Gimmie More

I’m really scared of you. Honestly. You seem like such a nice guy and that’s what worries me. I’m scared to open up to you and I dont want to brand you together with the others but I can’t help it. I’ve been with guys that I knew who they were and they still betrayed me, even after all the ‘I love yous’. So now you’re stranger. I don’t know you. I know nothing about you. And that makes me even more scared.

The problem is we have an argrement right? Only sex. No relationship. The problem is I am starting to like you more than I should. I don’t even know how to tell you. I’m so scared that I will ruin what we have. At the moment I am okay with what we have but I know over time I will want more from you. Maybe it is best to stop this now, before it gets too complaicated.

Why does everything have to be so so complicated. What happened to boy meets girl. Happy ever after. Can we just go back to the days there was happy ever after. Please?

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Relationships 

As I look around I see so many beautiful people, good people and they are single. And not only are they single but they are in there 30s and I wonder are they happy this way.

I always thought I would find ‘the one’ at a young age and we would stay together. I didn’t think I had to worry about time running out. Nowadays we are all too scared to commit. We want to live the single lifestyle. It comes to a point where that expires. 

For me I want children. I want a husband, a home. I want to be sure I’m with the right person, okay I guess you can never be 100% sure, but still. I want to know the guy for a while. In a few weeks I’m 23. I’m single. I have no potential partners anywhere. The guys I do meet don’t want relationships, they just want fun. Even the older ones. 

I know I’m young but that don’t stop me wanting more. I’ve always wanted relationships. Not just flings. I’m a committed to you kind of girl. So what I’m doing now with this ‘fuck buddy’  it isn’t me. It don’t suit me. I’ve got so lonely that I’m just going with it now, it’s going to take some time but eventually I think I will snap, I will get fed up of feeling used and it’s not his fault. It’s mine. I agreed to this, he isn’t forcing me. 

I just wish the time would slow down. 

Fear within 

Why  should I be scared to walk alone at night?  Why should I be looking behind my shoulder while I wwalk?

Last night, after work I went for a walk. As the season is coming to a close there is not so many people around. 

For a very long time I was afraid to walk alone, afraid of the darkness, afraid of him. Last night I was so happy, I felt no fear inside me at all. I was stupid and wrong to feel that way. 

I think I have seen him before around, he looks familiar.  He started to talk to me, my first thought was he wanted to just get to know me, then I thought that he was going to rob me.. he wasn’t old.. late 20s, he was small, dark, his English was very bad. He started small talk as I walked towards my car, but then he was crossing the personal space boundary. While I was backing away he kept backing closer. He wanted to touch my hair.. then he started to pull at it, I got into my car, tried to close the door and he was blocking it… continuing to pull my hair out, smelling it, putting it in his pocket.  I could see his face change as I’m telling him to stop and go away. I could see he was getting angry, I never felt so scared, I didn’t know what to do at that point. He then sstarted  to ask for sex while pulling his dick out ! I was pulling and pulling at the door and he wouldn’t go away , he wouldn’t listen. Finally I thought and pressed my horn. he then stopped and  walked away. 

My whole body was shaking. I felt so sick. So sscared.  So angry.  So alone. 
I don’t want to feel this way, to feel so scared, to not be in control. 

I spent  a year  being scared , I spent a long time looking over my shoulder, wondering where he will come from next. I don’t want to feel like that ever again. I am so weak. I am so fragile. I hate myself for it. I hate that people  have the power to make me feel this way. 

I was scared of someone who ‘ loved’ me .. imagine what a stranger would do.

People wonder  why I am so cold. Why  I am not so friendly  with everyone. I am not anti social. I just have selective conversations. 

I am bored to hear the same shit. That the women that get attacked is because of what they’re wearing. That they provoke the man. That it is basically there fault to he walking alone in the dark. No. 

I was in my uniform. 19.30. Outside my Hotel where I work. In a large open space. Now tell me how it is my fault ? Tell me how I provoked this arsehole. We are not taken seriously. We are not protected. The sad thing is, there is nothing we can do. No woman or man can fix this world.Only  we can fix ourselves. 

Scared of the dark

It’s crazy right to be scared of the dark at this age.

I’m scared of the noises. I’m scared of the shadows. I’m scared of the darkness. 

I never used to be, I always saw myself as being strong, I was wrong.  I just was pretending to be strong.  Truth is I’m weak. So weak that the dark scares me.

Hard to speak

It’s always hard to open up to someone. It’s even harder opening up to someone about your haunted past.

‘It’s ruining our relationship’

He is not wrong.  I wish I could sit down and talk about it but I can’t. I choke.

It’s been 3 years since, but it feels like yesterday. I see everything so clearly in my mind. When I close my eyes I see his face and I panic. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

When I think about it, I panic. I freak. I feel like I’m losing my mind all over again. I never faced my problem, I just pushed it away. Where I thought it wouldn’t hurt me no more.

To be betrayed and abused in a relationship is the hardest thing to figure out. I spent days and nights trying to figure out why, the truth is that there is no why.

I became a monster to protect myself from any repetition, along the way I’ve become the devil. I’ve become just like him.