Stress

Stress changes you.

It eats you up until you’re unrecognizable.

I’m pushing everyone away. I’m hiding, I’m running and I have no where to go. He is all I have but I’m pushing him. I’m playing a very dangerous game with myself and I don’t like it.

 

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Complain

I feel like all I do lately is complain.

I feel that the whole world is on my shoulders, but how dare I.

I have everything, I have a home, a family, a life, yet I am not happy. My stomach is full, I am safe, I am warm, but here I am wanting MORE.

I can’t help but think I am not worthy of more, I am not worth my value. Something is bothering me but i can not pin point exactly what it is.

The problem is, I am alone. Totally alone. Yes I have my family and my boyfriend. Apart from this, i have nothing else. No one else. I was out one night with some work colleagues and I didn’t fit. I wasn’t the girl I was, or maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I want to have fun but I feel stuck, I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest throughout every day.

Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Scream 

Can I just take a moment to just scream. 

I want to stand on top of a mountain, alone, with the sun setting, birds singing, watching the city below and just scream. 

Scream at the top of my lungs. Scream until I have nothing left. I want to scream out all my pain, all my memories. 

I want to scream till my throat hurts till I have no energy left and I crumble to the floor. I want to hear the silence after the storm, to feel free and empty, to watch the world grow darker and the sky shine brighter. To watch the moon, and see the magic in the stars and wish for nothing simplier. 

Weak

I feel so small sometimes. So invisible. So scared. So weak. 

He don’t get it. I believe he never will get it. We have complete different thought tracks on the world, on everything. I wonder how we are together, how we even got this far. 

I’ve never cared for a guy like this before and I understand why I get so upset and hurt when he says or does certain things. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just ignore it or just take it like ‘whatever’ but I can’t.  Instead I sit on it for days, thinking and thinking, ‘why?’ 

I don’t want to analysis everything he says and does. But it gets to me and eats at me for days. Sometimes longer. 

It don’t  help that I can’t speak. Everytime I open my mouth to explain, I choke on every word. When I finally find the courage to say something it comes out completely wrong. 

I was better at this, I know I was stronger. I lost myself and I thought I found myself again, but I didn’t, I haven’t.  I’m still lost.  I try so hard to fix the pieces back again but my mind isn’t cclea enough to even see them. 

Worry Head 

I wish I could just switch it all off. Turn my brain off and just have a moment silence. 

I really don’t know what happens to me sometimes . . I freeze out from the world for a few days. It feels like my whole world is ending when it isn’t even close. 

I have a family that loves me. I have my animals that are my life. I have a good job. I have everything I need and want. I have a boyfriend that I hold so close to my heart. 

Yet I am still not fully happy.  Not most days anyway. 

I am a very good person to others but a horrible one to myself. I torture myself with thoughts of things that more than likely will not happen. 

I’ve been hurt many times and I’ve always picked myself up again, it isn’t the pain that I’m scared of. It’s the recovery. I’ve hit the bottom and honestly I haven’t got back up yet, if I pretend everything is okay enough, surely it will be. 

I know the worse thing I do is push people away. People get close and I push. I push them away before giving them too much of myself. I know I don’t trust, I know I don’t believe in people… but I am trying. Everyday I try so hard and some days I do well. Others I fail. 

Ghost

Today I decided to go ghost for a few days. Working 6 days, 9 hours for the past 6months, I decided it is time to breathe. 

I am a fighter, I don’t give up easy, I take a lot of pride in what I do. Yesterday it got too much. Listening to stories and lies. It got to me. It got to me cos for a moment I felt like I was back in my old job. I felt I was surrounded by jealous, evil, two faced people all over again. 

Yesterday I cracked , my mood was rock bottom and on top of it all my boyfriend got annoyed with me. So I had enough.

Today is a me day. The next two days I will remove all negative energy from my body. All negative thoughts. I will allow only positivity inside. I will not let this world get me down.