Oh wait does that mean I have to just smile as if everything is okay.
There was 5 of us.. I didn’t want to go, I knew it was a bad idea. And yet I still went despite my guts. It was his birthday , the fuck boys birthday, let’s say we are friends.. He is more friends with my friend so I guess that’s why I was invited along.
They all spoke in the one language I don’t know. All. Night. Long. I felt so left out and alone, I wasn’t part of their group, I wanted to so badly to dissappear and never be seen again. Generally I am shy, I keep myself to myself, the serious type until you get to really know me. Then I am a little crazy. When I’m in an uncomfortable situation I completely close up. I wanted to cry. I felt completely invisible.
I was mad with my 2 friends, the others I didn’t know so well, so I didn’t care. They knew me and still they didn’t include me, after telling them more than once they just brushed me off like whatever.
Yesterday he came to me and asked me if I enjoyed my evening I had to explain again I felt unwanted and uncomfortable and instead to apologise he had the audacity to tell me to just not come.
As if I am nothing.
It’s easier to not invite the stupid English girl along than to speak a language everyone knows.
I haven’t felt this alone for a long time and here I am again wondering why, why am I alone.
Shadows settle on the place that you left
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness
Destroy the middle, it’s a waste of time
From the perfect start to the finish line
And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones
Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong
We are the reckless, we are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day, we’ll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there
And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones
‘Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone
We’re setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home
It was a flood that wrecked this home
Yesterday I was on a high, a total high. I felt so happy, so good, I laughed a lot.
I feel like I just want to cry my eyes out, from the moment I woke up I felt like shit. How is it possible to flip my mood so quick.
I feel an ache in my chest, in my heart, in my brain. Everywhere. I feel stressed,, alone, sad.
I am alone, I have all these people around me but the one that I really want attention from don’t give it to me. He don’t want me and I am trying so hard to not want him, but when I look into his eyes, I die.
Spending time with him makes it worse, our personalities they compliment each other, maybe we are not good for each other, but that don’t stop me wanting to try. I just want a chance, nothing more.
I used to write a lot.
I used to read.
I used to sing.
I used to draw.
Now? Now I am a body without a soul. Without any meaning.
Disconnected from everything and everyone.
Surrounded by people but still alone.
Loved by many but still alone.
Something is missing.
I need help.
I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.
I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.
I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.
I give up. I give up.
Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.
My safe place.
Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.
I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.
I really thought I had everything until control.
The truth is.
I am a mess and I keep going to the wrong guys, I am looking for comfort and answers within them. I am the answer. Not them.
Last night I met with Mr.Fireman. I had fun with him and he is a really nice guy but I have feelings for another guy, my ‘fuck buddy’ a guy that I can’t have, a guy that isn’t right for me. While all this is going on I am missing my ex like crazy. I am so tired of starting new with all these guys and going nowhere. Something is missing from them all. Maybe something is missing from me. I am not ready but I need someone. I want someone.
I have the perfect image in my head and everyday it seems to get further and further away from ever coming true. I keep settling for ok. I keep giving chances when I should just walk away. I keep repeating the same pattern and expecting something different to be the outcome. Stupid. Totally stupid.
I want to run away. I want to switch my phone off. Go to the top of the mountain and watch the view. Alone. I want to be totally alone. Where no one can reach me. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to even pretend anymore. I don’t want to explain why.
I just want peace inside my head. While I am here I am not finding any. While I continue to do what I am doing, I never will find any.