Mr Perfect

Cliche I know, but really, I think I have found him in you.

I have been so busy looking for comfort in all the wrong people that I was too stupid to just sit back and relax, take it easy;

All good things come to those who wait.

He is a gentleman, kind, sweet, funny, a little crazy but in a good way of course. I feel happy around him, I feel beautiful and sexy, I feel loved and wanted, I feel important.

So why when I see that guy that just wants sex from me I crumble. Like he has me under his spell. I know he isn’t for me, he isn’t what I want.

Mr Perfect is what I want and believe it or not but I actually have him. He is mine and I am his.

I am still seeking for something more, something more exciting maybe? I am not even sure myself what it is that I am looking for. I am not sure what it is I really want.

 

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Emotions

I don’t want to feel things.

Not for You, not for anyone.

I’m tired of feeling and not recieving the feelings back.

I know I’m a good person . I know I would give you my world. So why won’t you let me.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t like who I’ve become. Having sex just for fun.

I want more. I want hugs and kisses, I want to be held as I fall asleep In your arms. I want to talk about the moon and the stars. I want to be able to call you whenever I need you and know you’ll be there for me.

I want a prince. He don’t need to be perfect. He just needs to be the other half of me.

I’m deleting people from my life like I am throwing away trash, but it’s too late when I’m searching that trash can at 3 in the morning wanting your attention.

But it’s too late. You would have moved on because I am nothing to you but just a piece of arse.

That’s what hurts the most. The way I care for you, will never be the same returned.

Help

I need help.

I’m lost and confused and I have no one to turn to.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want.

I’m so alone and sad. I am sick and tired of guys.

I give up. I give up.

Last night I started to get ready to meet Mr. Fireman. I applied my makeup and started to get dressed, as I watched myself in the mirror I started to see all my flaws. My skin, too white, my hair too fuzzy, my lips too thin, my stomach too fat, my arse too saggy, my face, just hideous. I stared at myself for a while then stopped, took off my clothes,removed my makeup and went into bed.

My safe place.

Today I got an ‘offer’ my fuck buddy rang me to come, and I went. Without hesitation. I can’t resist him, I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know I deserve more but I am a fool. A lonely fool.

I’m looking for comfort in everybody else but they can’t give that to me. I have to find it within. But for now, I just want to close my eyes and think of nothing. Feel nothing. To just be in paradise just for a moment.

Fuck boy

What is wrong with me !?

I want what I can not have. I have been meeting this guy for 2 months, just for sex but I like him ! I really like him ! When I decide to stop meeting him, I see his bloody beautiful eyes and he melts me. Last night we met for the last time. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I wanted to talk. To explain why I couldn’t continue meeting him. I want more and he can not give me more. He has been very honest from the start. He just wants sex.

I have been a fool. No, he has been too nice. We had the best sex ever last night. He put so much effort into it. It was perfect. He showed me what I would be ‘missing’ he showed me he didn’t want to ‘lose’ me. He fucked with my head.

We went for a drive and half way he stopped the car, and pulled off a flower from the street and gave it to me. Now what the fuck !? I’ve told this guy I like him, I have told him I can not meet anymore because I want to find someone who wants a relationship with me and he is acting like this ! Making me want and like him more ! Last night he destroyed me.

When we said goodnight he hoped to see me again. He told me to think that he is not a nice guy so that I do not like him. Imagine .. After being so fucking sweet and giving me a flower he tells me to think of him as a bad guy. Okay. Great. Perfect.

If I don’t see him I can control it. But when I see his face I melt and he has all control.

Why am I being played with ? Well for a start I’m allowing him. I need to stop finding these types of guys.

Gimmie More

I’m really scared of you. Honestly. You seem like such a nice guy and that’s what worries me. I’m scared to open up to you and I dont want to brand you together with the others but I can’t help it. I’ve been with guys that I knew who they were and they still betrayed me, even after all the ‘I love yous’. So now you’re stranger. I don’t know you. I know nothing about you. And that makes me even more scared.

The problem is we have an argrement right? Only sex. No relationship. The problem is I am starting to like you more than I should. I don’t even know how to tell you. I’m so scared that I will ruin what we have. At the moment I am okay with what we have but I know over time I will want more from you. Maybe it is best to stop this now, before it gets too complaicated.

Why does everything have to be so so complicated. What happened to boy meets girl. Happy ever after. Can we just go back to the days there was happy ever after. Please?

‘Fuck buddy’

Right … for me this is totally out of my comfort zone. I have made a decision to have a fuck buddy. Kind of. 

I met a guy from tinder who only wants sex. No relationship. I respect his honesty. We got on so well. Our personalities just clicked. I felt so comfortable around him. He was so sweet and caring, even while we were kissing he was concerned if he was leaning too much on me or doing something I didn’t want. He was very respectful and honestly I have never felt that way before. 

We didn’t have sex the first night. I didn’t want too. He respected that. I have met other guys that get mad if you don’t have sex with them. As if you are wasting their time and I don’t like this attitude. This guy … he cared about how i felt. If I felt safe and comfortable with him before we stopped somewhere dark in his car. 

Really I can’t believe how considerate he was of my feelings. I haven’t even had boyfriends that considerate. 

We agreed on the sex only thing however I’ve never done this before. For a guy that only wanted sex he seemed to be really ‘loving’ he was trying to hold my hand, play with my hair, kissing me gently goodbye. Everything about him was respectful. 

I’m just not so sure if I am going to end up getting too attached to him. I don’t want to feel anything for anyone. I just want to have fun to not think of anything else. 

TinderĀ 

I’m back in the game. Literally. 

It’s been maybe 2 years since I’ve last used tinder. Oh how I have not missed it. In my opinion it’s just a bunch of horny desperate men. 

From what I have experienced anyways. Okay I’m not looking for relationship. I’m just looking for a distraction, not really looking for a fuck buddy either. You could say actually I am completely wasting their time. It’s just something to do. 

I will meet with anyone who wants to. I will not have sex with them. I will see how things go. I am not looking for a potential partner cos that don’t work. I am looking for an escape from reality. To meet with guys that don’t know me and be whoever I want to be in them moments we are together. They don’t need to know all my deepest darkest secrets. They don’t need to know me. To just have some fun with new people, you never know who I will meet. 

I know I’m not ready to find a new partner. How can I,when I’m still in love with him. It’s not practical. It don’t work like that. I need to get over him my own way, not with a rebound. 

So .. ready.. set.. GO