Mistake number one.

Never ever contact an ex

It only makes things complicated.


Your way

I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break even more. 

You proved me otherwise tonight. I made a decision yesterday that enough was enough, I told him that I can no longer be his friend, that I am struggling. Today I apologised and wished him well. Truth is I can’t let you go, it’s not the simple. 

We FaceTimed and spoke, he isn’t good also, he is stressed, he is destroying himself slowly. I felt awful, I felt awful cos I gave him such a hard time and he don’t need that. He don’t need me to be giving him extra stress. So now I made a decision. I will leave him alone. I will not shout or argue. I will allow him to have his way. I will, as always,sacrifice myself, for him. I will move on while I still hold onto his hand. Maybe what I am saying is crazy but I know I can’t do anything else. We will never be together, I understood that tonight after he told me he will never come back. He made it clear. 

So.. if you want to be friends. Fine. Let’s be friends. Believe me I can be the bestest friend you ever had. 


I feel like all I do lately is complain.

I feel that the whole world is on my shoulders, but how dare I.

I have everything, I have a home, a family, a life, yet I am not happy. My stomach is full, I am safe, I am warm, but here I am wanting MORE.

I can’t help but think I am not worthy of more, I am not worth my value. Something is bothering me but i can not pin point exactly what it is.

The problem is, I am alone. Totally alone. Yes I have my family and my boyfriend. Apart from this, i have nothing else. No one else. I was out one night with some work colleagues and I didn’t fit. I wasn’t the girl I was, or maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I want to have fun but I feel stuck, I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest throughout every day.

Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 


Can I just take a moment to just scream. 

I want to stand on top of a mountain, alone, with the sun setting, birds singing, watching the city below and just scream. 

Scream at the top of my lungs. Scream until I have nothing left. I want to scream out all my pain, all my memories. 

I want to scream till my throat hurts till I have no energy left and I crumble to the floor. I want to hear the silence after the storm, to feel free and empty, to watch the world grow darker and the sky shine brighter. To watch the moon, and see the magic in the stars and wish for nothing simplier. 


I feel so small sometimes. So invisible. So scared. So weak. 

He don’t get it. I believe he never will get it. We have complete different thought tracks on the world, on everything. I wonder how we are together, how we even got this far. 

I’ve never cared for a guy like this before and I understand why I get so upset and hurt when he says or does certain things. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just ignore it or just take it like ‘whatever’ but I can’t.  Instead I sit on it for days, thinking and thinking, ‘why?’ 

I don’t want to analysis everything he says and does. But it gets to me and eats at me for days. Sometimes longer. 

It don’t  help that I can’t speak. Everytime I open my mouth to explain, I choke on every word. When I finally find the courage to say something it comes out completely wrong. 

I was better at this, I know I was stronger. I lost myself and I thought I found myself again, but I didn’t, I haven’t.  I’m still lost.  I try so hard to fix the pieces back again but my mind isn’t cclea enough to even see them.