Out of Control

At it again.

I’ve gone back to square one. I want a relationship; I don’t; I do’ I don’t; round and around. .

So back to my fuck buddy I went. To the one guy that makes everything so simple. To have good times together, hang out, laugh, just forget about everything and everyone and he is the only one that makes me feel that way, but that’s the problem.

Last night we went out for a drink, he held my hand, sat close to me, kissed me softly and then told me he don’t want a relationship with me. That he don’t want to hurt my feelings. That he don’t see us being together as a couple.

I feel that I could change that thought; I know, crazy right. I feel that things could work between us if he just opened up a little with me. I know he cares, I know he likes me, I also know he don’t see me in that way, I feel that maybe he thinks I deserve better than him, cos I am a ‘good girl’

I don’t need that, I just need him to want me and allow the universe to take control of the rest. I know he don’t want to ‘waste’ his time with the wrong girl, i totally understand his thought process, but I also wish he would just give me a chance, give us a chance.

I know I am playing a dangerous game; I am going to fall in love with a guy that will never love me back. I will chase a guy for no reward. Nothing. For him to just tell me ‘I told you I don’t want a relationship with you’

So then why ? Why does he act this way with me, holding me close as if he does.. That’s the problem, If he told me No to start with I wouldn’t waste my time, but it is like he is leaving the door open just a little bit, as if he is inviting me in, but if I get too close he will slam it in my face.

I am my own worse enemy. I know it.

 

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Bye Bye Lover

I see the way you look at me, you don’t look at me with admiration or love, you look at me with lust. Your feelings for me are totally sexual so why do I continue to be drawn to you.

I have a guy that looks at me as if I am perfect, when clearly I am not. He looks at me as if I am the most beautiful girl he has ever set eyes on, so why do I want a guy that I know will never feel that way towards me.

Why am I attracted to the arse hole guy. The guy that knows what to say and what to do to get all the girls.

I love sweet guys, but this guy he is too sweet, too kind, too good and he deserves better, really he does. He deserves someones full attention and I have to let him go to find that.

I know how I feel, I know that I feel like he isn’t my boyfriend, I feel disconnected and maybe a little time needs to pass to feel that connection again, I don’t know, what I do know is that I have to let him go.

I have to walk away, even though I really don’t want to.I have to do the right thing, for the both of us. I need to feel free again. To clear my mind, to clear my soul. To love life again, to love me again.

I am lost and confused and I know I need to be alone at this time of my life, to just go and have fun, maybe get a little drunk, forget about guys.

Boys, Boys, Boys

My head is a mess.

Yes my head, not my heart. I know how my heart feels. I know what my heart wants.

I am mourning over the loss of my relationship. I know it. I am looking at him and I see so many memories that we shared together and if he have had never left we would still be creating more memories, but thats not the case. He did leave.

You see I have a problem at the moment. I have three guys, all good guys, all different guys and the problem is I need to pick one. It sounds bad, I know. Just hear me out..

Guy one, is my ex. The guy I was with for nearly 2 years, the guy I believed was my future; but he left. Now he came back and he wants to act like everything is normal between us, everything is perfect but in a mere 3 months he will be gone again. And I; I will be left to cry myself asleep for many nights;

All

Over

Again

I can’t do it. I want to spend time with him, be with him but how can i move on with my life if he is still in it. Distracting me from finding Mr Right.

So.. Guy 2; this guy don’t really count I guess, he is a fuck boy. A fuck buddy actually; but damn I can not resist him. I see him everyday at work and all I can think about is him. He don’t want a relationship, I know it. But I chase him, I chase him because I feel excitement, it’s fun; it is just sex.

I know i don’t want just sex, but also I do. I am tired of relationship, of commitment, of being the good girl. I just want to go and have fun, be dirty, do the wrong thing for once.¬†All my life I have followed the rules, the right thing, but for once I don’t want to follow the rules, I don’t want to follow anything.

We get to Guy 3; damn. Perfect. It’s the only way I can describe him. He is everything I have ever wanted. So.. why ? Why am I looking for company in Guy 1 and sex in Guy 2 .

Why can’t I be happy with the perfection I have always wanted. Maybe that’s the problem; maybe it is all too perfect. If that is possible. He is a good guy, maybe too good for me ? I really don’t know, I have no flaws to pick in him; so why am I not 100% happy with just him.

I shouldn’t seek for anything in anyone else. I shouldn’t want to chase or to be with anyone else; but here we are, here I am; looking. Seeking, Chasing.

I don’t know what I want anymore. What I do know is I don’t want anyone to get hurt.

 

Mr Perfect

Cliche I know, but really, I think I have found him in you.

I have been so busy looking for comfort in all the wrong people that I was too stupid to just sit back and relax, take it easy;

All good things come to those who wait.

He is a gentleman, kind, sweet, funny, a little crazy but in a good way of course. I feel happy around him, I feel beautiful and sexy, I feel loved and wanted, I feel important.

So why when I see that guy that just wants sex from me I crumble. Like he has me under his spell. I know he isn’t for me, he isn’t what I want.

Mr Perfect is what I want and believe it or not but I actually have him. He is mine and I am his.

I am still seeking for something more, something more exciting maybe? I am not even sure myself what it is that I am looking for. I am not sure what it is I really want.

 

Emotions

I don’t want to feel things.

Not for You, not for anyone.

I’m tired of feeling and not recieving the feelings back.

I know I’m a good person . I know I would give you my world. So why won’t you let me.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t like who I’ve become. Having sex just for fun.

I want more. I want hugs and kisses, I want to be held as I fall asleep In your arms. I want to talk about the moon and the stars. I want to be able to call you whenever I need you and know you’ll be there for me.

I want a prince. He don’t need to be perfect. He just needs to be the other half of me.

I’m deleting people from my life like I am throwing away trash, but it’s too late when I’m searching that trash can at 3 in the morning wanting your attention.

But it’s too late. You would have moved on because I am nothing to you but just a piece of arse.

That’s what hurts the most. The way I care for you, will never be the same returned.

Help

I need help.

I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.

I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.

I give up. I give up.

Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.

My safe place.

Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.

I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.

Fuck boy

What is wrong with me !?

I want what I can not have. I have been meeting this guy for 2 months, just for sex but I like him ! I really like him ! When I decide to stop meeting him, I see his bloody beautiful eyes and he melts me. Last night we met for the last time. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I wanted to talk. To explain why I couldn’t continue meeting him. I want more and he can not give me more. He has been very honest from the start. He just wants sex.

I have been a fool. No, he has been too nice. We had the best sex ever last night. He put so much effort into it. It was perfect. He showed me what I would be ‘missing’ he showed me he didn’t want to ‘lose’ me. He fucked with my head.

We went for a drive and half way he stopped the car, and pulled off a flower from the street and gave it to me. Now what the fuck !? I’ve told this guy I like him, I have told him I can not meet anymore because I want to find someone who wants a relationship with me and he is acting like this ! Making me want and like him more ! Last night he destroyed me.

When we said goodnight he hoped to see me again. He told me to think that he is not a nice guy so that I do not like him. Imagine .. After being so fucking sweet and giving me a flower he tells me to think of him as a bad guy. Okay. Great. Perfect.

If I don’t see him I can control it. But when I see his face I melt and he has all control.

Why am I being played with ? Well for a start I’m allowing him. I need to stop finding these types of guys.