, I have a computer that don’t lag, I am alone and ready to tell you whats new.

Well, I don’t think what I am about to say is going to be much of a surprise to anyone who has been reading and following, but it’s GAME OVER.

2nd player has logged off.

Well actually I would say I was the 2nd player, so lets say 1st player completely hit shut down. Not literally I guess.

He made a choice to leave, to go home to his country and I have to accept it. Will he have a better life there? No. He has NO life their. However he will come back, only for the season. So for 6 months he will be here and for the rest he will be home, home sweet fucking home.

I am mad. I can’t hid that, I am sad, for sure I am sad. I don’t know which feeling is stronger, the anger or the hurt, I guess they’re the same.

I fell again, as always I fall. No fault of my own. I start to imagine a wonderful life, a life that only happens in fairy tales. A life I guess I am not deserving of. But once again, I am alone, once again I will fall into the arms of the wrong guy, maybe more than one wrong guy and I will regret it, just the way I’ve regretted many other aspects of my life.

I truly believed I was done with searching for ‘the one’ I thought I was ready, ready to hold onto this one guy.

After 16 months of pure bliss, its done. I have no say in it. I can’t change his mind, I can’t do anything but to sit around and watch the world, my world, crash down around me, allowing the earth to chew me up and spit me out, that is if i’m lucky enough.

I have one month left with him here. He will leave November, but I’m letting go now. I decided to let go now. Last night I told him, I told him I don’t want to see him anymore cos I can’t bare it. I am so excited to meet with him everyday but when I’m with him I feel like I am drowning, all I see is him walking away from me and my mood changes, I can’t enjoy the moment, I can’t enjoy anything actually.

But…. being him. He refused. Funny that, how can you try to dump someone and they refuse it? I am not so sure either how. All I know is that some how he refused to accept what I was saying, he told me, yes told me that we will meet. It seemed more like an order actually, but not in a bad way. It was as if I saw something, his pain ? I’m not sure what exactly, but he cares, I see that, but I don’t need that if he isn’t going to be with me.

It’s not possible for our relationship to work, I believe, actually I know he won’t try to make it work.

So, now I am here, expressing everything before I totally explode. Maybe what I’ve wrote makes no sense at all, maybe I’m just rambling on but I need to tell someone my story, even If I am only writing to myself.

I have a decision to make right now, actually in the next 2 hours I need to have made it. Either I go to see him tonight and we talk, or I go home. Avoid him completely, his calls, texts, everything. I know what I want to do but I also know that my initial choice is the wrong one. Going to see him is going to make this a whole lot harder, it’s going to hurt to watch him pack away his things, walking away from me, getting on that plane while I sit awake every night crying, wondering, imaging him with everyone but me. Analyzing every moment we spent together, every touch, kiss, laugh, smile.

Avoiding him? Okay, It is not the best option either, but least I won’t have to say goodbye.