Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Who gave you the right to decide who lives or dies.
Why did you open fire on all these innocent lives.
Screaming and shouting as if you’ve got a right.
Leaving them breathless as it makes you feel alive. 
Watching them cry, seeing fear in there eyes.
When did the world become such a tragic place.
Feeling pain in our hearts every single day.
We are a disgusting human race.

When will it all stop ? When will the world find peace and sanity?
Evil thoughts and evil minds spreading through the world like a plague.

Before it all went wrong (part 6)

After a year of torture. I moved to another country. In a way I ran away. At first I was still scared. Until I realised no one can get to me.

I started looking for company. It’s lonely with no friends and no one to talk to. I started up Tinder. Honestly I was just looking for people to talk to.

 I matched with this one guy in paticular. He looked cute. We started to speak. We spoke ever day, at the time he was studying in UK so we would Skype each other and speak everyday. We got to know each other pretty well. Told each other everything. I was worried about meeting him, I was worried that I wasn’t going to be good enough. Worried that maybe he wouldn’t like me in person.

It was perfect. We met and it was like I knew him forever. I know I was holding a part of me back because I was scared he wouldn’t like it. He was a sensitive guy, he took everything personal.  I’m quite fiery and I can snap, so I held back, a lot. 

We dated for 4 months. I have never cried so much in 4 months of my life. His parents didn’t like me.  We lived far from one another. He lost his trust towards me. He hated boys talking to me, and every time they did I would report to him. Thinking now it was stupid. He wanted to know but it only made him mad. It annoyed me when he acted this way but I never allowed him to see that. I didn’t want him to see that. I knew if he saw that side of me he wouldn’t want me.

The things I done for him were stupid.  I became so submissive. I feel In love with this boy so hard and I didn’t want to let him go. He was my drug. I never knew what people meant before but now I do. I would have done anything for him to be in my life.  I deleted all my old friends on Facebook.  I changed my mobile number. I done whatever he wanted. Even though he didn’t ask straight up, I knew that’s what he wanted me to do. So I did it. 

After we broke up I realised, I realised he wouldn’t have done any of that for me. He had an ex. They broke up 5 years ago and everyday she would ring him. Call him. Text him. Sometimes he would answer.  I asked him why and he gave me silly answers. Eventually he blocked her. Only because I forced him, which I shouldn’t of have had done.

I’m the type of girl that needs space. It’s not because I don’t love someone or want to be with them. Sometimes we need to be alone to just breathe. I couldn’t breathe with him. If I took too long texting him back he would complain. If I wouldn’t open up and talk about my feelings he would get annoyed. Even if I did open up and explain my feelings he would still get annoyed. Sometimes it was like he never really knew me, which now I realise he didn’t.  We were too different. He never accepted my flaws. He never would because he had an idea of this perfect girl who isn’t me.

It still hurts. When I think about him. When I see something that reminds me of him. My throat swells. My eyes sting. My chest aches. Sometimes wishing there was something I could have done to fix things.  Wishing sometimes that I was a different person.

For the love of animals

So I have been living in Cyprus now for nearly a year. I have never seen so many stray dogs roaming the streets ! Cats being neglected.  How can people be so cruel. 
I love animals, all animals and fair enough if you do not like animals, but to treat them in such disgusting way is horrible ! It’s horrible to see and watch.  I have worked in a shelter for a while and the stories I hear and the things I see. It’s awful !
These animals are so innocent and they get abused. Boxed up.  Thrown on the motor way. Kicked out the car. Tied up and left to starve.
There are some good people out there who open shelters and care for these animals, but there is only so much people can do. To top it all off the government decided to close down these shelters ! They don’t want to pay for them! It’s a disgrace. Dogs can not fend for themselves.
I hate seeing dead animals on the side of the road. Seeing dogs roaming around skinny , diseased, sad, just looking for love !
It breaks my heart to see how cruel people can be and people Continue to misuse these animals, breeding them to make money. Greed. Greed is an awful thing. 
I just wish more can be done. How I wish so bad.