Today is not a good day for me.
I’ve woke up very emotional. Today I miss him, okay every day I miss him but today something hit me harder than most days.
I’m not sure what it is but I can’t stop the tears. I cant even talk to anyone.
It’s just me pretending everything is okay. That I am dealing with everything fine. People always say that time is a healer. With time things will get easier,you’ll hurt less. It’s not true. Yes time helps but not always, not so much.
I feel so disconnected to the world, to him, to myself. I’m so lost.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to love someone this much. I don’t think you have any idea how much it hurts when you say you want to go home. To leave this all behind. You have no idea how disturbed my system becomes when you tell me this, how my chest starts to ache and my throat starts to swell. Every day I’m preparing myself for the worse and I tell myself ‘it is for the best’
I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. For this situation I’m not so sure. If you was going to come into my life to just leave me behind with heart break then what was the reason? To learn what ? To feel what ? Pain ? I have already felt a whole bundle of pain so why give me more.
I’m thinking everyday a way I could make you stay but the truth is, I can’t. You have your family, your friends,all your favourite places back home.What do you have here?
Just me. That’s not a good enough reason to stay. You can miss one person much easier than you can miss 10. If he goes home that’s the end. I won’t be able to even hear his name.
Maybe that is all what it comes down to.
Him, not wanting to even try. I haven’t asked, I’m not sure I even want to know the answer if I ask him to try. I’m not sure if it’s the right time. If it would be possible.
Every day and every night. I feel a huge weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, I feel my eyes heavy and my heart aching.
For my birthday he bought me a gift, a heart and key necklace and since the day I put it on, I never took it off. Two days ago I done that, I removed it and every now and again I am reaching for it, but it isn’t there, just like he wont be. I removed our pictures, slowly I will try, not saying I will succeed but I’ll try to remove him from my mind at least. I know I will never remove him from my heart.
Even the thought of having sex with him, I can not. All I can think is in a few months he may be touching someone else this way and I feel sick. Physically sick. I know people move on, we need to move on to go forward. It don’t stop the pain. It don’t stop me feeling wrong. I want to enjoy our last days together but I can’t. I have so many crazy stories running thru my mind and It will get worse. When he will finally go that is when it will hit me hard. I will be totally alone and I can’t run to him, I won’t know anything. He will be home distracted, forgotten about me.
I need to ask him to try. To at least try to make it work.
I must ask myself at least 10 times a day… ‘but.. why?’
Why do I feel sad?
Why do I feel pain?
Why do I hate myself so much?
Why am I so scared?
Why am I so emotionally insecure?
When I feel a certain why I ask myself … ‘but..why?’ cos I have no true reason, I have no true pain, or do I?
I know I have been through shit in my life and it hasn’t been easy, but people have been through worse, miles worse. Yet I still feel sorry for myself. You wouldn’t think it, I am good, actually I am a master of hiding my pain, my fear, basically my feelings. In a way its good, on the other hand I closed myself up so much that I am also a master of hiding love, compassion and care.
You see when you become good at something you become good in all aspects. Even in the way you don’t want it to be.
I am so angry.
I am a very understanding person. I trust easily, I give so many chances and yet I feel that people just continue to take advantage.
So , the story begins.
Lets go back about a month ago, a new girl started working with my boyfriend and he befriended her. They would go for walks, or the beach, after work to chill out. Somewhere along the way someone obviously saw them together, put two and two together and made three.
The girl got fired and is now working in the same hotel as I am. One other colleague asked him about this girl and how she is, she made a reference about them being more than just friends! Now my boyfriend was telling me this over the phone. I was so mad with him, I was mad with him because he made people believe that he would do such a thing to me, he made people believe that I am a fool. I understand the world is full of gossip, however I will not accept being made a fool of, by anyone, no matter how big or small.
I started to wonder if he done anything to make people actually say this thing. How dare they, how dare he. When I tried to explain to him why I was mad, he dismissed me, to say that these people are insignificant, and yes, they are, but it makes no difference to how i feel about the situation.
I shouldn’t be mad at him I know this, but I can’t help but believe it is his fault.
What do you guys think? Am I over-reacting?