New job

Starting new. 

So, I got a new job !! Same work, different hotel. New people. Starting fresh. Honestly I didn’t want to leave. I liked my old job, It was the people I was working with that was the problem. 

It is true. We don’t quit jobs. We quit people. 

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Battlefield 

Work is really dragging me down. These people are really dragging me down. It’s like a battlefield that I am stuck in the middle off. 

How can people play games with other people. My emotions are all over the place.  I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to even believe. 

Yesterday we spoke my boss and I about the huge stupid mistake that I made. Her first reaction was to fire me. Can you believe it?!?! To fire me because of talking behind her back, in my eyes that is not a good enough excuse, especially when everyone else is doing exactly the same and actually worse. 

I am angry at myself but I am more angry at my ‘friend’ her first reaction when I told her that my boss wanted to talk was ‘don’t tell her the message was meant for me‘  what!? You want me to go down alone, no, I will not lie for you. As it worked out she already figured it out herself, I was not going to sit there and defend another especially when the other don’t give a flying fuck about me. 

Yes I take all the blame, of course, it was my fault. It don’t make it any easier. It don’t make me feel any less pissed off. I am furious at myself. I am furious that I allowed these bitches to control my thinking, to control me. I feel so hopeless, my job is hanging on a thin thread and I hate that more than anything. I hate being misjudged and branded as a nasty person, stupid yes I am, but nasty I will not accept. 

Work work work work work 

Working with females is hard. I am a 21 year old female, working with 3 females and 1 male. Now they are mature women, but they act like children. 

The worst has to be the ‘manager’ she is clueless. In which world should a manager be bitching about the staff. In which world should a manager do absolutley nothing. She sits around talking all day. She is rude to clients as well as us. She has no people skills. She has no management skills. 

I am surrounded by negative people all day long. Bringing down my mood. I can not even escape. I hold my tongue everyday not to say anything. I feel myself ready to explode. 

Catching up

I have a lot of that to do. I run away from my problems. That’s what I do best. run. Every hurdle I come across I run away from it. I never thought I did. I thought I was good at dealing with my problems. Recently I realized I am not. I ran away from expressing myself. I ran away from friends. I ran away from life.

I remember when I was little and how care free I was. I was always the shy kid, the mute. Growing up was never easy, i guess it isn’t easy for anyone, but you always think the grass is greener. I know I did. I went to an all girls high school, so that was never easy, comparing yourself to the other girls, prettier girls, skinnier girls. It makes you start to feel inadequate. You would always be jealous of the girls that always got the boys. I’m blessed to say I wasn’t bullied. I never had any tolerance for people, I thought it was only a recent thing, but thinking back,  I was always like this, just not as bad. I had a big group of friends, yes, but I wasn’t tight with them. I never was allowed out on the weekends with them, and when I could I had no money, or I was working, helping the family. So my social life has always been a drag.

Over the years we parted, and I didn’t really care. I never made an effort with people, I just couldn’t be bothered to have to keep in contact with them. looking back now and seeing some of them still friends, it makes me wonder why I didn’t try. Deep down I guess they weren’t really for me.

When I started work, I made new friends… well I say friends but at the time they were. From the day we start school we are accustomed to this way of making friends. You have a class of 30 children you don’t have much choice on who your friends are going to be. Then you grow and now you have over 100 girls/guys in your year to make ‘friends’ with. Half of them won’t been in some of your classes and you wouldn’t even speak to them for the whole time you are at school. So yet again we are like mice. Trapped in a box to befriend another mouse that is also trapped. Then you move onto work and make more friends, you have no choice to hang out with these work colleagues, you are at work most the day so you don’t have time to meet many other people, so these people become your social life.. until you move on again.

I was never a big believer on friendship. People go and come into your life for a reason, maybe you needed them to push you into the right direction, or maybe to just see that not everyone is who they seem.

 

 

 

Money..

There is nothing more refreshing than money in your bank. Knowing you can buy this and that and afford it. Right now I have 0 to my name. I had a job in England. Was not the best job but I had money. I could afford a car and pay my bills and still have money for anything I wanted. I was happy with that. But since I’ve moved I have no job and no money. Honestly it’s hard to find a job that you’ll enjoy and want to do. I’m scared to start again.  We get so used to what we no that we don’t like change. I for one know I don’t like change , but sometimes you have to stand up straight and ignore that nauseating feeling inside and just do it.  Don’t think too much just do !