But.. why?

I must ask myself at least 10 times a day… ‘but.. why?’

Why do I feel sad?

Why do I feel pain?

Why do I hate myself so much?

Why am I so scared?

Why am I so emotionally insecure?

When I feel a certain why I ask myself … ‘but..why?’ cos I have no true reason, I have no true pain, or do I?

I know I have been through shit in my life and it hasn’t been easy, but people have been through worse, miles worse. Yet I still feel sorry for myself. You wouldn’t think it, I am good, actually I am a master of hiding my pain, my fear, basically my feelings. In a way its good, on the other hand I closed myself up so much that I am also a master of hiding love, compassion and care.

You see when you become good at something you become good in all aspects. Even in the way you don’t want it to be.

 

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Time out 

I feel the days are running away from me. The time is skipping by and I can’t keep up. I’m juggling so many things and I keep dropping the ball. 

My motivation has gone I have zero energy. Zero motivation. I don’t even want to move from my bed most mornings. Every little thing is irritating me and I can’t seem to really know exactly what it is. 

I’m fed up with the world, with this life. But who am I to complain. I’m healthy, I’m loved and I am safe. Yet I feel like I have the worse life to exist. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way, I have no real serious problems , right ? So why do I, why do I feel like this. 

Fear within 

Why  should I be scared to walk alone at night?  Why should I be looking behind my shoulder while I wwalk?

Last night, after work I went for a walk. As the season is coming to a close there is not so many people around. 

For a very long time I was afraid to walk alone, afraid of the darkness, afraid of him. Last night I was so happy, I felt no fear inside me at all. I was stupid and wrong to feel that way. 

I think I have seen him before around, he looks familiar.  He started to talk to me, my first thought was he wanted to just get to know me, then I thought that he was going to rob me.. he wasn’t old.. late 20s, he was small, dark, his English was very bad. He started small talk as I walked towards my car, but then he was crossing the personal space boundary. While I was backing away he kept backing closer. He wanted to touch my hair.. then he started to pull at it, I got into my car, tried to close the door and he was blocking it… continuing to pull my hair out, smelling it, putting it in his pocket.  I could see his face change as I’m telling him to stop and go away. I could see he was getting angry, I never felt so scared, I didn’t know what to do at that point. He then sstarted  to ask for sex while pulling his dick out ! I was pulling and pulling at the door and he wouldn’t go away , he wouldn’t listen. Finally I thought and pressed my horn. he then stopped and  walked away. 

My whole body was shaking. I felt so sick. So sscared.  So angry.  So alone. 
I don’t want to feel this way, to feel so scared, to not be in control. 

I spent  a year  being scared , I spent a long time looking over my shoulder, wondering where he will come from next. I don’t want to feel like that ever again. I am so weak. I am so fragile. I hate myself for it. I hate that people  have the power to make me feel this way. 

I was scared of someone who ‘ loved’ me .. imagine what a stranger would do.

People wonder  why I am so cold. Why  I am not so friendly  with everyone. I am not anti social. I just have selective conversations. 

I am bored to hear the same shit. That the women that get attacked is because of what they’re wearing. That they provoke the man. That it is basically there fault to he walking alone in the dark. No. 

I was in my uniform. 19.30. Outside my Hotel where I work. In a large open space. Now tell me how it is my fault ? Tell me how I provoked this arsehole. We are not taken seriously. We are not protected. The sad thing is, there is nothing we can do. No woman or man can fix this world.Only  we can fix ourselves. 

Angels go to heaven

Today I watched someones world crush. I saw the light in their eyes dissappear. The smile on their face turn into a frown. Their heart crush into a million pieces. 

A child was lost. A child was taken from her.

On top of that, the father did not care. The father did not want to help. The father was not a father. 

To become pregnant it should be a joy, good news. In many situations it isnt. For one or sometimes even both.

I dont know what to say or how to feel. My body feels weak for her and my words are not enough. 

The world is a cruel place that tests our patience and our strength. I know she is a strong woman and she will stand tall and battle her demons. I wish her all my blessings and all my love.