Special

You have something special inside you, never change it. 

Thank you …

If that is true then why am I alone.

Why am I fighting for one guy to stay and another one to actually want more with me.

Why do you see the special in me but they don’t, maybe they do but they don’t want to nourish it, they don’t want to be part of it.

Why can’t you be someone else telling me this. I have so many questions why, but also on the other hand, I just don’t care.

I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, I don’t want to feel or think.  I want to pass my days with no extra thoughts than I need, I feel myself being like that, not caring about anyone, including myself.

I am okay with being used and using others. I know.. It’s going to catch up on me and I will find myself in a ball, crying my eyes out wondering why I feel so much pain in my heart and why no one is here to hold me just to tell me everything is going to be okay. To hold my hand and tell me that I am going to be okay.

I am smiling everyday, but I know inside I am dying, I am broken.

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I Love.. I Hate

You know what I love..

The sound of your voice,

The shine in your eyes,

That look you give me when you know I am being totally stupid,

When you tease me,

The giggle you make when you know you are wrong,

The way you kiss,

The way you hold me,

The way you look at me,

When you raise your eyebrow,

It’s funny how all the things I love about you, is also the reason why I hate you.

Changing who I am

Can I change my identity.

My name.

My personality.

My looks.

Be the new girl everyone wants to know.

Be more confident and wild. More daring and sexy. More funny and sweet. Be more everything that I am not.

Is that bad, how much I want to change who I am, even though I have been told by too many people that I am special, people who loved me and still do, family, friends, boyfriends, just boy friends, guys I have dated, guys I have fucked, guys I don’t even know. Strangers that I have only met once, employers, colleagues, you get the point.

So ? Why do I still see myself to be nothing special, not beautiful nor smart, not kind nor funny, just another person without meaning.

Then some days I look around and I judge, like all humans do. I don’t say its correct.

I look around and I wonder what is so special about him or her to have that job, or to be that rich, or to have that partner, why can’t I have those things. Why can’t I be the one that people judge and wonder.

Life is getting me down and I don’t even know how to fix it, where to even begin.

Emotions

I don’t want to feel things.

Not for You, not for anyone.

I’m tired of feeling and not recieving the feelings back.

I know I’m a good person . I know I would give you my world. So why won’t you let me.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t like who I’ve become. Having sex just for fun.

I want more. I want hugs and kisses, I want to be held as I fall asleep In your arms. I want to talk about the moon and the stars. I want to be able to call you whenever I need you and know you’ll be there for me.

I want a prince. He don’t need to be perfect. He just needs to be the other half of me.

I’m deleting people from my life like I am throwing away trash, but it’s too late when I’m searching that trash can at 3 in the morning wanting your attention.

But it’s too late. You would have moved on because I am nothing to you but just a piece of arse.

That’s what hurts the most. The way I care for you, will never be the same returned.

Falling apart 

It is amazing how just hearing your voice makes my heart stop beating. Seeing your face makes it start breaking. 

You can not imagine how much I hold back my tears while we talk. The moment we hang up that phone, I break down. 

Completely break down. 

The ache in my chest multiplies and all them tears I held back just gush out. The worst part is I can’t make it stop. Nothing I do makes it stop. I am mean to you,  not because I want to be but because I have to be. I don’t want to love you anymore, to see the light shine from you as if you were Gods gift. I don’t want to look at you in that way. I want to hate you for leaving me like this but yet I don’t. I don’t want to hate you, I want to remember all the times we spent together and be happy, and when I do it all comes back to you leaving, the pain I feel is ten times more than the happiness I felt when we were together. 

I see him trying to make me laugh and be happy but It don’t work, I wonder if he sees that. I wonder if he realises I am not okay. That I am struggling each and every day to get myself out of my bed and be constructive. I wonder if he misses me the way I do, thing is everything here reminds me of you. 

I’m lost and I’m alone. I’m giving up on everything and everyone. I don’t like who I’m becoming. I’ve become to weak to even change it.