At it again.
I’ve gone back to square one. I want a relationship; I don’t; I do’ I don’t; round and around. .
So back to my fuck buddy I went. To the one guy that makes everything so simple. To have good times together, hang out, laugh, just forget about everything and everyone and he is the only one that makes me feel that way, but that’s the problem.
Last night we went out for a drink, he held my hand, sat close to me, kissed me softly and then told me he don’t want a relationship with me. That he don’t want to hurt my feelings. That he don’t see us being together as a couple.
I feel that I could change that thought; I know, crazy right. I feel that things could work between us if he just opened up a little with me. I know he cares, I know he likes me, I also know he don’t see me in that way, I feel that maybe he thinks I deserve better than him, cos I am a ‘good girl’
I don’t need that, I just need him to want me and allow the universe to take control of the rest. I know he don’t want to ‘waste’ his time with the wrong girl, i totally understand his thought process, but I also wish he would just give me a chance, give us a chance.
I know I am playing a dangerous game; I am going to fall in love with a guy that will never love me back. I will chase a guy for no reward. Nothing. For him to just tell me ‘I told you I don’t want a relationship with you’
So then why ? Why does he act this way with me, holding me close as if he does.. That’s the problem, If he told me No to start with I wouldn’t waste my time, but it is like he is leaving the door open just a little bit, as if he is inviting me in, but if I get too close he will slam it in my face.
I am my own worse enemy. I know it.